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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
It was close to noon when I woke up. My phone only showed messages from Mason and Michael, who was making sure I finally went to sleep. I was as surprised as I was disappointed that no one else had messaged me back. I had messaged over 200 people last night. Regardless, I was content seeing that Mason decided that I was worth talking to.
His message read "Hey, how have you been?"
I replied back, simply saying things have been good. We messaged back and forth for a few hours, getting caught up on each others lives. He said him and his girlfriend went to visit her family, but she just dropped him off in Wisconsin and never came back, so he was stuck there to create a new life for himself.
I didn't tell him about the drugs. I didn't want him to run off like I had done to everything else in my life recently. Since we were both newly single, we had a chance to pick up where we left off only a few months ago. I felt a bit of normalcy in the hectic life I was living. It was nice.
I sat down at my vanity getting ready to put my makeup on when I got a call from Michael.
"What's up," I answered.
"Are you coming over today? Because Jessica is coming over tonight. I think ya'll would have a good time together."
"You just want a three-way and it's not happening, dude."
"What, no! Toast, seriously, are you coming?"
"Yeah, sure, I'll head that way in a little while."
I spent some time on my makeup, got my clothes on and headed to the living room to sit with the kids for a while. They watched TV and showed me what they built with their Lego's. I stayed with them for a few hours before I decided to leave for the night. My grandma and grandpa didn't say much to me. I was starting to think they were on to me not going to school or work, but I didn't bring it up. I didn't want to deal with the shame.
Around 4:00 that afternoon, I headed over to Michael's house. I was feeling a bit anxious. All I could think about on my way over there was how I would get more dope. Matt was M.I.A. and I wasn't about to message Ethan. I wasn't ready for another road trip. I tried to get my mind off of getting high, but every thought came back to meth.
I pulled up to Michael's apartment and saw a little red Volkswagen I'd never seen before. I assumed it was Michael's other friend, so I headed up the stairs and into his apartment. As I walked in, I saw him on the couch with a young woman. She had long naturally red hair and a hot pink sundress on.
"Damn, not a single soul in sight," I said as I walked in to sit on the bed behind them.
Michael laughed, "Ha ha, very funny funny. This is Jessica. We've been friends since childhood. Us redheads had to stick together."
"Hey, I'm Toast," I said.
"Hey girl, I've heard a lot about you. Michael just loves you!"
"Ah, yeah, you don't say," I said scratching the back of my head, trying to avoid Michael's glares.
"Well shit, if we're all here, let's have a fuckin' party," she said as she got up from the couch and grabbed her purse. As she walked across the room, I noticed she had little scabs and marks all over her arms. It looked a lot like when a tweaker picks at their arms when they are freaking out about bugs. Maybe she uses too?
Jessica pulled out a pill bottle from her bag and shook it in the air as she came back over to us.
"I've got Ritalin, Adderall, um, some blue pills? I don't know what they are, but I was told it was some fire shit."
Part of me was hoping Jessica would have been normal. Normal like I though Michael was when I met him. I was holding out hope that I'd make a new friend and get a helping hand out of this hell, but she was no better than me. She too was an addict. The other part of me was excited. Finally, another girl to share the fun with. There was nothing wrong with the guys, but it was a nice change.
Michael and Jessica were searching through her purse for more pills as I sat on the bed and looked down at my dirty boots. Maybe I could ask her is she smoked too. She might know where to get some. Typically, I was a shy, withdrawn person and avoided talking to people at all cost, but I wanted to get high bad enough that I swallowed my anxiety and asked.
"Hey, Jessica. Do... do you smoke?"
She looked up at me with a grin, "Yeah girl, I smoke everything. What are you talking about though? Pot? Cigarettes?"
"No, uh, actually, I wanted to see if you smoked dope."
"Oh, like meth dope?"
"Yeah," I said as my heart started racing. I started talking faster as I got more nervous. "I know that's a really shitty thing to ask, I'm so sorry, I just.."
She cut me off, "Hell yeah I smoke dope! I'm more of a pill popper, but I smoke every now and then. You got some?"
I looked over her shoulder at Michael who looked like he wanted to kill me. I could tell he was mad, but I brushed him off. "No, but I have money. Do you know where to get any?"
"Yeah, my plug just got in town yesterday, let me text him."
I felt a wave of relief. She was on the same page as me. I never really thought that I'd be asking people I just met if they smoked meth.
Michael got up and walked over to me. "What the fuck was that shit?"
"Dude, please don't do this right now."
"What do you mean don't do this right now? I had her come over so we could have a good time and you just started a god damn drug deal!"
"Michael! I need it, I... I can't stop thinking about it." Tears began to fall down my cheeks, "I can't stop. My chest hurts. My hands are shaky. I really, really want it. Please. Just let me do this. I'm not trying to take your friend, I just want to get high."
"That's a fucking bull shit excuse, Emily. You don't need this shit. You should be more like me and handle your drugs better. You're pathetic."
He walked into the kitchen to make coffee and put on some DMX. Jessica was staring at her phone, waiting on a reply.
"If it's an issue or anything, please don't worry about it," I said.
"I'm always down to get shit. You're fine baby girl. Oh hey, he text me back. How much you got to spend?"
"I've got $60.00 on me in cash."
"Alright, cool. Let me tell him. You got a ride?"
"Yeah, but I may need to stop for gas."
"Whatever you need to do. You know, you're a pretty cool chick. I like your tattoos. What's that on your chest?"
"Oh, it's something I got when I was a teenager. It's two birds and brass knuckles."
"That's what's up! You down to beat someone's ass?"
"I mean, I guess if they deserve it."
"Right on, right on," she said as she went back to her phone.
I walked over to Michael who seemed to have calmed down. "You good?" I asked.
"Yeah, I just don't want you to go down the same path Veronica did."
Veronica was Michael's ex-girlfriend. From what he told me, she was a tall, beautiful Italian woman. She danced, she could sing, and she took no shit. She was a straight up bad-ass woman. She got caught up in the wrong scene and got pulled over with all the stuff for a meth lab in her trunk. She went to jail, then into rehab and he hasn't heard from her since. It broke his heart. I knew he meant well when he was upset with me, but it just made me want to go further into the lifestyle when he tried to hold me back.
"Hey," said Jessica, "he can meet us at the track in 15. You ready to go?"
"Sure! Hey, I'll be back, I promise," I told Michael as I walked out and down the stairs.
We got in my car and started driving towards Park Place. It was a huge horse racing track in the middle of town. They recently added a casino to it, so it was full of drunks, addicts, hookers and drugs.
On the way there Jessica and I sang Brittany Spears songs to kill the time. It only took us a few minutes to get there. We pulled into the parking lot and headed inside.
The building was bustling with people going from one penny slot machine to another. I followed her through a maze of people all perched on stools. She finally saw her dealer and ran up to him like a friend she hadn't seen in years.
He was a young, good looking man. He didn't look anything like a drug dealer. He was light skinned, had dark curly hair and dressed like he just walked off of a golf course.
"Hey girl, what's good," he said to Jessica as I stood behind her trying not to be seen.
"Hey! This is Toast," she said pointing at me. "She's got the money."
"Hey, I'm Ty. Look, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I've got to weigh it and put it in a bag. I can't weigh it in front of you, but she knows I'm good for it. You two meet me at the front door. I'll be there in a bit."
Ty walked away and disappeared into the crowd. I looked over at Jessica. She nodded her head and walked back to the front, so I followed.
We got to the entrance and waited on a nearby bench. "Why are we waiting?" I asked her.
"It'll look obvious if we do it in the middle of the casino. He will figure it out for you. He's a good person, he won't do you wrong."
"Oh, okay, that makes sense I guess."
As we waited, I observed the people in front of me. There was a guy arguing with security about his ID not being fake, a woman desperately trying to find change so she could play more and a few drunken frat guys. It was all around a sad place to be.
Ty came down and walked by us without saying a word. Jessica got up and walked behind him.
"Come on. Follow me," she said.
I got up and trailed behind. We walked outside and through the parking lot not saying a word. We finally ended up in the other end of the lot where the lights were turned off.
Ty turned around and looked at me. "I can give this to you here, but they got cameras. Can you take me to the Valero down the road?"
"Sure," I said. Anything to just finally get my dope. I was parked only a few rows away, so we walked over and got in my car.
"Sorry for being shady, but they know me here and they know what I do. I got to stay on the down low."
"I got you," I said.
We pulled up at the gas station just a minute down the road. Jessica got out to get a drink and Ty and I stayed in the car. I looked back at him in the back seat. He was rolling the bag between his fingers. He had a melancholy expression on his face.
"I haven't seen you before. How long you've been on this?"
"Just a few weeks."
"Damnit. I almost don't want to sell it to you now. But it's what I do. You know, this shit will only take you to two places in life. Jail, or the grave. You don't escape."
I looked at him as he said that. He looked so lost and sad. To me, it felt like he believed that those were his only options and he believed that.
He looked up at me and sighed. "Alright, you got $60.00, right?"
"Yeah, here."
"Cool, here's your shit. Better hide it. I'm going to grab a pack of smokes. I'll be right back."
"What do you smoke? I'll buy them."
"Why? Why would you do that?"
"Because I want to. I like to help people. What do you smoke?"
"Damn, you aren't meant for this lifestyle, I can tell you that right now. You're alright though. I smoke Marlboro red shorts. Thanks."
"Got it, I'll be right back."
I got out of the car to walk into the gas station to see Jessica flirting with an older guy with an eye patch. I overheard her talking about money and what he wanted to do to her. I felt sad that she was trying to sell herself. It wasn't the life for any woman. Was that my future? Selling my body to an old cripple guy just to have money?
I shook the thought out of my head and went to the check out.
I couldn't stop thinking about what Ty had said.
Was that my only way out?
To be continued...
I remember this night perfectly. What Ty said has stuck with me from that day. I remember the sad look on his face. I wish I could describe it better.
Ty will be another main person in my story. One of three main people. Ty is the one who really turned my world upside down. I will get into this more as the story progresses.
Another reminder that the names of the businesses and names of people have been changed to protect their identities. They aren't even close to what they really are.