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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - GENERAL TALK ABOUT DRUGS / NO USING 🔴
The night went as it usually did with Matt & Michael. My suicidal thoughts subsided and I was once again met with the familiar high of meth. It was almost comforting. Sadness and anger couldn't touch me when I was high.
I was able to easily break free and head back home around the same time I would have left work. I was about halfway home when I realized I didn't have my work shirt on.
"Well shit", I said out loud. I was hoping no one was awake when I got home. I wasn't prepared with a story about not having it on. Not only did I bail out on college, but now I was unemployed as well. I mean, I was assuming I was. If you call your boss a bitch and hang up on him, I would say you're fired. I didn't want my grandparents to know what was really happening in my life.
As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed that all of the lights were off. I was home safe. I walked in the house slowly, making sure to avoid every little creaky spot on the floor. I peeked into the boys bedroom. They were sound asleep. I got into my room and locked the door behind me.
I walked over to my bed and sat down. I finally felt safe and stress free. There was no more sadness, shame or guilt. I became overjoyed at the thought of being able to spend the night by myself while I was high. I didn't have to entertain Michael and his history lessons, and I didn't have to worry about taking Matt any where.
The thought of this was incredible. I could do whatever I wanted. I looked around my room. There were plenty of books, but I didn't have an interest in reading while I was high, and I didn't really watch TV. I frowned and looked over at my laptop.
Of course! Social media. "What better way spend the next 7 hours of my night", I thought sarcastically. I hopped on my bed and opened Facebook. There wasn't much going on, but I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I just wanted to talk to someone and be social.
Michael was my only real friend, and I felt like I had enough of him for a while. I knew if I messaged him, I would never get him to stop. I had hundreds of people on my Facebook, but no one I really knew. "Why not make friends," I thought.
Typically I was a shy and introverted person. The thing that I loved about being high was that it took all that away. I was open and felt like I could talk to anyone about anything. It made me the person that I always wanted to be.
I took a look at my friends list. 284 "friends". Maybe 20 I knew from school or previous jobs, but no one I would really talk to just because. I went to my friends list and started messaging everyone I saw.
Some people I just said "Hi" or What's up", but I really went the extra mile with others. I introduced myself, told them what I was doing, asked about their life, complimented their art or clothes and so on.
I spent hours sitting in bed, hunched over my laptop messaging people. It was almost 2:00 in the morning now. No one had responded, but I didn't exactly expect them to at this time of night. I finally decided to just message Matt.
"What's up?!"
"Chilling at Michael's. Listening to music. You ever heard of Pretty Lights?"
"Nope, who's that?"
"Dude. You've got to listen to this song. It's LEGIT."
Matt sent me a link to a song by Pretty Lights called "I know the truth". I opened YouTube and played the video. It was a hypnotic dupstep song. It wasn't really my style, but I kept it on a loop anyways.
While going through my friends list, I came across a guy I had met earlier in the year at work. His name was Mason.
We met a few months ago in the strangest of ways. We worked at a call center where I wanted to be a class trainer. I was far from the qualifications, but they decided to let me shadow a class for a week anyways. The original class I was going to shadow was postponed, so they moved me to a different week. Mason was supposed to start in another few weeks, but he ended up starting with the same class I was moved to.
I sat in the back right next to him. He complimented my tattoos, and I said I liked his book bag. From then on, we passed notes back and forth, had lunch together, and I gave him rides to work. The last day of our class together, he gave me his necklace so I wouldn't forget him. He was a little shy and awkward about it, but it meant a lot to me. Soon after I left that job, and he left too.
We lost touch, as he had moved to Wisconsin, and I was doing my own thing. I went and took a look at his profile. He had a picture with sunglasses on and a cute little smirk. I couldn't help but fall in love with his little side grin. Just as I had been doing with everyone else, I decided to message him too.
I sent over a simple "Hey", and hoped for a reply. Not too long after we met, we both had feelings for each other that we couldn't share, since we were both in committed relationships then. We knew. Our friends knew. We just kept it hidden.
I went on through the rest of the morning sending compliments and other messages to strangers until I had no one left to talk to. The same song was still playing quietly as the sun started to shine over the trees and in through my bedroom window.
I closed my laptop around 6:00 that morning and finally curled up under my blankets and turned off the lights. My high was fading and sleep deprivation was kicking in.
As I closed my eyes, all I could think about was Mason. Of everyone I had sent a message to, he was the one who stood out to me. He was the only one I was hoping to hear back from.
My phone went off with a small ping. I looked over and saw "1 unread message from Mason Tilley".
I smiled, and drifted off to sleep.
To be continued...
So this is a very important part of the story. Yes, I know it's slow. There's no shooting, no drug dealing, nothing like that. For those of you who don't know, Mason is my husband. Not to spoil the story, but it's no secret really.
I still have the necklace he gave to me, and I used to have it hanging from my rear view mirror in my car. I'd love to tell the full story all about him, but I will have to save that for later.
I went through my old Facebook and found a few messages I sent that night. Looking back on it is very cringey, but it is what it is. I added a few below. Here's what my high induced happiness looked like that night:
That one was good at least :) I don't remember who it was though.
Never got a response, hahaha.
This was to one of my old school friends. I believe she blocked me afterwards, haha...
Ahhhh, it's all awful, I know.
So all in all, the last few stories were slow, but they will pick up. Oh will they ever pick up... There's a lot of drama. A lot of scary stuff happening. Just a reminder, there are somethings I will legally have to leave out. And some things I have to leave out for my own safety. I will work around it the best that I can but it won't affect the story over all.