From the beginning

J U N E  2 0 0 8 It was a beautiful day outside. I was sitting in the yard, watching my dad and his friends work on his Harley. There wasn't a cloud to be seen. The breeze was blowing softly. "Today is the last day of just being me," I thought to myself. I was just 17 and 9 months pregnant with my son, Aiden.  I sat there, thinking about how my life would change. Who was I to be a mother? Just last year, I started a food fight in the cafeteria and was rolling down grassy hills at lunchtime with all of my friends. A strange bunch we were. All of us were the "emo" kids. Black hair. Dressed in skulls and neon colors. A rowdy bunch of teenagers enjoying our youth. My hair, now blonde, shined brightly in the sunlight. I swapped my spiked chokers and platform boots for denim capris and the only green shirt that would fit over my pregnant belly. I didn't feel like myself, but it's what I had to do as a mother. I was told by many adults that I had to change. My son would be embarrassed to have his mother show up to school with pink hair and converse. I left myself behind that summer. The free-spirited, careless teenager was just a memory. It hurt. Everything felt fake. It was like I was pretending to be someone else. That the person I was before I was pregnant never existed. The next day, on June 17th, I gave birth to Aiden. A beautiful baby boy with light brown hair, just barely 7 pounds. I was so in love, but I was scared just the same. I felt that I needed to know what to do. They all said it would come naturally. It was an intimidating, but beautiful time.

I was sent right back to summer school as soon as I was home. It was heartbreaking to leave him with my stepmother. Would she hold him when he cried? Would she feed him when he was hungry? Would he think she was his mom? I had so many questions that went unanswered. It felt like everyone wanted me to pick up where I left off like nothing happened. I was young and lost. I felt like I had lost my identity. I was only a mother and nothing else. I couldn't go out with my friends anymore. It was school and sleep. That's all that mattered anymore. It didn't matter who I was or what I wanted. It was all about Aiden, all of the time. At such a young age, it was hard to understand why things were the way they were. Now, at 27, I understand. I wish I could have gone back to tell myself all the things I know now.

I never was upset with Aiden for being here. I never once blamed him for why I couldn't act my age and have fun. I was resentful to the adults in my life. The ones who told me to change. To give up. Who said in many ways, that I as a person no longer matter. My sole purpose on this earth is to take care of and raise my son. The negativity I felt from that grew for years and years. As Aiden grew, he was easier to take care of and more people were okay with watching him. I was able to go to the movies, have boyfriends and shop at the mall, but I still held a heavy weight with me. I still didn't know who I was. I felt alien to myself. Though I was able to have a few hours here and there to enjoy being a teenager, it was never enough. A few years later, I married my now ex-husband, Ray. I was still young, reckless and lost. While we were together, I ended up pregnant with my second son, Gavin. Our marriage didn't last long, as we were both still young and trying to find ourselves, but the weight of yet another child to care for sank me deeper into the hole I was in. Just like Aiden, I love Gavin with all of my heart and never once blamed him for "missing out". With the weight from the years before, and now going through a divorce at only 21 years old, I was a disaster on the inside. When I would go out with friends, I would drink until I blacked out. I became violent and once purposely hurt myself in the process. I never drank around my kids, but I started finding more ways to get out of the house to be free.  Drinking felt like freedom to me. I could be the wild, careless teenager I once was. It was my new escape.  Thankfully, the phase didn't last long, and I found myself sober and back with my family. The feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt never left me though. I still felt trapped. I had lost my best friend to a petty argument and had no one left. I was miserable and just wanted to feel free again. I thought it would never happen. That was until I met Michael when I was 23.  He changed my life. To be continued...