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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
I laid in bed, fighting against myself to sleep, even just for five minutes. I was coming down hard since I didn't use at all while I was arguing with Gio all night. I never once left his side. I was determined to get some sense into him, but of course, that never worked. I was still upset that the entire night, he was freaking out over my wig. Eight hours of convincing him I wasn't someone else, that I wasn't after him or trying to get him into something, all because of my hair.
I sat up in bed and reached for my phone. I had a few texts from Danni and several missed calls from Troy. Did I make them upset by leaving so quickly? Maybe I should have let them know what was going on. As I was typing out a response, another call came in from Troy.
"Hello?"
"Em! It's Danni. What happened? Gio is locked up in the room saying we're out to get him. It's not unusual really, but you were in there all night."
"Oh my god, he was wigging out over my wig. No pun intended, but he pissed me off once I found out why he was freaking out on me all night, so I left. I just couldn't deal with him anymore."
"Any time he stresses you out, just come in our room or find me. You aren't a bother and honestly have been a godsend since we met you. He can get really out there and there's no talking to him, you just got to let him do his thing and let him come down on his own. Will you come back? We miss you already!"
"Yeah, sure. I'll just try to avoid him."
"Good! You can smoke when you get here, I'm sure you need it."
"God, do I ever. I'll be there in a bit."
"Okay, see you soon."
I hung up the phone and sat there for a minute on the edge of the bed. The want to get high trumped the want to sleep, eat... or even see my kids. I picked up my purse off the floor and walked out without a second thought.
As I walked through the living room, I saw my grandma look at me.
"I left something behind, I gotta go get it. I'll be back!" I said as I walked out of the door, not even waiting for her response. Not bothering to tell the kids that I love them. After the night I had, I just wanted to get high. Nothing else mattered to me at this moment.
I got in the car and avoided looking at the house to see if the kids were watching me. Usually, I'd wave all the way down the road until I couldn't see them anymore. This time I looked away and fled out of the driveway as quickly as I could.
I felt the guilt build up. I felt the lump in my throat, the knots in my stomach, the tears that wanted to flow but couldn't. I felt it, but it was almost like the mute button was on for my emotions. I knew they were there. They were rampaging, but I easily ignored it.
I focused my thoughts on getting high again. That's all I wanted. It was what I needed. I turned the radio on and turned the volume all the way up as if to drown out any feelings I had even more. In the back of my mind, I was asking myself who I was becoming. Drugs had taken over the love for my family. I was becoming something so far from who I used to be. I didn't even know who I was anymore without drugs.
When I took that first hit at Michael's house, I never imagined it would lead me here. That I would become a liar, a thief, and a worthless mother. Maybe if I had known what it was, I would have never tried it. Maybe if someone had warned me when I was younger about what meth actually did, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I knew I was sinking deeper and deeper into this lifestyle, but when the kids weren't with me, this lifestyle was all I wanted. It's all I could think about. When they weren't in front of me, I didn't have to worry about them. I knew they were loved and taken care of with my grandma, so it wasn't like I was completely abandoning them, right?
I wasn't that bad... right?
I hit the steering wheel and let out a loud groan. I couldn't handle this right now. I was less than a minute away from their house and I just needed to get high.
As I pulled up the driveway, I felt a sense of relief. I knew what I needed so badly was only a few more minutes away. I got out and walked right inside. Gio was sitting on the living room couch playing his guitar when he stopped and looked up at me.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
I glared at him and flipped him off as I walked into Danni and Troy's room and shut the door behind me. I looked around the corner to see Danielle with her syringes and shot glass getting their stuff ready.
"Hey, you made it!"
"Yeah, I just really need to get out of this headspace I'm in. Also, fuck Gio."
"He came out with his guitar but hasn't said anything to us since you left. Did he say anything to you?"
"He asked why I was here."
"Well this is my God damn house and I'll have anyone here that I want," said Troy as he walked out of the bathroom. "He needs to remember that. I let him stay here, but he doesn't live here."
"Well, thanks for letting me come back."
"Anytime," said Troy as he sat on the bed and readied the syringes for the two of them. "Don't ever shoot up. That's what got Gio so out of his fuckin' mind. If I ever catch you shooting up, I'll beat your ass."
"I don't plan on it. I don't really see why I would when I get the same high by smoking."
"Eh, not really. It's different, but don't worry about that. Here."
He handed me my pipe and a lighter from behind his bed. It still had dope in it from the last time so I immediately lit it up and took a long drag. After a few more hits I finally felt the negative emotions and thoughts disappear. I felt free once again from everything I needed to escape. I wanted more though. I wanted to get as far away from my real life as I possibly could.
"Hey, um, sorry to bother you about this, but... do you maybe have a little I could do a line or two with?"
Troy was finishing up his bump and nodded his head. Danni grabbed a few shards from their stash and handed them over to me.
"You can use our big dresser over there, just clear you off a spot. I don't have a straw or anything though."
"That's alright, I keep one in my bag, Thank you so much."
I walked over to their large dresser across from the foot of their bed and sat the shards down. I grabbed my driver's license and a little pink straw from my bag. I crushed the shards with my ID and made three long lines on the wooden dresser. I cleared my nose and took them all down within seconds. I threw my head back and tried to get the rest out that was still in my nose.
I felt a huge rush of euphoria throughout my body. So much that it made my knees weak and I almost fell to the floor. I stumbled my way back to the bed and sat for a minute to take it all in.
"You alright?" Troy asked as he came to sit next to me.
I nodded my head and closed my eyes for a minute.
"That's that good shit from Miss Kim. You aren't used to that are you?" he said with a laugh. "You'll be alright. How are you feeling now?"
"I am so fucking high, dude. I feel amazing."
"Good, good. Gio's going to be pissed that we didn't get high with him, but he's going to have to wait till he comes down a bit. Every time he gets this way we have to cut him off."
"Oh, damn. So he normally gets to the point of no return? Self-control problem?"
"Yes and yes. When he gets dope in large amounts like that, he keeps going like a fucking tweaked out energizer bunny. We have to be his self-control when he's here or he loses it. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Just wait, you'll see it someday."
"Oh, well that's great."
"You want to help me burn some more stuff?" asked Danni as she was getting her cowboy boots on.
"Yeah, I love burning stuff!"
We all headed out of the room, but Gio wasn't anywhere to be seen when we got into the living room. I assumed he went back to the bedroom since the door was shut. We got into the front yard and saw him down the hill, sitting on an old fallen tree, just staring into the woods. I ignored him and followed Danni to grab some trash and other stuff to put into a pile of debris.
We were laughing and talking for a while when Gio came walking back up the hill and stopped to stare at me.
"She doesn't need to be here. She's a two-faced liar," he said to Danni.
"Fuck you, dude! Who the fuck are you calling a liar! You told me you had an emergency, then ran off with my keys for hours on end just to pilf someone's house! I have been nothing but good to you from day one!"
I threw my hands in the air and walked away while I heard Danni yell at him. I walked around to the back of the house and tied to shake off my anger. I knew he was just really out there, but I was getting really tired of his shit. I had done nothing to him for him to be this way.
I slowly walked back towards the front where Danni was and noticed that Gio wasn't there anymore.
"There you are! Where'd you go?" asked Danni as she walked towards me.
"I just walked to the other side of the house. I know he's really fucked up, but it's just frustrating because I have gone above and beyond for him since I met him!"
"You just got to ignore him. He's in the bedroom now I think. Just let him be for a while."
"Yeah alright, I guess."
We went back to piling up the burn pile when a black car slowly drove up the driveway. We both stopped and looked, trying to figure out who it was. They parked right behind my car and a short, skinny man got out. He was dressed in a black hoodie and jeans.
"Where's Gio?"
"Oh, hey Colton. He's inside, but he's on one right now so I don't know if you really want to go talk to him."
"I do. He owes me a gram."
"Oh fuck," Danni mumbled as she followed him inside.
I followed right behind her. We went into her room and locked the door. She sat on the bed and watched the security cameras like a hawk. There were four cameras. One on the front door, the driveway, the backyard, and the living room. I wasn't sure what she was expecting, but It didn't seem good.
I sat with her in silence watching the cameras. After a while, we watched Colton walk back into the living room. He stopped and looked around for a minute, then ran outside to his car.
"Well, that didn't seem to go as bad as I expected," she said.
"What were you expecting?"
"Fighting? Gunshots? He's not great at following up on his fronts, so I figured something would go down."
We were heading back out when we heard Gio yelling and cussing. We couldn't make it all out, but something about Colton being a son of a bitch and a backstabbing piece of shit. We both ignored it and walked back outside. His car was gone, but something was off with mine.
I walked along the side of my car and noticed one of my tires were slashed.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me! God damnit Gio!"
"What!?" Danni yelled as she came to my side. "Oh shit. I can go check the cameras!"
"I mean, there was only one guy here, and I don't think Troy would slash my tire. Why though! Why me? What the fuck did I do?"
"I don't know, I'm really sorry. Do you have a spare?"
"Yeah, but I don't have a jack."
"That's okay, Troy does. I'll go let him know you need him."
She walked off to find Troy while I sat down on the ground, staring at my poor, slashed tire. Why me? Why today? I didn't even fucking do anything. Did Gio put him up to this? How far was I going to let myself go down this hole before I realized I needed to get out of the game. I've already had a gun drawn on me, stabbed someone, and now my tire is slashed. I felt like I was digging my hole deeper and deeper instead of even looking for a way out of here. All I knew right now was that I would find him, and I would get revenge.
I got up and stomped in the house and flung the door open to Gio's room. He was sitting on the bed holding his pocket knife when he looked up at me in surprise.
"You piece of shit! Your fucking friend just slashed my tire!" I said as I walked right up to him. "Did you put him up to this!?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Whoever the fuck just came here to see you slashed my god damn tire, Gio!"
"What!? No! I wouldn't have asked him to do shit. Let me see."
He got up and we walked back outside. I stood on the steps with my arms folded while he crouched down to take a look at the damage. He looked over at me with a strong look of disappointment. Maybe he was finally coming down from his high because he looked like he actually gave a shit about what happened.
"Em, I'm sorry. I don't know why he did it. He doesn't even know you."
"I know!"
"I'll fix it. Fuck man, I'm really sorry."
"It's whatever dude! I guess this is just what I signed up for."
"You didn't sign up for your car to be vandalized."
I shrugged and sat down on the steps. Troy came around and started yelling at Gio that this was all his fault. Eventually, they got over themselves and started to work on getting the spare on. As I watched them, my phone started ringing. It was my grandma.
"Hello?"
"Where are you? You need to come home."
"You know, I'd love to but I just got my tire slashed and I'm trying to fix it now."
"What! Oh my god, who slashed your tire?"
"I don't know! I-I was in a parking lot. I went into the store to grab a drink... and I came back out to my tire being slashed. I'm getting help to fix it. I'll be home when I can."
"Fine," she said as she hung up on me.
"Whatever," I mumbled.
Obviously I lied to her, but I couldn't tell her that I was at my drug dealers house and some random dude showed up and slashed my tire. I was certain she didn't buy my story either, but I didn't care.
"Hey, Em?"
I looked up to see Danni standing next to me.
"Go inside and do another line if you want. Today just hasn't been your day, huh?"
"No, and it's not even noon yet."
"There's a little bag with spades on it in my nightstand, just take some out of there."
"Thank you, I really appreciate that."
I walked back inside and grabbed a few shards and did another three lines. I laid back on the bed and put my hands over my face. I just wanted this to end, but honestly, I didn't want it to stop either. What a strange rollercoaster this life was turning into.
I stared at the ceiling thinking that if I went home, I would just have to deal with my grandma being upset, but if I stay here, I can keep getting high and it wouldn't even cost me anything. Aside from Gio freaking out on me and my tire getting slashed, I really liked being here. It was starting to feel like a second home.
I decided that I'm just going to stay here for a while longer. What could it hurt?
To be continued...
So first of all, I forgot a very short part of last week's chapter that I remember better than anything else. I did get up once during the whole Gio debacle to use the bathroom and when I opened the bedroom door (The guest room opened to a door right across the hallway into one of the bathrooms) there was a chainsaw sitting on the toilet. Just a whole ass chainsaw, and I literally lost it. I started laughing because I swore I was losing my damn mind. There were SO MANY CHSINSAWS!!! All over the house, The toilet chainsaw really got me though. I'll never forget it. I think that was the most tweaker-esque thing I have ever encountered.
I've also really been dreading getting up to this point because as you can see, I'm no longer the person who worries about her kids. I'm no longer the one who has to go home because they will worry. I didn't tell them goodbye. I didn't even bother to look back. God it hurts to write and it only gets worse from here.
It's easier to write knowing that my life is a complete 180 today from where it was. I have all of my incredible children with me and I couldn't bare the thought of ever leaving them behind like this again.
And I do get my payback, in a way, to the guy who slashed my tires. That's going to be a bit further down the line, but I didn't let it go!
Also, sorry this chapter was a bit shorter than the rest. I'm doing the best I can to get to the bigger, more "action-packed" parts of my journey, but it all comes together in the end.