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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
It took me a while to stop crying, but I managed to gather my emotions and headed back to pick up Gio, Tyler, and Andre. We drove in silence with the windows down, letting the cool night breeze dry my tears.
As I pulled down the road, I could see their headlamps glowing through the trees. I slowly came to a stop and flashed my lights. The guys came running into the car and piled into the back seat.
"Get anything good?" Brittany asked as she turned around to face them.
"Nah, everything was already gone. Someone else must have found my spot," said Gio as he took the lamp off. "I do know a place we can hit real quick though."
"What do you mean? I'm not trying to go rob houses," I asked sternly.
"No, it's cool. It's like a huge ass storage building. No one is ever there."
"Yeah we've hit that place like, six times the past couple of weeks," said Kyle.
"I don't know. I don't feel comfortable with it."
"Don't give me that bull shit," said Gio. "I know what Ty did. You're no stranger to hitting a lick"
"No, but I'd rather not do it again."
"You don't have to do anything! Just sit in the car. In and out. Like, 5 minutes tops. It'll be worth your time, I promise."
"Whatever, " I said as I rolled my eyes.
I drove back down to the main road silently. I really didn't want to go through with this. What was I to do? Every time I stick up for myself I get shot down. Without a second thought, I quickly pulled into a parking lot for an old flea market and stopped the car.
"Look, I don't want to do it. This is my car. If you don't like it, get the fuck out. Doors unlocked."
"Yo, what the fuck? Who do you think you are?" said Kyle. "You're going to take us."
"Just fucking take them, Emily. God," scoffed Brittany as she shot me a sinister look.
The empathetic and caring woman she was just five minutes ago seemed to disappear. I felt scared, vulnerable, and lost. I could feel the tears coming on again, but I didn't let it show.
"O-ok, fine. Where am I going?"
"Right down deer trail. Just past the school. I will tell you when to stop."
I pulled out of the parking lot, now shaking with anger. Brittany turned on me as quickly as she became a kind, understanding person. I felt like Gio was irritated with me now too. What else could I do? I felt like I had lost all control of my own life.
I drove down the main road until we got the old country dirt road called deer trail. There were a few old houses here and there, some factories and a junkyard. I drove slowly, not really wanting to get to the destination, but I knew it was going to happen no matter what.
"Stop!" yelled Gio.
I slammed on my brakes in the middle of the road. I didn't see anything around us.
"Turn your lights off. We will be right back."
"I'm in the middle of the fucking road! I can't just turn my lights off!"
It was too late. The three men were already sprinting across a field into who knows where. I looked over at Brittany who was watching them run.
"Just chill for a minute. Keep the lights on until I say so."
I was terrified. If a cop came by and saw me sitting in the middle of a road with my lights off, I'd get a ticket. There was no telling if Brittany or anyone else had anything on them that would get us arrested. I just stared out of the window, checking the rearview mirror every few seconds to see if anyone was coming.
"Turn them off," she said.
I reluctantly turned the lights off. I couldn't see anything in front of me or beside me. I just tried to breathe slowly and keep myself calm. I waited, listening for any sign of them to come running back. Suddenly there was a thud against the car. I looked back and saw Gio loading up stuff in the back of the car as Tyler and Andre got back in. Gio closed the hatch and jumped back in.
"Did you hear that?!" Shouted Tyler.
"What?"
"Go! Go! Go now!"
"What the hell are you talking about? I didn't hear anything?"
"Just fucking go!"
"Yeah, I heard someone, drive! NOW!" Shouted Gio as he was hitting the back of my seat.
I floored it and started driving off before I could even think to turn the lights back on. I didn't know where I was going, but all I knew was that I had to get away fast. I kept looking in the rearview mirror for headlights, but I never saw anything. I drove until I got back into town and on the main roads. I felt safer, knowing if someone was trying to follow me, it would be harder to find us in traffic.
"Goddamnit, that was close!" said Gio as he sat back in the seat.
"I swear I didn't hear anything. I thought you said no one was there? I mean, it's almost four in the morning."
"Well someone was there and they weren't happy."
"Jesus fucking christ," I mumbled. "So where am I going now?"
"Back to my house. I'll unload everything later."
I drove everyone back to Gio's place. We walked in and I sat down in the living room on the cold wood floor while everyone else went back to his bedroom. I sat my head in my hands and tried to fight back more tears. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go home and never come back. Maybe I could handle the withdrawals on my own. Just delete everyone's numbers, delete Facebook and start all over. All I knew right now was that I didn't want this. I didn't want to continue living this way. How did I end up like this? Here, with junkies who break into places and steal shit. Who was I becoming?
"Hey, you alright lil mama?"
I looked up to see Tyler standing next to me. I wiped my face, trying not to show any traces of crying and stood up.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just... just got a lot going on. Kinda just want to go home."
"I got a better idea. Come to my place for a while. I got some dope there I'll share with you."
"I... Alright, Sure. Why not. I could smoke some right now. Take the edge off."
"Bet. I'll be right back."
I stood in the living room waiting for him to come back. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Would this be another Trevor incident? That's just what I needed tonight. I looked down and saw my knife still tucked away in my boot. I felt a little safer with it on me, but I knew that wouldn't stop everyone.
Tyler came back out and nodded at me and I quietly followed him out of the house. On the inside, I was screaming and crying to just tell him no and go back home, but the louder part of me was saying 'It's free dope, go get high'.
Tyer took me to a familiar part of town, to an old abandoned house with the windows and doors boarded up. He took a flashlight out of his pocket and led me inside. There was broken glass on the floor and pieces of wood scattered about. It looked like someone had tried to fix up the place at one point but soon gave up.
"So, is this your house?"
"Nah, it belongs to my mom, but she lives in another state. No one actually lives here right now. I just keep my shit here so no one bothers it."
"Oh, gotcha."
"I had to sneak you out because Brittany would lose her shit if she knew that I left with you."
"I can only imagine how that would have played out. Surely she has found out by now."
"Probably, but that's not our problem now," he said with a smile. "So I heard you're new to all this. What got you started?" he asked as he pulled a pipe out of a kitchen drawer and got it ready.
"Well, someone offered me some and I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to do it anyways. Once I found out, it was too late, ya know?"
"Damn, they didn't tell you? That's fucked up. Eh, it runs in my family. Both of my parents are addicts. Been using since I was eleven."
"Oh my god, that's awful. I'm so sorry."
"It's cool. It's all I know and I seem to be pretty good at it. I got a lot of felonies so there's not much else I can do with my life anyway."
He lit the pipe and took a hit and passed it to me. I took a long hit from it while he pulled up two metal chairs. He sat down and patted the seat next to him. As I sat down, he put his hand on my back. The sinking feeling in my gut came back. I passed the pipe back but tried to avoid eye contact with him. I looked around at the little bit I could see with the flashlight that was laying on the broken kitchen counter.
"So you don't shoot up?"
"No, no, it's not something I want to do. I don't think I could get myself to stick a needle in my arm."
"It's not that bad. I could show you how if you want. I have an extra rig in the drawer."
"I-I'm fine, really, thank you though."
"If you change your mind, let me know."
We passed the pipe back and forth for a while. Getting high helped suppress the emotions I had felt all night. I was finally starting to feel better in a way. After a few more minutes, Tyler's phone went off. He looked at it concerned and promptly got up.
"Hey, I have to go, but I'll see you around some time. Oh, here's my number. Text me, okay?"
He wrote his number down on an old gum wrapper and handed it to me with a smile before darting out of the door, leaving me in the dark. I was thankful for whatever text he got. I was afraid I would have ended up in another situation that I wouldn't be able to get out of. I turned on the flashlight on my phone and carefully walked out. I propped the plywood against the door frame and got back to my car.
Finally, my car, all by myself. No one to tell me where to go. I could finally go home. As I started the car and headed home, I realized I didn't have my purse. I pulled over in a parking lot and searched frantically before I remembered that it was at Gio's house. I'd just drive over really quick, grab it, and leave. They couldn't stop me. No one could force me to do anything. Just grab it and go.
I drove back to his house as the sun was starting to rise. I hurriedly ran up the stairs and knocked on the door. Unfortunately, Brittany was the one who opened it.
"Where's Tyler at?"
"He had to go take care of something. I just need to get my purse. I got to go home."
"Oh no honey, you aren't going home. I got shit to do."
"I am NOT your fucking taxi! I have two kids at home I need to go to, now let me get my purse."
"I don't think so," she said as she stood in the doorway, blocking me from getting in.
"Move, bitch," I said as I pushed her down to the floor.
I walked fast towards Gio's room and grabbed my purse from out of his closet. I turned around to see Brittany storming my way, but Gio walked in front of her before she made it to me.
"Oh! You're back! Look, I need you to take us somewhere real quick. It's really important. Please, Em."
"Dude, like I told your bitch, I have two kids I need to go home to like, NOW!"
"Seriously, this is an emergency. Just like, 20 minutes and you can leave. You can just drop us off. Please?"
"Goddamnit. No more than 20 minutes! I have got to leave!"
"Thank you, Em. I'll drive, I know where it is."
"What? Can you not just tell me?"
"It's just easier if I drive, okay?"
"Whatever," I said as I tossed him my keys.
They made it down the stairs before I even got to the door. I saw Brittany climb in the front seat and look up at me with a snarl. I walked down to the car and looked right back at her.
"Get the fuck out of the front seat."
She turned her head and acted like she didn't hear me. I pulled on the door, but it was locked. I got in the back seat anyways. The sooner we got this done, the sooner I could go home. I just wanted to go home.
Gio drove through downtown and up a steep hill into a trailer park that reeked of a strong chemical smell. I didn't know what it was, but I was sure it was a meth lab or two. He drove past all of the trailers, all the way back to a huge log cabin style house. He parked the car and he and Brittany got out.
"I'll be right back," he said as they both went inside.
"Right back," I thought to myself. "I thought I was dropping them off? Whatever, I'm leaving anyway."
I searched my purse for my keys but realized that Gio still had them. I slumped down in my seat and started crying. It was already morning time now. At least 6:30. I knew my grandma and the kids were up, but I couldn't be there to tell them good morning. I started sobbing, nearly screaming because I felt like I was stuck. I could at least call her. Let her know that I'd be home soon. Hopefully.
I grabbed my phone and took some deep breaths to calm myself down before I called her. After a few minutes, I got my phone and dialed her number.
"Hello?"
"Memaw?"
"Emily, where are you?"
"I don't know, Memaw."
"What do you mean you don't know? Are you okay?"
"Yeah... I-I'm fine. I just want to come home." I started crying even though I was trying so hard to fight it.
"Emily, tell me where you are. I will come to get you."
"I don't know! I really don't know! I was dropping some friends off but they have my keys, and I can't go get them. Memaw, I just want to come home!"
"It's okay, shh, it'll be okay. Are you safe?"
"Yes, I'm safe. I'm in my car waiting right now."
"Okay. You lock the doors and just stay put. As soon as you get your keys, come home. You hear me?"
"Yes. l-love you. I'm so sorry Memaw."
"It's okay, just come home as soon as you can."
"Please tell the boys I love them and that mommy will be home soon. I miss them so much."
"They love you too. I love you. Please be safe. If you need anything or you get in trouble, call me immediately. I will find you. You understand?"
"Yes, Memaw. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I did this."
"It's okay, just come home."
"I will. I will call you when I'm on my way. I love you."
"I love you too, I'll see you soon."
"Okay, bye..."
I hung up the phone and crawled to the back of the car where the seats were laid down. I curled into a ball and sobbed until I couldn't anymore. My phone was dying, but I got it out and scrolled through all of the pictures I had of my boys.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. Mommy is a fuck up. Mommy is a terrible person. You deserve better. I'm so sorry guys. I love you so much..." I kept repeating "I'm so sorry" over and over as I looked at their smiling, innocent faces looking back at me.
I stared at their pictures until my phone died. I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. As I laid there in my car, I tried to remind myself that this wasn't forever. Eventually, they would be back and I could go home. Eventually, I would go home.
After a few more minutes, I got up and climbed into the driver seat. The window was cracked, so I locked the doors and lit a cigarette. I looked around and saw old cars, RVs, boats, and other decaying automobiles sitting in an endless overgrown field. Other than that, the house looked normal. There was a new truck in the driveway and the porch was set up nicely, like something you'd seen in a Better Home's and Gardens magazine.
I waited for much longer than 20 minutes. It felt like it was going on two hours, but I didn't have any way to check the time. My anxiety grew as I waited. I lit another cigarette, then I noticed Gio and Brittany walking from around the back of the house back to my car. They had armfuls of clothes. Gio was wearing a bright orange jacket and a furry hat.
"This was a fucking emergency?!" I yelled. They didn't hear me.
They made their way slowly to my car and threw all of their treasures in the back. Gio came up to my window and looked at me confused. I looked at him like I was ready to kill him.
"Give me my god damn keys."
"Chill, here," he said as he passed them through the window. "Can you take us-"
"I will take you home, then I am going home."
"But-"
"I SAID I AM GOING HOME! You can have a ride home or stay here. I don't give a god damn fuck right now."
"Okay, okay. Take me home."
I unlocked the doors and they both climbed in. No one said a single word. I drove them home and dropped them off. As they were walking up the stairs I realized they left their stuff in the back. I wasn't about to tell them.
I drove home as quickly as I could, disobeying all speed limits and red lights. I didn't care about anything but going home.
I drove into the driveway so fast that rocks flew in all directions as I fishtailed into the yard. I shut off the car and just took a second to soak up where I was. I finally made it. I grabbed my purse and phone and ran inside.
"Memaw! My phone died, I'm so sorry, but I'm home!"
"Are you okay?" she asked as she came running towards me. "I kept calling you, but it just went to your voicemail."
"I'm fine. I promise. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
I started to cry again as she gave me a hug. Aiden and Gavin ran into the living room to join in. I never wanted to re-live that night. I was never going to let myself be controlled like that again.
I spent the rest of the day with my family. I didn't lock myself in my room or even think about getting high. I didn't even bother to charge my phone to avoid being tempted by any messages that someone may have sent me.
I was home safe with my family, where no one could force me to do anything I didn't want to do. I was finally free.
So that concludes chapter 28. This could technically be part 3 of Know Your Place because of where it left off, but regardless, here it is. This was harder for me to write than it was in the previous chapter. When it comes to anything about my kids and family, it just really hits deep. These things were the hardest parts for me to overcome and accept when I finally got clean. Having to accept that I had abandoned my kids and family for drugs took a very long time to accept.
When I first got clean, I remember bawling my eyes out in the shower because I was so weighed down with guilt about who I had become. I could never, ever imagine leaving my family like I used to. I have definitely grown and become a more responsible mother, daughter, and granddaughter.
Oh, I also forgot to mention that the stuff they took and threw in my back seat was 3 sets of really old golf clubs. Like, what are you even going to do with that? Spoiler alert, NOTHING. They sat in an extra room for as long as I was around. I did have to climb over the golf clubs to get to the very back of the car, but I had already written the rest when I remembered, and since it wasn't that important, I just decided to mention it down here.
Honestly, what is terrifying to me is the fact that there's a chance that I never would have gotten clean. Would I even be alive today? Would my kids know me? The thought makes me want to cry, I can't imagine such a life, and I am forever grateful that I was able to turn my life around. I only used for six months. A lot less time than a normal drug addict. I don't know how I got lucky enough to make it out, but I'm so glad I did.