.png)
**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING**
The story of my page picture, the future cover of my book and how "Finding Emily" was chosen as the name for my story.
When I took this picture, I had just gotten the biggest bump (IV shot) of meth I have ever had. I will talk about this in my story, but it was when I officially lost it all.
I had spoken to my grandma earlier. I yelled at her. I told her to tell me to come home or stay where I was. Inside I was begging her to tell me to come home. I wanted to hear those words from her, but I could not get myself to speak them.
She told me to stay.
I threw my phone against the wall and fell to my knees, I cried for hours. The person I was staying with at the time came into my bedroom and talked to me. He said the devil had my hand and he was never letting go. I was too far gone to go home. I would never get out of this life they called "the dope game".
He and his wife took me into the living room and we sat on the couch, I had my face buried in the pillow. I didn't want to be seen after I had been crying.
He asked me to hold out my arm, so I did. He gave me the biggest bump I had ever had. To clarify, I was doing around 25 to 30 CC's any given time. He gave me 60.
I was overcome with the rush (I will explain this in the story) and I couldn't move. My chest was heavy and I couldn't stop coughing (that means it's good). Even with my eyes closed and in the pillow, I saw shapes and figures before me swirling around. They were talking but I couldn't understand what they were saying.
After my coughing stopped, I heard his wife ask him "How much did you give her?". Then she said in a scared voice "She's never done that much!"
She asked me if I was okay. I was able to give them a thumbs up. They turned off the lights for me and let me sit there. My agony and depression disappeared. There was no sadness and no happiness. I was completely numb.
After what could have been an hour or so, I was able to get up. I walked into my bedroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I no longer saw the Emily I once knew. She was gone.
Deep down, I knew that one day I would get out of this hell I was in, I didn't know when, but I knew I would. I wanted to remember what I looked like the day I lost myself.
It saddens me to say, that even to this day, the woman I once was never fully came back. I am still learning to accept that. Some days it's harder than others.
After getting clean, it took 9 months before I started finding myself again. To this day, I am still trying to find out who I am. I am still finding Emily.