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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
I got to spend another day with my kids. We watched TV, played outside, and I laid them down to bed. My grandma wasn't upset that I didn't make it back with any groceries. There were many weeks where we'd have to scrape by on ramen and Vienna sausages. To be honest, I didn't think about it much anymore because of how rarely I ate. I had completely forgotten that everyone else still needed food.
After the kids went to bed, I told my grandma I was going to stay over at Michael's house for the night and try and go to another food pantry in the morning. She seemed concerned as usual, but let me go anyways.
Before I left and headed back to Troy's house, I finally checked the text from Micahel.
"Toast, are you okay? I haven't heard from you. You haven't posted anything on Facebook. Are you still getting high? Please let me know you're okay."
I stared at the message for a moment before I replied. One day he hated me and chased me out of his house, then he's worried about me. Why would he care? He always seemed so bipolar when it came to us.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I've been getting high, but I'm managing well. Just been staying busy."
As soon as I sent the message, he almost instantly replied. I guess he'd been waiting by his phone to hear from me.
"Stay hydrated and make sure you eat. I know it's easy to forget that stuff, but you're going to feel like shit if you don't"
"I always feel like shit," I replied. "I'm on drugs like 24/7. It's just my life now. I'm good though, I promise. I found some good people to hang out with while I'm using."
"You know you can hang out with me, or did you forget about me?"
I wasn't in the mood for his pity party, so I ignored his message for the time being and messaged Troy to let them know I was on my way over.
I grabbed my things, fixed my hair, and headed out into the night. I hadn't touched anything they gave me earlier. I had thoughts of sneaking into the bathroom to do a line, but I didn't want to be so high I couldn't function around the kids. As I was driving, I started picking up speed on the backroads, getting more eager to finally get a chance to smoke again.
I pulled into their driveway and parked the car. As I got out, Danielle opened the front door and the dogs came running out to greet me. I looked up at her to see her standing in the doorway with pajama shorts, cowboy boots, a robe and a headlamp on. Quite the getup.
"You want to help us burn stuff?" she asked as I walked up the stairs.
"This late?"
"Yeah! We've been working on clearing out the yard for a little over a year now. It's a never-ending task. Troy's out there trying to get it started."
"Sure, sounds like fun to me," I said with a laugh. "Can I smoke first? I haven't since this morning and I'm getting a little antsy."
"Yeah, yeah, no problem."
I followed her inside and sat on the couch as she went and grabbed a lightbulb and a straw for me. I grabbed my little bag of shards and carefully picked the biggest one out of the bag. I dropped it in and lit it up. I watched anxiously as it melted and the smoke swirled around. I carefully blew out the smoke so I didn't choke myself on the first hit. Once it all settled back, I finally took a long hit. I started to feel the overwhelming sense of happiness and energy and felt like myself again, as sad as that really was.
I sat on the couch for about twenty minutes smoking from the lightbulb while I watched Danielle run different tools outside to Troy. A leafblower, a huge fan, hammers, saws, and other large tools that I wasn't familiar with. I finished off what I had and got up to walk to the back door, which didn't have any steps. I looked around confused, trying to figure out how the hell they were getting in and out so fast.
"Just jump!" I heard Troy yell from down the hill below me.
I shrugged and jumped down about four feet and landed on a cinder block. I looked down to see my leg bleeding, but I couldn't feel it so I just ignored it. I walked down the hill slowly until I saw him hacking away at a small tree while Danielle tried to get a fire going. Is this what normal tweakers did in their downtime? I was so used to running to hit licks and do other ungodly things that this just seemed too normal.
"Go help Danni," he said without ever taking his eyes off of the tree.
I walked over and helped her get the fire started. The night wasn't much more than cutting down trees and setting things on fire. It was kind of fun actually. I'd go in occasionally to smoke dope or grab a cigarette, but for the most part, we just tended the fire until the sun came up.
It was around 6:00 when they finally came inside and went into their room for another bump. I sat on their bed and smoked while they shot themselves up. I felt exhausted physically, but I was wide awake still. I sat away from the windows to avoid the sun. It still made me feel queasy watching the sunrise when I had been up all night.
"Have you heard from your boyfriend?" asked Troy.
"My who? I don't have a boyfriend."
"Oh, whatever. Gio. Have you heard from him?"
"He's not my boyfriend, but no. Not for a few days. I told him off the other day and haven't heard back since."
"He was supposed to be over here last night to help me cut these trees down."
"Want me to text him?"
"I have, he ain't answering. It's not like him to not show up here for that long."
"Really? I'm going to go stop by his house and check on him then. If he's not there, then I don't know how else to find him, but I'll go look."
"Thanks, Em. Let me know if he's alright."
"Sure thing."
I grabbed my keys and headed out towards Gio's house. I figured he'd be pissed off to see me, or Brittany might be there and I'd have to deal with her again, but I had a feeling that something was off. As I got closer to his house, I started to look at the people walking by just in case he was out and about. As I pulled down his road, I saw him.
He was walking slowly with a smug look on his face. As I got closer, I saw that he had a bloody nose and a busted lip. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and rolled down my window.
"Gio!"
He looked up at me and smiled and walked towards the car.
"What the hell happened?"
He shook his head and got in the passenger seat.
"Do I have a story for you. So, Brittany got an attitude because I didn't want to fuck her, so I told her to leave my fuckin' house. She left last night and this morning she showed up with three big black guys, okay? So ol' boy says 'who the fuck are you?' and I say 'Depends on who's asking' and he punches me in the fuckin' face. So I smile at him and say 'ain't nothing like a fresh cup of violence in the morning, eh?' and he tells me to give her her shit. I wasn't even keeping it from her. So these bastards walk in, take her shit and leave. That's cool and all but a bit unnecessary. I was heading to grab my last paycheck from the Indian restaurant down the road here and get some dope. So that's my story."
"Jesus Christ dude. Here, clean yourself up."
I grabbed some wipes from the glove box that I usually had stuck back for the kids. He wiped his face and smiled at me. That's when I noticed a tooth missing.
"Did... did he knock out a tooth?"
"What?" he pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror. "Well I'll be damned, I guess he did. Guess he wanted a souvenir. Oh well. Let's go get this check and get some dope, sound good?"
"Yeah, sounds like a plan to me. Oh, Troy was worried about you by the way."
"They don't need to worry about me. We'll go over there later."
I turned around and headed to a little restaurant on the corner where he got out and ran inside. I had no idea he was working anywhere. I waited a few minutes, then he came running out with an envelope in his hand.
"Alright, let's get out of here. Oh, and he gave me cash!"
"Nice!"
"I'm going to take you somewhere you haven't been, but it's cool. They know me really well so you're in good company."
"Oh, cool I guess."
I headed back across town. It seemed like I was heading in the same direction that I was yesterday, but I couldn't remember for sure. We made a pit stop in the parking lot of a Family Dollar store to hop in the back seat and smoke a little since he had a pipe on him. We listened to old punk songs and sang along while we smoked up the car, not worried about anyone who might come by.
After a while, we headed further down the road. To my surprise, I pulled up to the same little trailer with all the cats.
"I think I was here yesterday," I said as Gio was getting out of the car.
"How? Who the hell do you know that knows Miss Kim?"
"Danielle and Troy."
"Really? I didn't know they knew her too. Weird. Anyways, come on in."
I followed him up the stairs and into the house. There were a few other men sitting on the couch smoking while Miss Kim was talking to someone else while counting stacks of twenty-dollar bills.
"Smoke this so I know you're not a cop," said one of the men sitting down. He held out a pipe in my direction. I looked at Gio and he shrugged. I took the pipe and took a long hit and handed it back.
"Right on, and I know you aren't a cop, G. Who's this you got with you?"
"This is Emily, she's still kind of new to the game," Gio said as he introduced me.
I sat down next to the other grungy looking men and we all passed the pipe around while Gio went and paid for what he wanted. Another man walked in and they did the same to him, making him smoke to make sure he wasn't a cop. I figured if a cop was here, they wouldn't just show up all nonchalant, but it was free dope so I wasn't going to argue my point.
I smoked and pet the cats until Gio was done. He walked towards me with a large bag full of meth and an even bigger smile on his face.
"It took my whole check, but I'm going to be good for a while."
"Holy shit, I bet!"
"Five G's should last a few days."
"I would think so!"
"Well, let's go to Troy's house and share the love."
***************************Sorry to interrupt your previously scheduled programming, but guys, I can't remember anything I did between going back to their house that morning and that night. I have no idea. I don't remember if I stayed there or went home or what, and I'm not going to make up something for filler. I'll figure it out when I get the book out, but for now, my apologies!! I stayed up all night and thought on it and I just don't know, so this will pick up around Midnight at Troy & Danni's house with Gio, just as it left off.***************************
It was getting late, a little after midnight, and Gio and I went into the spare bedroom where he stayed most nights. He had a few bumps earlier and smoked with me, so he was a little sketched out. He climbed up on the bed and sat against the wall while I took a spot on the floor. He looked like an owl. He was unmoving and had a stern look on his face.
I looked up at him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He looked down at me and squinted his eyes. He stared at me for a few minutes and scooted further back onto the bed.
"You good?" I asked. "You had a lot today, dude."
"Oh, I'm good. I'm great. But what are you?"
"I'm sorry? What am I? I'm high, for one," I said with a short laugh. I realized he wasn't in a joking mood by any means,
"What are you, Emily?" He asked again.
"Dude, what? I'm a woman? I'm a friend, a tweaker? A failure? A bitch, lover, child, mother? I don't know what answer you're wanting from me.
"Okay. Well, who are you? Who are you really?"
"I'm Emily. I'm not anyone else. I don't know what you're getting at."
"There's just something about you that I can't trust. You are made of lies. You won't tell me the truth. You've been lying to me this whole time just to get something out of me. I don't know what yet, but I know you're against me. Just like they are. You'are hiding something and I'm going to find out what it is."
"What in the fuck are you talking about? What have I lied to you about, Gio? What am I possibly hiding? I drove out to your place this morning because I was worried about you. If I didn't care I wouldn't have ever left."
"You sent them. You sent those fuckers out to get me out of the house so you could come to get me. It was all a set up so you could get me here and take everything from me. So I'm going to ask again, who are you?"
"Oh, Jesus Christ. You are way too high. A-are you serious right now? You don't know who I am? We've done all this shit together, and now you are worried about me?"
"You've played a good game, Emily. You really convinced me that you were my friend. You can't just act this way in a matter of weeks. Friendship takes years. I've known all of my real friends for YEARS! You are lying to me! You have played me so well, but I know the truth. I know but I want you to tell me. I know your name, but, who are you?"
I sat there for a moment and just looked at him while he stared at me from the corner of his eyes and clenched his jaw. His eyes were huge, and I knew he had to be seriously out of it, but I never expected him to be this out of it.
He leaned in closer to me and stared me down some more before he sat back up and looked at me in utter disgust.
"I am your friend, Gio. I mean, I want to be your friend! I'm not lying to you. I have nothing to hide. I have been real with you this whole time. Why are you being like this?"
"You have lied to me! Everyone has lied to me! You have even tried to turn me against my own best friend. Did you even know Trevor was my best friend? And here I am trusting you and you turned me against him!"
"Gio I would never lie about that. How could you accuse me of lying about that?"
"Dope hoes cry rape all the time."
"I AM NOT A GOD DAMN DOPE HOE, GIO! God!"
I threw myself down on the floor and covered my face. I was so fed up with arguing with him but... I didn't want to lose his friendship over a stupid drug-fueled argument. He was really cool, and he wasn't like everyone else I hung around, so I decided to keep the conversation going.
I sat back up and looked at him while he still sat there like a rock; cold and unmoving.
Gio went on to call me a liar and question who I was until around 8:00 the next morning. I was mentally worn down, but I sat on the floor the whole time trying to convince him that I wasn't lying or tricking him. even after hours of talking and explaining myself, he never budged. He kept thinking I was the enemy.
I was finally getting up and getting ready to go home and get some sleep, then Gio stood up and walked over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, gently touching my hair.
"Is this your hair?" He asked.
"Kind of. I bought it. It's just a wig."
"That's it! That's fucking it! I knew you were hiding something from me!"
"I...what? What the fuck? You were freaking out... OVER MY WIG?! I would have told you that from the beginning had you asked! ALL of this, because YOU didn't think my hair was real?!"
He sat back on the bed with a smug look on his face, like he just made some new discovery that would change the world.
"Yeah. I knew it was a wig, but you wouldn't tell me."
"You are such a piece of shit, Gio!"
I grabbed my purse and stomped out of the room. Danni was in the kitchen and looked at me concerned as I was leaving.
"What's wrong?" she yelled as I was walking down the steps.
"Gio is a piece of shit!" I yelled back as I got into the car.
I couldn't believe I spent eight hours of my life arguing with someone because he thought my wig changed my identity and that I wasn't who I said I was. I was furious and tired. I drove home blasting heavy metal to accommodate my current mood.
I heard my phone go off and saw that it was a message from Danni asking me to please come back. I was thinking about it, but really I just wanted to get some sleep. Gio wore me out with all of the questions.
As I got home and headed inside, no one said anything to me. I just went right to my room and collapsed on the bed. Shoes still on and all. Being mentally tired seemed worse than being physically tired. Hopefully, Gio would come down soon. I hated to see him in such a state.
To be continued...
Okay, so yes the whole 8-hour conversation was about my wig! He was seriously fighting with me because he thought the wig made me a different person. If you had ever tried to get your point across to someone who is high, you will know what I went through.
That's what really sucks about trying to get through to someone who is using. No matter the proof, no matter the actions, you can not change their mind. Not while they are using anyways.
And the "you're not my real friend" was a reoccurring theme for him. He never believed that I could actually be his friend because I didn't know him as long as his other friends, so what I said and did never mattered. 5 years later we have overcome that, but during this time, it was defeating.
Also, I apologize again for the gap. I legit can not remember what happened, so I'm assuming it was something along the lines of burning stuff and cutting more trees, I don't know and I don't make up stuff while I'm writing.
I do remember what happened the following day though, and that will be next week's chapter.
Until then, thank you for reading & your support!