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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS DRUG USE 🔴
Concerned and confused, I searched the room for Danni, slowly getting off of the bed. My legs still felt wobbly, but I had to get up. I had to have some kind of answer.
I felt betrayed and ignorant. How could I have let her manipulate me like that? Lie to me and led me on to think she was actually a good person deep down. Maybe she was. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and just say that it was the drugs that were talking, but I didn't know anymore. I really couldn't trust anyone.
I stumbled across the dirty floor, walking over broken computer parts and piles of clothes while making my way through the room. I searched the bathroom, the living room, and kitchen, but she was nowhere to be found. I walked across the house to the guest bathroom for some privacy and looked in the mirror. I had a bruise about the size of my palm forming where she hit me up. Purple and yellow were slowly spreading across my skin looking like some infectious disease.
I hung my head down low and tried to cry. I wanted to. I could feel my body trying to break down with all it had, but the meth had taken over control. I felt broken, useless, and foolish. How did I let myself get to this point in such a short time? Normal people don't have threats made against them. Normal people don't have to worry about others coming after them. Normal people can cry when they need to. Normal people would be with their families and kids, playing games, making memories; laughing, and smiling.
I leaned against the wall and sunk to the floor, gritting my teeth and pulling my hair. How did I go this far? Who am I? Maybe I am a nobody in her eyes, but apparently I am somebody if I have people coming after me. And if Ty was such an important person like she said, why did he choose me to run with for so long? Sure, he could just have used me for my car but he even trusted me to take care of him when he couldn't do it himself. I AM somebody. And if I am a nobody to her, then so be it.
I stood up and looked at myself again. I was a shadow of the woman I used to be, but I knew I WAS someone. I am EMILY. And maybe I am not the Emily I used to be, but I will find her again. Until then, I will be unstoppable. I will stand up for myself. I will not let the threats of another junkie scare me off!
This rollercoaster of emotions stopped on a powerful note. I was furious with her. Who did she think I was? Have Ty come after me! I will stand my ground. I know the truth, and my truth is all that matters in the end.
I stormed out of the bathroom and outside to the front yard. I walked around the house to see that Danni had joined Troy in his tree cutting endeavors. I walked down the hill to see if I could talk to them about Summer.
"Hey!", I yelled, trying to be heard over the chainsaws.
Danni didn't hear me, but Troy looked up and motioned me to come his way. I walked around the several small fires they had going and went up to him. He sat his chainsaw down and sat down on a tree stump. He looked thoroughly exhausted, almost sickly.
"I'm glad you came out here. Had I not gotten a distraction I may have passed out with a running chainsaw...again!"
"You really need to take a break."
"Nah, I just need another bump," he said with a laugh. "What's up?"
"I have a question about Summer. Is she a sketchy person?"
"I mean, that really just depends on if she's high and mad, high and happy, or not high at all. Which version are you asking about?"
"High and mad I guess?"
"Yeah, she can be a fuckin' snake. Why, what's going on? She say something to you? I saw her leave and start running down the driveway. I didn't see her go past the mailbox, but I wasn't paying that much attention to her either. I don't give two fucks if she's gone or not."
"She was high, I guess... I-I guess she shot herself up, I don't know. Anyways, yeah she was high and just turned on me. She called me a liar and that I upset some 'very important' people and that she was going to turn me over to Ty. I'm just kind of worried, but at the same time, I wish he would just show up so I could face him already."
"Hm, I'm surprised she was able to hit herself. Anyways, don't worry about her. She will probably forget what she's doing and go somewhere else. She gets sidetracked real easy. Even if she does say something, he already knows where you are, so what does it matter? You know I'm not going to let anything happen to you while you're here."
"I know... I mean, I don't know. I don't know! Ugh, I'm just mad that she would turn on me like that. Besides, what would Ty want on me if he knows where I am already? What information can she give him if he already knows what he needs to know?"
"Em, tweakers can take anything and turn it into seven different things. You can sit in the living room and watch TV and she will say you were taking the TV apart to install a camera and were testing out how it works. I've been using long enough to realize all this shit. If you're that worried, just stay here with us."
"I...I can't. I have kids at home. I-I have to take... care... of my... boys. I have to go home... at some point."
I looked down at the ground. This time I felt the tears run down my cheeks. When was the last time I was home? When was the last time I had called to check on them? When did anyone call to check on me? My grandma? My dad? My mom? I suddenly realized that everything in my "normal" life was falling to pieces. Crumbling faster than I could ever repair. I looked up at Troy, who looked back at me with sadness. I sat down on the ground next to him andput my head in my hands. He put his hand on my shoulder and sighed.
"You know I've got five kids? Danni has four. Do you see any of them here? You don't, and you never will because we chose drugs over our kids, and I am man enought to admit that. Is it the right choice? Hell no. But I know they are being well taken care of while I live this lifestyle. I got in too deep to ever get out. And I see that happening to you, Emily. You can go home and get clean right now and I will support you through all of this shit you've got going on. Or, you can stay, but I don't know if you will ever make it back. You can try. Plenty of people try, but it all falls apart eventually. You can either stay and face Ty, or go home. Go back to your normal life and forget all of this ever happened."
"How can I forget when someone is coming for me? How can I go home when he knows where I live? What if he comes for my kids? I would be putting my family in jepordy!"
"Emily... It's a hard choice to make. If I could, I would have never picked up a god damn drug in my life. I would have turned my life around had I had the chance. I still see your chance, but you've got to take it while it's still there. Go home for a while. Go see your kids. If you don't come back, I understand. Just let me know. We will still love you either way."
"Yeah... yeah, I'm going home for a while. But, what do I say to her? My grandma."
"I'm sure she knows what's going on by now. Just tell her that you're okay. That's probably all she wants to hear right now. You know you are welcome here any time. You come back when you're ready."
"Okay. Okay... I guess I will see you later?"
"We will see. Remember, you have a decision to make."
"Right... Now or never, huh?"
He nodded as he got off the tree stump and picked up the chainsaw again. I got up and walked back uphill. I looked back to see Danni walking over to Troy. I was sure he would fill her in on everything. My heart was heavy. My emotions were all over the place. I guess I can only get so high before everything comes to a point where it can't be numbed any more.
I went inside and grabbed my purse, went to the car and drove away.
I was going home.
The closer I got to home, the more anxious I got. My palms were sweaty and my legs were shaking. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how she would react. It was so much easier to run away from this, but I knew at some point I had to come home. The longer I took to come back, the harder this would be.
I slowly pulled into the driveway. The boys were on the swings with my grandma. They immediately jumped off and started running my direction screaming "Mommy, mommy!". I saw my grandma put her hand over her chest and wipe away a tear. It felt like a black hole swallowed my heart. I knew she had been scared and heart broken, It tore me apart to do that to her. The woman who had always taken care of me. Why was I doing her this way?
I jumped out of the car and the boys came straight into my arms with constant "I missed you!" and "I love you!".
"I've missed you so much and I love you too, guys. I'm sorry mommy left. I love you so, so much."
Aiden pulled away and looked at me, about to cry, and said "Are you leaving again?"
All I could do was look at him. He didn't understand what was going on. He didn't know why mommy was gone all the time. He just knew that I was supposed to be home, and I never was. I just shook my head and pulled him into my arms again.
"Emily? Are you okay?"
I looked up to see my grandma. She wasn't angry that I had taken her car and left for several days with no contact, she was just scared. I could see that she had been crying which brought me to tears again.
"Yes Memaw, I'm okay. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry... I don't know what's going on. I just want it to stop. I just want things to be better again."
"It's okay, I'm just glad you're safe."
I let the boys go so they could go back to playing and I hugged her for a minute in a tight embrace. I couldn't, and didn't, want to imagine what I was putting her through. The emotional pain was unbearable. I knew the only options I had was to come face to face with my mistakes and stay home for good... Or go get high again to drown it all out, not having to face the destruction and pain I have left behind at home.
I sat down at the picnic table and watched my boys play together. What had I missed out on these past few months? What have they learned? Where did they go? Were they okay? All these questions I didn't have an answer to because I was choosing dope over my own children. A sickening, selfish choice.
I excused myself to go inside to the restroom. I walked in to see my Pawpaw in the recliner. He gave me a stern look, but held his arms out. I gave him a firm, but gentle hug since he was so small framed.
"I'm glad you're back" he whispered.
I just nodded and smiled. I walked down the hall and took a look into my bedroom. The bed was made. The room was spotless. It didn't look like anything I had lived in months ago. My cat, Caster, was asleep on my pillows. He never really left my room. He was waiting on me to come back too. As I turned around to leave, I saw that the kids had drawn on the wall. It was a heart and it said "I love you a million dollars mommy!"
I ran my fingers over the drawing, yet again causing tears to stream down my cheeks. I knew I was still high, but It wasn't enough to mask everything I was feeling. I walked back to the bathroom and came out to everyone being in the living room. I sat down with them and we carried on like nothing had ever happened.
She never said anything about what I was doing, nor did my Pawpaw. We carried on through out the day, like any nornal day, except that I wasn't eating anything. She offered snacks, fruit, and dinner, but I just couldn't get myself to eat. I forced down a few bites of chicken and threw the rest away when she wasn't looking. I didn't want to offend her, I just coulnd't force myself to do it.
I laid the kids down in bed for the night and hugged them tight. My grandma and I sat in the living room afterwards in silence as we watched the news together.
"Are you staying home tonight?" she asked.
"I think so... I'm so sorry Memaw."
"It's okay. You're home now. Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes and do some things in life that we may have not done under certian circumstances. We will make it through this together, like we have always done everything else."
"Yeah... but Memaw... Someone might come after me... W-what if they hurt you? Or the kids?"
"What do you mean? No one is going to come here. You know I will always keep the kids safe."
"No, Memaw, you don't understand!"
I felt myself getting amped up. I felt the paranoia creeping in. I was scared for her. Scared for my kids. Afterall, Ty did know where I lived. What if he showed up here? I wouldn't have Troy to back me up. I would have no where to hide.
"What do I not understand, Emily! I have been worried sick about you, not sleeping at night, not eating, crying all the time because you just... Just disappear!"
"The car! The car! The guy who stole the car thinks I turned him in and he said he's coming after me! Troy saw him, and he was holding an AK and he said he knows where I am and that he's coming for me! I... I just don't know what to do, Memaw! I'm scared..."
She was silent for a few minutes. I was thinking of all the possibilities of how he could come find me and my kids. What he may do. Ty was a dangerous person. I never meant to get on his bad side. Things just went wrong so quickly before I even realized what was happening.
"Emily... Maybe it's better for you to stay with your friends for a while until you figure this out."
"But Memaw... I want to stay home!"
"Em, I know, I want you to stay too but if it's dangerous... Maybe just stay there for a few days until you can make sure it's safe. You know I want you here, more than anything. You have got to straighten your life out before you can really be home."
"I-I know. Memaw, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I screwed up so bad... I just want things to be normal again!"
"I do too. I do too... I'm going to bed. If you're not here in the morning... I understand. Just please keep in touch. I just want to know that you're okay, okay?"
"Yeah... If I forget to call, please call me. I just... get forgetful sometimes."
"It's okay. I love you."
"I love you too."
I gave her a hug and she went to her bedroom to lay down. I sat in the chair wondering what I should do. Risk Ty coming to my home and hurting my family? Or go back to Troy's house and wait it out. He already knew I was there anyways.
After a few moments, I decided it was better to go. Not for the drugs, but because I was scared for my family. How did I end up in this position? I would never forgive myself for this.
I tip-toed into my room and grabbed a few things. I pet Caster, went into the boys room and gave them a kiss, then I got in the car and called Troy.
"What's up?"
"Hey, Troy? I need to come back for a few days. It's a mutual agreement with my grandma and everything going on with Ty."
"I understand. Doors open when you're ready."
"I'm about to leave... Can I have a bump when I get there? This is hard... I just can't handle this right now."
"I know it's hard. I'll have you something ready when you get here. You know that this isn't a better place to hide, right?"
"At this point, I don't want to hide, I just want him to come find me. I want to get this over with. I want to be ready to let this go... All of it."
"Well you come back for now. We will figure it out. I'll see you in a minute."
"Okay, thank you. Bye."
I headed back to his house with a lump in my throat. I'd rather "hide" where Ty could find me without my kids rather than risk my family getting hurt. I couldn't do that to them. Maybe I could reach out to him. Invite him to confront me. If he wanted to get me so bad, why wasn't he already coming over?
In a way, I was happy that my grandma understood and that this time I wasn't leaving without notice, but it was still hard to go. Either way, this was going to be hard. I knew I eventually had to choose which hard I wanted.
The choice wasn't going to be easy.
To be continued...
Okay, so some things I wanted to go over this chapter. This was the one that sent me spiraling last time. Having to go through the pain I had put everyone through again, plus the kids... It's heart breaking. It's a lot to re-live and get down in writing, but I know it has to be done.
In real life, my paranoid freak out was MUCH worse, but I didn't include all of it. I was screaming, crying, frantic. My grandma was just scared and didn't know what to do. I will never forgive myself for putting her through what I did. I wish I could take it all away, but all I can do now is try to make life better than it ever was in 2014.
Yes, I really did keep my grandmas car for days on end before... It was SUPER shitty of me, but days and time blended togetehr and I never really realized how long I had left her with no transportation until she would call me just to go to the grocery store. She enabled me for so long, but she never realized it. She was just trying to help the best way she knew how.
Also, yes my cats name was Caster. I'm not sure if I had wrote about him before, but god did I love that cat... I will talk more about him another time, but for now I will at least exlapin his name. The cat was actually my ex boyfriend's friends cat. They adopted him from a hispanic family that couldn't pronounce Casper, so they called him Caster. The name just stuck with him, kind of as a joke, and kind of because we all had a D&D group and it just fit! That cat HATED everyone. He would hiss and scratch, but he became rather fond of me. Once we bonded, he never left my side and eventually I took him in as my own cat. Enough of him now, as I said, he will come back into play later on.
Not sure if I had spoke on the "a million dollars" thing before, but if not, here's the deal! So, when Aiden was much younger, our currency of love was dollars, as a joke. He would say "I love you a million dollars!" and I'd say "I love you a trillion dollars!" and so on until it just got to made up numbers. I never did wash that off of the wall. I kept it there after I had moved back in, up until we moved out a few months ago.
That's all for that chapter and I will be back with another chapter on September 13th!