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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
This is a chapter that is it's own story. I can't remember what lead up to it, but it was shortly after I picked up Ty from Ethan's house, like, a few days later. More than likely I was at home, talking to Mason, tweaking out on something. Some things I just have no memory of and I'll be honest about it, but this is what I remember after the last bit.
The last few days went by in a blur. I stayed high and locked in my room. Clothes and trash littered the floor. Every now and then I would go out to play with the kids, but I'd get overwhelmed and hide again. I kept my curtains closed to keep the anxiety at bay. Seeing night come and go was a sickening feeling. My grandma checked up on me often, but I just told her I had a bug and wasn't feeling well.
Michael had kept messaging me and his text became more spiteful every time. He said: "Where the fuck are you?", "I swear to god if you're high I'm going to rip your throat out", "Fucking answer me, I can see you are on Facebook", and "I will come find you if I have to".
He finally threatened to tell my family that I was using, and that's what it took to get a response out of me.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I just haven't felt good. I've been really sick. Maybe it's just withdrawals or something. I just wanted to be alone for a while."
He messaged me back, not even a minute later.
"You could have said something to me! Do I not matter to you anymore? After everything I've given you and done for you, you just ignore me? I'm the best person you know in your shitty life, and you treat me like this?"
"Look, I said I'm sorry," I replied. "Why are you such an asshole?"
"Because you make me this way!"
"Whatever. If I feel good enough I may stop by later."
"Whatever," was his last response.
He was the only friend I had right now that wasn't constantly chasing a high. I just chalked it up to him being concerned. I was the only person in his life who came around often. It had seemed like he had ran everyone else off. I can't say that I blame them.
As I laid there in bed, I started to notice how bad I felt. My hands felt dry, my chest and throat burned, and my head was pounding. I didn't know when I had eaten or drank anything last. I knew I needed to, but I was scared of losing my high. I had no more dope left and I wanted it to last as long as it could. I could eat and drink when I come down. No biggie, right? People starve themselves all the time.
I started to get up and pick out some clothes to put on so I could appease Michael and show up for at least a little while. As I was about to leave my room, my phone started to ring. It was Ethan.
"Hello?"
"Hey girl, did you pick up Ty the other night?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Did he have any bags with him or anything?"
"Yeah, he had a black Nike duffel bag and another bag."
"That mother fucker. Look, that bag belongs to my girlfriends mom. It had some stuff in there that can't be replaced. My dope was in there, but I'm sure that's gone by now. The other bag was his, I'm not worried about that one."
"Oh shit, he said it was his! I'm so sorry, I didn't know!"
"I know you didn't. If you can get it back to me, I'll give you a gram. I need it as soon as possible. She doesn't know it's gone yet but if she finds out, she's going to lose it."
"I, I don't know where it is. I mean, I can check my car? Can I message you if I find it?"
"Yeah, that's good. Thanks Em, you're good people."
"Yeah, thanks. I'll let you know."
I threw myself back on the bed, hands to my face. "FUCK!" I thought. I thought it was Ty's! Shit, what do I do? I started panicking and threw on the rest of my clothes and walked out of my room.
My grandma was coloring with the boys at the kitchen table when I walked in.
"Hey Memaw, Michael said he's got some medicine for me that might help. I feel okay enough to drive over and get it. I'll be back in a bit, it won't be long. I promise."
"Well, okay. Whatever can help you feel better. I love you, be careful."
"Love you too. I love you boys! I'll be back in just a bit!"
I gave them all a hug and got in the car. I looked behind the passenger seat and there it was. The black Nike bag. It felt like a ton of weight lifted off of my shoulders. It was really here! All I had to do was drop it off with Ethan and I would be good. I was so happy I almost cried. I didn't know what I was going to do had I not have found it.
I picked up my phone and messaged Ethan as I was headed down the driveway.
"Found it. He left it in the car. I'll be there ASAP!"
I drove through town, only now realizing it was around 10 in the morning. I didn't know what day of the week it was or even what month. It didn't matter. All that mattered right now was getting this bag to him.
Why would Ty steal his bag though? Seemed pretty ballsy to me for someone who went over and smoked dope with him all night.
I pulled into Ethan's driveway and he came walking out. He opened the door and sat in the passenger seat.
"Thank you so much, you just saved me from a bunch of shit."
"Of course! I'm sorry he took it. I didn't see him get anything but dope out of it. I haven't touched it at all, I swear."
"I'm not worried about you. Here."
He handed me a little bag filled to the top with huge shards of meth. I had never had this much to myself before.
"Oh, thanks! Are you sure? I don't have anything to give you in return."
"You brought my shit back, that's enough honestly. Most people would have kept it for themselves."
"It's not mine, I have no interest in it."
"Well, thank you. I gotta take this in. I'll text you later."
"Sure thing, see you later."
He grabbed the bag, got out of the car, and went inside. It felt good to do something right in such a fucked up scene. I grabbed my phone and texted Michael that I was on my way, and headed over. I didn't know if I should expect to see him mad or happy, but I felt obligated to go at this point.
I was almost to his house when Ty started calling me.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, I left that bag in your car, can you bring it to me real quick?"
FUCK. My heart sank. I didn't know what to say. I tried to find a place on the side of the road to pull over.
"W-what bag?"
"The big ass black Nike bag. I sat it in the back."
"Oh, yeah, let me get ready and I'll bring it to you. I'll t-text you."
"Bet, thanks."
He hung up and I found a parking spot in a Walgreen's parking lot across the street from Michael's house. What did I do? What do I do! I couldn't think. Should I call Ethan? My hands were trembling as I dialed his number.
"Yo, you okay? You just left."
"Y-yeah I'm good. Well, no. Dude, Ty just called me. He's wanting that bag. I don't know what to do."
"First of all, fuck him. It wasn't his fucking bag. Just tell him I took it back. I'll handle him. You don't worry about it."
"Are you sure? I feel like I'm going to get caught in the middle of some shit and I'm not about all that."
"Yeah, if he has a problem he can come see me. He knows where I live."
"Okay, I'm really sorry. I don't know what to do."
"Stop apologizing. I got it, okay?"
"Okay, thanks."
I hung up the phone, but my stomach was still in knots. Who's bag was it? Was it really Ty's? Was it Ethan's? What was in it that was so important anyways?
I sent Ty a text, "I don't see it anywhere."
As soon as it said "read", his call was coming in. I didn't want to answer, but he knew I was by my phone. Shit, what did I just get myself in to?
"Hey."
"What do you mean it isn't there?"
"I-I mean, I don't see it. I looked all over the car."
"Did you take it?"
"What, no! I have no need for a bag. I don't care for Nike anyways."
"You really don't see it?"
"No... I don't."
"That was my bag. I had that same fucking bag since high school. My mom had bought it for me. It had all my clothes and other shit in it, and it's fucking gone?"
"I...I'm sorry, I don't know where it is."
"Did you see anyone else after me?"
"I s-saw Ethan this morning"
"Oh, you did?"
"Yeah... he gave me some dope. He said... he owed it to me. For giving him rides."
"Did he take it, Emily?"
"I didn't...I, no, I don't think so? I didn't see him take anything."
"That motherfucker is always taking my shit and saying it's his. He's a god damn thief, Emily!"
"I'm sorry."
"You know what, it's fine. You don't have it. He does. I'm heading that way now. I'll handle it myself. Thanks though. Look, don't let him trick you into this shit again. He's manipulative. He will take advantage of you every second he can."
"Okay, noted. Look, I don't know if he took it or not, I just know it's not in my car."
"It's fine. I'll handle it. I'll see you later."
He hung up and I let my head hit the steering wheel. What if Ty finds out I lied to him? What if Ethan tells Ty what really happened? My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I went ahead and drove across the street to Michael's house, maybe he could help me. He would either help me or chastise me for using. Either way, I wanted out of this car.
I pulled up to his house and ran up the stairs. I didn't knock. I opened the door to see him in the kitchen cooking something up. He was always making new recipes. He took one look at me and his face went from anger to worry in a second.
I looked at him and collapsed into his floor and started sobbing. I couldn't stop. I let myself cry into the carpet, face down. I didn't care how I looked. I didn't care about anything right now. I couldn't think straight enough to care.
Michael sat down next to me. "What's wrong? What happened? Are you okay?"
All I could do was shake my head. I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't even know if I could talk right now. After ten minutes or so I sat up and leaned against his wall. This time he looked at me with fury in his eyes.
"Toast, what the fuck is going on? You need to talk to me."
"It's a long story, I-I don't know how to explain it."
"Well I know you're high. Look at you. You look like a deer in headlights. Did someone hurt you?"
"No..."
"Then what the fuck is going on?"
"I'm just caught in the middle of some shit and I don't know what to do!"
"Toast. You need to go home. Just go home and don't worry about anyone else."
Inside I was screaming "I know! I want to!" but all I could say to Michael was, "I can't, I can't go home."
The sobbing started again. I was pulling at my hair, running my nails down my face as hard as I could. I started beating my head against the wall. I couldn't handle this anymore. I knew I could go home, I wanted to go home so badly. The dope game kept pulling me in against my will. As much as I wanted to, as much as I knew I could, the voice in my head kept telling me to stay.
"Calm the fuck down!" he yelled.
"I can't!" I yelled back. "I fucked up everything! I just want all of this to end!"
"Then just fucking stop!"
"I don't know how! I feel like I'm trapped and now I've got people mad at me and I fucked up everything and... and... I just don't know! God, what have I done..."
I felt like I was losing my mind. Maybe it was the lack of sleep with the lack of food and water that was making me over react, but I just couldn't calm down.
"Toast..."
"Don't fucking Toast me! You don't know what I'm going through!"
I looked up at him. He looked hurt, but I was furious now. I stood up, opened the door and ran down the stairs and to my car. He was yelling for me the whole time. By the time I was pulling away, he was at his door way with his hands in the air, screaming my name.
Maybe he wanted to understand and help me, maybe he wanted to knock sense into me. I just wanted to leave and go home. I shut my phone off and drove home as quickly as I could. I was reckless. I drove through stop signs, going 20 miles over the speed limit. I didn't care if a cop got behind me, I just wanted to be home.
I was pulling into my driveway, gravel going in all directions, when my grandma came running out onto the porch.
"What happened?" she yelled.
I got out of the car and ran up the stairs to her. I hugged her tight and she hugged me back.
"Michael and I just got in a fight. He's just an asshole."
"Oh well don't worry about him! You come in and rest. I made some cheeseburgers and fries, would you like some?"
"Please?"
"Of course, sit down and I'll make you a plate."
I sat at the kitchen table and laid my head down. I didn't care what Ty, Ethan or Michael wanted from me right now. I didn't care about the dope in my purse. I didn't care about the voice in my head telling me to get high. I wanted to feel normal, as hard as it was. It was all I wanted right now.
Aiden and Gavin sat down next to me and put their little hands on my back.
"I love you mommy," said Aiden.
"I love you too," said Gavin.
"I love you boys so much," I said as I held them tight. Why was I running away from this? Why was a drug, a feeling, controlling my life? I had to stop. I don't want this life anymore. I want my boys. My family. I want to be home.
"Here you go sweet heart," my grandma said as she sat a plate in front of me. I started eating as quickly as I could. At first it was hard, then I realized how hungry I really was.
I felt myself begin to cry again, but this time it was happy tears. I was home. I wasn't running dope for anyone. I was with my kids, with my family, doing normal things. It was nice.
I spent the rest of the day with my family. We never spoke about not going to college or work. We all just focused on happiness.
At least for a little while, everything was alright.
To be continued...
I still don't know who that bag really belonged to, but over time, what I did learn was that it probably didn't belong to either of them. I remember going into Michael's house so vividly that I could paint a picture of it. That breakdown was a *short* turning point for me. I didn't touch the dope Ethan gave me for over a week. I went hiking, I stayed home, and I actually got at job at Sears. I went into an interview sober and got hired on. I thought I had beaten the monster. I thought it was all over, but sadly, I was far from it.
No one ever said anything to me about that damn bag again. No one called or text me for rides or anything. It was the longest time I ever went without while using. There will be another time I went without, but I'm still deep into the dope game then. I'll get more into that when the time comes.
Here's the post I made when I got the job, lol. If you don't get the reference, it was a Dave Chapelle skit.
