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Before I start this chapter, I'm going back a bit from chapter 22. I remembered something that happened that I need to talk about. The sad truth is, meth will make you into a horrible monster. It leaves you hungry for drugs and emotionless. As I write this, please understand that this doesn't reflect who I am today. Not even who I was before meth. It's something I regret deeply, but I am here to share my story no matter how much I dislike my own actions.
To the young woman in this story, I'm so sorry.
🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
I was sitting at Brick's house with Ty. He was cleaning out a light bulb for us to smoke in since Brick had broken my pipe. There were shards of meth sitting on a small scale. I watched while Brick divided up the shards between bags. I sat on the couch messaging my friend, Kayla. To be honest, I only talked to her out of pity. She always messaged me paragraphs of drama that I had no interest in. I knew she had no one else to talk to, so I did the best I could to be nice to her.
She had been saying for weeks now that when she got the money in from her college grants, we would have a girl's night. I never planned to follow through, but she had messaged me earlier in the day saying she had finally got her money and bought me some stuff that she really wanted to give me. I felt bad telling her no, so I tried to figure out a way to make it work anyways.
I had to take Ty to sell some dope later, so I didn't know if I could actually make it out of there to her. I looked over at him getting frustrated with the light bulb.
"How do you make yours look so nice? I've been doing this shit for years and here you come along doing shit like it belongs in a magazine."
"I don't know what magazine that would be," I said as I took the pliers and bulb from his hands. "I don't know, man. I just do it."
I sat there and carefully bent back the metal and pulled out the inside wires, then handed it back to him.
"So, something came up. Do you think you'd have another ride tonight?"
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. It's my kids. I really need to be there for them."
"Right, I won't keep you away from your kids. I'll figure it out."
"Oh, okay. Well if you're cool with that, I'm going to head out in a bit."
"Yeah, I got other people who can give me rides."
"Then why do you always call on me?"
"Because I like you," he said as he looked down. "Not like that, but I like riding with you."
"Good enough answer for me."
We smoked a little bit before I left. As I backed out of the driveway, I text Kayla and let her know I was on my way. I felt guilty about all this. She had all these plans. She wanted to get our nails done, go eat and go shopping. I didn't like the thought of her spending money on me when I had nothing to give back. All I had was dope, and I sure as hell wasn't going to give her that.
She lived next door to my friend that I house sat for, so it was at least easy to find her house. I pulled up next to the mailbox and parked the car. Before I could let her know I was there, she came running outside, hands in the air, squealing with glee.
"Emily! I'm so happy to see you!"
"I'm happy to see you too," I said, fighting back the urge to roll my eyes.
"I have to show you what I got you, I think you'll love it!"
She went on to show me a black studded purse, some shoes, jewelry, and a few shirts. She knew I loved dark, gothic things, and she tried her best to go by that. Some of it was a little cringy and dated, but I thanked her nonetheless.
"Wow, thank you, Kayla. You didn't have to do this."
"It's okay! I wanted to. You're my best friend!"
"Heh, yeah, well, thank you. I appreciate it."
"Do you want to go get our nails done first?"
"Sure! I... I just feel bad because I have nothing I can give you. Like, I'm broke."
"I don't want anything back. It's enough to spend time with you and get out of my parent's house."
"Thank you. I'll find a way to repay you somehow."
We got in the car and started off into town. I was dreading this whole thing. She was hyper, annoying, and we didn't really have anything in common. I was going to do my best to enjoy it and not worry about getting high. I knew I could always meet Ty later and smoke with him.
We walked into a busy nail salon, sat down and waited for our turn.
"I think I'm going to get pink and black zebra stripes," she said with excitement.
"It's been so long since I got my nails done, I have no idea what to do. Uh, by the way, what's your spending limit? You know this place is expensive."
"I don't know, like $100? Is that enough?"
"That's some expensive ass nails, girl."
"It's worth it!"
She looked up pictures on her phone as I was called back. I told the guy that I had no idea what I wanted, and to just have fun. I chose purple and black and sat back and let him do all the work. As I watched, I started to notice all the places on my arms where I've been picking myself. I started to feel really self-conscious and my legs started to twitch. It was so hard to stay still. I felt like everyone knew I was high just by looking at me.
Kayla was in another chair getting her nails done. She looked over at me and smiled. I had tried to hint at her before that she shouldn't hang out with me; that I was getting high. She wouldn't listen. Poor Kayla was so naive. She thought all I did was smoke cigarettes. Sometimes I thought she had the mind of a child.
We got our nails finished and headed to the counter. A whopping $150 for both of us. She threw the money up there like it was nothing and we headed out.
"Oh my god, I am SO hungry! Do you want some food and drinks?"
"I'm not really hungry, but I will gladly go with you!"
"I'll totally get you something! Really it's no problem! Want to go to Applebee's?"
"Uh, yeah, sure. Let's go."
I knew there was no arguing with her. I hadn't eaten in days, but I hated eating when I was high. It was like chewing nails and dry dirt. Matt told me that it could also make you lose your high, and although I had more dope, the thought of losing my high scared me.
I reluctantly drove down the road to Applebee's. As we walked in, I saw that it was full of people, which made me even more nervous. Everywhere I went outside of my normal tweaker errands, I felt like people would stare at me. Like they knew I was high. They knew I had a bag of dope and a busted pipe in my purse. I couldn't get the paranoid thought out of my head. Thankfully, we got to sit in a corner where I faced the wall, away from everyone else.
Kayla ordered a round of fruity drinks and some mozzarella sticks. She went on and on about her boyfriend, her dog, her parents, literally everything that went through her mind, came out of her mouth. I just nodded and listened as I tried to eat a cheese stick.
We ordered our food, and I got halfway through it before I couldn't make myself eat anymore. She finished every crumb on the table, talking the whole way through. On our way out, she showed me her new phone. She seemed incredibly proud of it.
"It's like an iPhone, but it's not an iPhone. It was like, really cheap. My mom bought it for me, It's like, super cool and has all these games and apps! And I got this super cute phone case for it! Isn't it awesome!"
"Oh, yeah, that's really cool," I said, trying to show the slightest bit of interest.
It was getting late, at least for a normal person. It was around 11:30 and she decided she wanted to go roam around Walmart. I happily obliged since I knew Walmart was a dead zone at night.
"I'm going to leave my phone in the car. Can I put it in your glove compartment?"
"Yeah, of course!"
She closed it up safely in the car and we headed inside. She walked through the clothes and grabbed arm fulls of stuff while I checked my phone. I saw a message from Ty that read: "This phone is a piece of shit, Emily. You need to get me a new one."
I had bought Ty a phone just a few weeks ago, but it was an older phone that didn't work very well. He always got upset because he couldn't send messages or get on Facebook to get to his regular dealers. I looked up at Kayla talking about all of the girly necklaces and rings when the thought hit me.
Ty was going to get her phone, and I was going to help him do it.
"Can you make it to Walmart in the next 30 minutes?" I text him.
"No. I don't have a ride."
"I got you a phone. But you have to come get it."
I watched Kayla and followed her through the store. I had no care for what she was buying or what she was talking about. All I cared about was getting Ty what he needed because Ty got me what I needed. I knew I could get dope for helping him, and that was all I cared about.
"How?" he asked.
"Don't worry about it. It's a new phone. Glove compartment of my car. Take the case off. I'm parked in isle 4, front spot by the door. But you have to hurry."
"Bet. I got a ride, I'll be right there."
"Throw some papers around or something. Make it look like someone got into it and was searching for shit."
I looked up at Kayla, both hands full of stuff, trying to grab more.
"So, you want me to get a basket for you?"
"Oh my god, I didn't think of that! Yes! I totally need this comforter and I can't carry it."
"I'll be right back."
I walked down a few aisles, then I ran. I ran through the front doors and to the car to unlock it, then I grabbed a basket and went back to Kayla. She dropped all of her things in the basket, then started to pat her pockets.
"No! No, I think it's fine. The car is locked. I've got my phone if you need anything!"
"Oh, okay! Sounds good to me! I think I've got everything I want, are you ready to go?"
Oh shit, I thought. What if she came out right when Ty was there?
"Um, can we look at the cameras and stuff? I've been wanting to buy one, but I haven't really looked."
"Yes! Good Idea! I totally need one. My dog chewed up my other one!"
She went on again about her dogs while we walked over to the electronics. I kept checking my phone but didn't get a response yet. I pretended to show interest in the cameras and her extravagant story, but really, I didn't feel one single emotion. I wasn't paranoid. I wasn't scared or nervous. I felt nothing.
My phone buzzed. I looked at the short message that said: "got it".
I looked up at Kayla. For a split second, I felt guilty, but it diminished as soon as it arrived.
"I'm getting kind of tired, are you ready to go?" I asked.
"Sure!"
She walked her basket full of stuff to the only cashier upfront and spent the last bit of her money. As we walked out, I looked at the car, trying to notice a difference and see if Ty did what I asked. The closer we got, I realized he left the passenger side door open. The glove box was open and papers were scattered across the car. My jacket and car radio that was still in a box was missing too.
"Oh my god!" she screamed. She left her basket and ran to the car.
"Well, fuck," I said, trying to show some sort of concern.
"My phone! My phone is gone! All they left was the case. W-why would someone do this? I thought your car was locked?"
"It was. I'm so sorry. It looks like they took some of my things too. Have you checked under the seat?"
I helped her search the car, under seats, under the carpet, everywhere, although I knew it wasn't there.
"I just got that!" she said as she started to cry.
I looked at her with a straight face. I felt nothing watching the tears fall down her face. As I saw her cry, I walked over and put my arm around her. I knew what I did was wrong. It was terrible. It wasn't me. Meth did this to me. To her. It's turned me into an uncaring, emotionless monster. All I knew was that I'd get a gram for the phone, and that was all I wanted. That was all that mattered.
We loaded her stuff in the back of the car and I drove her home. On the way, she cried over not having any money left to buy a new one. Not once did she blame me. Not once did she ever regret buying me new nails, clothes, or taking me out to eat. She blamed herself for being so stupid to leave her phone in the car.
"Kayla, I'm really sorry. To be honest, it was probably someone I know."
"What do you mean?"
"I tried to tell you. I do drugs, Kayla. I do bad drugs. I hang around bad people, and some of those people don't like me."
"Weed doesn't make you a bad person!"
"Kayla. It's not weed. I smoke meth. I smoke fucking meth and I hang out with really bad people."
"No, you don't. You're not that kind of person. You wouldn't do that."
"That's not something I'd lie about."
"Whatever, Emily. You're not a bad person. I'll call Walmart tomorrow and ask them to look at the video."
"I'm really sorry this happened when you came with me. I feel like it's my fault."
"I know it's not your fault."
We pulled into her driveway. Her parents were outside smoking cigarettes. She got out and her mom noticed she was crying, so she ran down to see what happened.
"What's wrong?" her mom asked, looking at me. "What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything!"
"She didn't do anything, mom! Someone stole my phone out of her car!"
"What!" yelled her dad as he made his way down the steps. "She probably fucking stole it!"
"Look, I don't know what you all have against me, but I didn't do shit. Search my car! I'll show you what's in my purse and pockets! I don't fucking have it!"
Kayla was crying as her mom and dad tore apart my car. I emptied my purse out on the hood, pushing my pipe and drugs back into the bottom pocket. I watched as they tore up the carpet from the floorboards and went through all of my personal belongings. I didn't care. I was nervous that they might find a bag of dope of a pipe or something, but they wouldn't find her phone.
After they got all of her stuff inside and destroyed my car, they forced Kayla inside and told me to never speak to her again, like she was just a kid. I shrugged it off and got back into the car and drove down the road a ways until I came to a clearing and I could call Ty.
"Hello?"
"Hey, you got the phone?"
"Yeah. What the hell is this?"
"I don't know, some off-brand shit that's supposed to look like an iPhone."
"Well, it's really fucking nice. I owe you a G. Where are you?"
"I'm right off the bypass right now. I can meet you somewhere if you want. And do you have my shit?"
"Yeah, I just took it to make it look more believable."
"Cool, as long as you've got it. That's my only jacket."
"I got you. Come to Brick's. I'll hook you up. We just re-upp'ed with some really good shit."
"Hell yeah, I'm on my way."
On my way across town, I thought about Kayla. How she felt. How upset she was. Although I was sure there was a voice buried deep in my mind screaming "what the fuck kind of person have you become?!" I felt nothing. I got my high. I helped the person that has helped me.
Everything was good.
I remember this so vividly. I remember how sad she was. I remember how none of it affected me at all. How could I not care? How could I do such a heartless thing? I hate that I did this, but it also feels like I wasn't me when I did it. I was so high, and all I cared about was getting Ty what he needed or wanted. He was my only connection to the game for a while, and I was scared to lose him. I put his wants and needs over mine time and time again, which resulted in what I did to Kayla.
Today, this is never something I could do. It sickens me to know that this really happened. To be honest, I never told her the truth. Kayla went on to do some really messed up stuff, not drug-related, and I cut off our communication. She's not mentally stable and she did some awful things, so I no longer associate with her.
I wrote this because aside from being an addict, I didn't want my whole story to go on like I was some unicorn in the dope game. No, I was a horrible person. I did terrible things and hurt people I never wanted to. Meth drains you of every feeling. It's a terrible, awful drug.
I'm worried that some of you may see me differently after this chapter, but it was my truth. It was the monster that I became on meth. It's not reflective of who I am today. If I could go back in time, I'd punch myself in the jaw.
"Kayla", if you are reading this somehow, I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm truly, deeply sorry...