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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE & SEXUAL HARRASSMENT 🔴
PLEASE SEE CONTENT WARNING BELOW
CONTENT WARNING: Some things in the story below may be triggering for some readers, aside from the drug use, and uncomfortable for some to read. This regards race, racial slurs, sexuality, homophobia, and discrimination of those mentioned above. Please know that none of these things are beliefs of my own. Far from it actually. I only write as I remember how the people were, what they said, and what they believed in. I am here to write my story exactly as it happened, and it isn't always in line with some reader's views or even my own. This was my life and what was said by those I came across int my time while using. I apologize in advance for anyone who may be offended by the terms or situations in this story. As a reminder, this took place in Arkansas, a very proudly southern state. Again, the beliefs and thoughts of those in my story do not resonate with me on any level. Thank you for your understanding.
Hours passed as I sat in my room, locked away from my family and children. The time had passed where I was happy to be here, and now I was searching for a way to leave. I had to get out of here and find my next high. The pain in my chest told me to stay. Deep down I wanted to stay. I wanted to go in the living room and hug my children, play with them, and pretend none of this ever happened, but the louder voice was the one telling me to leave and get high. That was all that mattered anymore. As the internal struggle went on, I continued to reach out to anyone who might have a way to get out of here.
After several text messages, it was Levi who finally got back to me. He needed a ride to a friend's house. I didn't know what it would lead to, but with only a few connections to the dope game, I took it.
It was already late and the kids were getting ready for bed. I kissed them goodnight and left without saying a word to anyone else. No one else needed to know. By now, I was sure they knew I was on something, but I wasn't going to make it known myself. As I headed out to my car, I looked back at the house one more time. I saw my grandma shut the porch light off and lock the door. She already knew I wasn't coming back. It hurt to see because we had always communicated about every little thing we did, every place I was going, and I'd always try to hurry back to be with the kids. Things were different now, and I didn't know if they would ever be the same again.
As I drove into town to pick up Levi, I could feel tears wanting to fall, but they never did. My emotions were becoming more suppressed with each passing day. I lit a cigarette, turned up the rap music that used to be so foreign to me, and pushed it all down. I wondered when and if I would ever become completely numb to it all. I almost wished that I did just to make this new life easier, if for no one else, for me.
I pulled up to what looked like an abandoned apartment building and waited for Levi to make an appearance. A few minutes had passed before he finally came around and got into the car, blood on his hands, and a black eye.
"You alright?" I asked concerned.
"I won, that's all that matters."
"Congratulations I guess. Where to now?"
"You won't know where it is, but I'll tell you. There's someone I want you to meet. I think you'd two have a lot in common and get along great."
"Eh, if you say so."
We drove outside of town, down dark, winding roads and small unstable bridges before we finally arrived at a little mobile home on top of a hill. I followed him as we walked past several small dogs barking loud enough to be heard for miles around. I could hear the sounds of loud country music and a woman yelling. It definitely fit the description of where we were.
He knocked on the door a few times before an older, dark-haired woman flung the door open. She was dressed up like she was about to go to a party, but from the looks of things, it was a party for one.
"Levi! I've missed you so much, come here!"
She gave him a hug before yelling at her phone that she was done with whoever was on the other line and threw it across the house. I stood by the door, uncertain of what I should do; always feeling awkward in someone's house that I don't know.
"Who's this?" she said as she frowned and gestured in my direction.
"This is my friend Emily, I brought her along because I thought you two would get along!"
"I don't know her."
"She's still new to everything. Maybe you can show her some stuff? Get her more involved, you know?"
"Oh, a new girl! Yes! How are you sweetie, I'm Jackie". She held her hand out and I shook it awkwardly.
"I'm Emily. Nice to meet you."
"Well come in, don't be a stranger!"
As I walked in, I immediately noticed several rebel flags, nazi memorabilia, and guns scattered across the living room. I wanted to immediately leave because I knew this wasn't the place for me, but the voice that said she might have drugs to share kept me from saying anything.
I sat down on the edge of her couch as she and Levi caught up on everything in the kitchen. I overheard her say something along the lines of her husband being in jail, again, for distributing meth, firearms, and murder. The more she talked, the more nervous I got. I mean, I've been around some bad people, but I just got a really bad feeling about her from the get-go.
"So tell me about yourself," she said as she came over and sat down next to me, loading a little green pipe with ice.
"I don't know what to say, I'm not much of an interesting person."
"Sure you are! How'd you meet Levi?"
"Through a mutual friend. He just showed up one day, and I made him eat and get some sleep."
"He likes to just show up randomly. Look at you though, being a mama bear! I like that. Like me, you gotta take care of all these stubborn men. Can't keep getting high and fucking shit up if you don't stop every once in a while!"
She took a hit off of the pipe and passed it over to me. I took a long drag before passing it to Levi. Maybe getting high would make this situation better. I hoped so anyway, because I wasn't feeling it.
"So Jackson will be by in just a little bit," she said as she took the pipe back from Levi.
"Which one?"
"All of them! Big Jackson, Little Jackson, Jack, and J."
I stared at the ground confused. Surely someone didn't name off of their kids the same, and how odd would it be to find four friends with the same name? After passing the pipe around a few more times, we heard a loud truck pull up outside. Seconds later, four very large men with shaved heads came barreling in the door like it was a football game.
They all exclaimed excitedly over Levi being there and gathered around him for a while. I sat quietly, hoping I would be ignored. I stared at the TV that was quietly playing some sitcom show and waited for the hoorah to be over with.
They started sitting down, one of them sitting right next to me and immediately put his arm around me. I tensed up and tried to move away, but I was right against the arm of the couch. I had no escape from this strange, obviously drunk man, who reeked of alcohol, that was touching me.
I sat quietly as they all talked. Some watching the TV, others going on about fights, drugs, and Levi's jail time. I focused on the TV just trying to zone out from everything happening when the uproar started. Two men on the TV started kissing, and everyone lost it.
"What the fuck is this faggot shit, get this gay shit off the TV, what the fuck are you watching?" exclaimed the man next to me.
The others started getting mad at Jackie for even having it on, although she had no idea what it was that was playing. She quickly turned it over but they all started spouting slurs and homophobic comments.
I have always been accepting of others, and very much an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. I saw no difference in anyone regardless of color, sexual orientation, or anything. I could tell these people thought much differently, which made me feel even more uncomfortable.
These were not my people. This was no place to make friends or new connections. Honestly, this was a place I should leave as quickly as I could.
After the rants about the couple on TV, they moved on to race. A very heated conversation about how terrible African American (not the words they chose to use) people were, and how "we" needed to nuke Africa and bring back segregation.
It became clear very quickly who I was surrounded by. I had never felt like such an outcast in my life. Being me, I wanted to argue my thoughts and opinions but I knew better than to do it here. They may possibly kill me if I tried.
I sat quietly, hoping and praying Levi would tell me that we need to leave soon, but the opposite happened. He left. He left with the other four men and told me and Jackie to have a good time. I was scared, confused, and immediately tried to find a way to leave. It was almost midnight, so I couldn't say the kids needed me; They were asleep. I couldn't say that I had a phone call because my phone never rang. I could just leave, but I was scared. Scared to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Scared to be caught in a lie. I had to play along until I found my way out.
"Well, they probably going to the ring."
"The ring?"
"It's great! Let me tell you about it. It's just an old barn. Pretty much everyone gets drunk, they fight in a ring and I mean beat the shit out of each other. Broken bones, going unconscious, but it's all in good fun! The ladies get to watch, get free dope, and as much beer as we want. Being a woman in this kind of world really has it's advantages. But you've got to show them that you are dominant. You have to command them and not take any shit. Sometimes you got to fight them too, but that's all part of it. Gotta earn your stripes before you get treated with respect or they will own you. Just walk all over you."
I nodded slowly. I had no idea how to respond to that. It all sounded absolutely terrible. Aside from the free dope, but I don't think I'd ever go that far to get high.
"Things have changed though, you know?" she said as she took a hit from her pipe.
She sat back in her chair, looking blankly at the wall. It seemed like she needed someone to talk to, and the most I could do right now was listen.
"We used to have everything organized. We had planned meetings with no fights. Just a bunch of good 'ol boys. But look at us now. Ever since Fred got sent back to prison, we let the dope consume us. We aren't anything like we used to be. It used to be good. You didn't have any men disrespect you. Things were handled in a professional manner. But we started using again about six years ago and it all fell apart."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't apologize. You never apologize for anything. Thank you, but never apologize. We never say sorry. That's been a golden rule from the beginning. But anyway, how about we get dressed up and see who we can get some smoke from?"
"I'm down for that!"
"Alright sister, let me change. I have a big box of makeup over on the kitchen table you can use if you want."
She walked into her bedroom and closed the door. I already had makeup on, so I didn't bother with her stuff. I pulled out my phone and scrolled mindlessly through Facebook. I came across a post from Michael throwing a pity party about how all his friends always leave him for another guy or drugs. I rolled my eyes but liked the post anyway just to piss him off.
She finally came back out dressed in a mini skirt, corset shirt, and high heeled boots. She looked like she was going for more than drugs, but that wasn't my problem to worry about.
"You ready?"
"I'm always ready for free dope."
"That's my girl! Let's roll."
As we drove, she talked about her husband and how she wanted to leave him. She talked more about the history of everything she was involved in and why everyone was named Jackson. Family thing apparently.
We pulled into a rundown trailer park where people were on their porch casually smoking meth and hitting bongs like cops just didn't exist on this side of town. I pulled in behind a big SUV as another car was leaving. I could tell this was a hot spot.
I followed her inside to see several barely dressed women catering to men laid back on couches and chairs. I looked over and to my surprise, I saw a guy that I went to school with. He was in the middle of the room sitting in a recliner while he yelled for his girlfriend to bring him his money. Not thinking about the situation or people I was surrounded by, I excitedly said hello and asked how he was doing.
"I'm fine. I get that you haven't seen me in a long time, but you don't speak to me unless I speak to you first."
"Oh. My bad."
I turned around quickly and sat down next to Jackie who had made herself comfortable next to another man. I wasn't phased by his response since he had usually bullied me in school for being the weird kid anyway. It was strange to see these women working like slaves to some low life tweakers in a trap house though. I wouldn't ever lose enough respect for myself to do that for drugs. I at least hoped I'd never see the day.
I sat quietly while she tried, and failed, to get dope from any of the men. Once she got frustrated enough, she grabbed my hand and led me out of the door. As we were getting in the car, someone else pulled up. A few guys got out, but two of them stopped and talked to her. After waiting a few minutes, they hopped in my backseat. I was a little upset because she didn't even say anything to me first, but I accepted it anyway.
"I don't know about ya'll, but I'm hungry. Who wants McDonald's?"
The two men in the back agreed with her, but I was nowhere near hungry and didn't have a dollar to my name.
"Drive to McDonald's, I'll show you how it's done. Just park off to the side."
I did as she said. I watched her from the rearview mirror while she rummaged through the trashcan, coming back with several receipts.
"This is how you get free food. Watch and learn!"
She held on to a long receipt and called the store. She started to complain that she had asked for a burger but had got something else instead. She told them she was hungry so she ate it anyway but demanded she got what she "paid" for. She started yelling at the person on the phone, demanding their manager, then their district manager. I could hear the person on the other line repeatedly telling her that they can not do anything for her.
She hung up the phone visibly frustrated, then went on a rant about how the employees are low lives and that she would just come back and shoot them all. I felt bad for whoever had to take her call. That was no way to treat anyone who's just trying to do their job, and no way to act when you're lying to get free food. The more I was around Jackie, the more I started to hate her. I just wanted to leave, but now I had three other people in my car. I was stuck, once again.
She ordered me to drive her back home with the two men in tow. As we drove down the bypass, she saw a cop. I was doing about 30 over the speed limit, and we saw the lights come on and him turn around, although he was already pretty far behind.
"Shit! He's coming! GO! GO!" She yelled.
The men started beating the back of my seat and yelling, but I shut them out and went into full outlaw mode.
"I got this. Hang on tight."
I floored it down the bypass, fishtailed onto a back road, then onto another. I couldn't see any lights in sight, but I kept driving recklessly. As I pulled down her road, I shut the lights off. It was pitch black with no street lights, but I found my way to her driveway and immediately shut the car off.
We slumped down in the seats, listening carefully for any sirens and looking for lights. After a few minutes had passed, we saw no sign of the police. I have successfully outrun the cops. My heart was pounding. It all happened so fast. It felt like a movie scene. I felt like a wanted criminal but I felt so badass. After a few congratulations, we headed back into her house. I sat on the end of the couch, scrolling through my phone, while her and one of the men went back into her room and shut the door. The other man laid on the other end of the couch watching TV.
I felt uncomfortable being alone in a room, in a house I didn't know well, with a man who I didn't know. I tried to be still, hoping he'd just forget about me, but that wasn't the case. He sat up and slid one hand into his pants, and the other on my leg.
I ignored him, to which he removed his hand from me, but just scooted closer.
"Can I help you?" I said frustrated. Completely aware that if I said the wrong thing, he would probably punch me in the face, but I was so over everything that I didn't care anymore.
"I think you can."
"How so?"
He looked down at his crotch, then back up at me. I shook my head, but he put his hand on my leg again.
"I have a boyfriend. I'm not interested."
"He's not here though, is he?"
"Doesn't matter, I'm not a piece of shit." I said, still staring into my phone.
"You know there's nothing you can do to stop me, right?"
I clenched my jaw. He was right. There was nothing I could do at this moment to keep him from doing whatever he wanted to me. I stood my ground though like Jackie told me to do. I was not the innocent person I was before. I was becoming hardened by the dope game. I was caring less, and becoming more assertive with every single foul action made towards me. I didn't know how to get people out of my car yet, but I'll be damned if I keep getting walked all over.
"I will kill you. I swear on my life, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand?" I looked away from my phone to stare into his eyes with a blinding rage that had been building up all night.
"That's cute, how do you plan to do that?"
"I will stab you in the throat. One quick move is all it takes. I stabbed the last man who tried. Want to see the bloodstains in my car? Because I will gladly show you right now. Do you want to find out? I don't think Jackie would find it very polite to treat a guest this way."
I paused, becoming speechless at the words coming out of my own mouth. I was red-faced and flustered, but I felt empowered. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of this man or what his reaction may be.
"That's some ballsy shit to say."
He nodded and moved away from me and over to the recliner. He didn't say a word to me for the rest of the night. I did it. I stood my ground, and I was finally respected. It felt good, but I was shaking all over from the adrenaline rush.
After a few hours passed, I realized it was almost six in the morning. I looked over at the passed out man in the recliner, then it dawned on me. I can leave. This is my chance. I put my phone in my pocket and slowly grabbed my keys from my purse, making sure I made no noise. I slowly got up from the couch, not taking my eyes off of the door to her bedroom.
It took me over ten minutes to cross the small living room. As I finally made it to the door, I opened it incredibly slowly, preventing any squeaking. Her dogs were on the porch sound asleep. If they knew I was there, they would lose their shit. I took a deep breath, as I was halfway out of the door now, terrified she would come out and see me leaving.
After a few more minutes, I was outside. Alone. I crept past the dogs, making sure not a single one noticed me. As soon as I set foot off of the porch, I ran as fast as I could to my car, jumped in, and started it as quickly as I possibly could and floored it out of there, gravel flinging all directions.
As I started passing houses, it set in that I was free, once again, from a situation I never wanted to be in in the first place. I started bawling. I cried so hard that I had to pull over. I put my seatbelt on, gathered myself, and drove home.
I knew I wouldn't stay long when I got there, but to be somewhere where I knew I wouldn't be surrounded by murderous, racist addicts sounded like heaven to me. I had to get myself away from these situations. Troy had to open his house back up to me again. I felt safe there. Everywhere else I've gone has been a nightmare.
I rolled the windows down and took the long way home. Happy to enjoy the silence and freedom for at least a few minutes. All I knew right now was that if I wanted to keep getting high, I had to get back to Troy's house. I'd figure it out some way, somehow.
This was a tough chapter for me because it brings back feelings of losing control. I'll be honest, I'm a bit of a control freak. If I have no control over the situation, I freak out. Not a full-blown freakout, but high anxiety at least. I remember that it took forever for me to leave her house. I had never moved so slowly in my life, but I was terrified. Those people I was around (I can not get into many details about them) are ruthless, heartless, dangerous people. It was all around a terrifying situation.
About the guy who I went to school with, he was actually gunned down a few months after I got clean due to a drug-related incident. He was expecting a baby (don't remember the gender) and he was trying so hard to distance himself from where he was. He was doing good, but that one time he went back was his last. May he rest in peace.
This was my last conversation with him, the night after I saw him. The whole respect thing and the way he talked to me was due to his status in the whole hoopla he was involved with. Hooplah is the best word I can think of because that's all it was. *Insert Spongebob meme here* heh.
Unrelated, but while going through my messages to find his, I saw so many of these conversations about using. Hustling to get money to get high. It's really depressing to look at. It's a hard copy reminder of things I said and did. I have distanced myself so far from the life I used to live that looking back on this is just so unreal sometimes.
