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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
Previously on Know your place: Part One -
- Gio forced Ty to give me the dope he cheated me on
- Made a stop at Troy's house
- We went back to Gio's house, only to meet Brittany
- I went back home and passed out on my bed while getting high, dropping my pipe on the floor.
- My grandma had left clothes in my room, so I'm worried she noticed the paraphernalia
I quietly walked out of my room and down the hallway, nervous to see my grandma. I peeked around the corner and saw her in the kitchen making snacks for the kids. I paused for a moment, scared to walk forward. I knew that I would have to face her eventually either way. I slowly walked over to the living room couch and sat down. I watched as the boys were on the floor playing with legos. They hadn't noticed me yet. I closed my eyes and thought about how I could explain myself. There was really no way I could get around it, I mean, there was obvious drug paraphernalia in the floor and I was passed out sitting up.
"Mommy!"
I looked up to see the boys running to me, smiling big with arms outstretched for a hug. I held them tight for a second before they lost interest and went back to their legos. I saw my grandma walk in with a tray of snacks. She sat them on the floor then looked at me with worry in her eyes.
"Are you okay? You were sleeping for a long time. I tried to wake you up, but you weren't responding to anything I did."
"Yeah, I... I just had a really bad migraine last night, and my stomach was hurting. I-I took some Benedryl to help me sleep it off. I didn't mean to worry you."
"Okay. I just worry about you. You seem like you've got a lot going on lately. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah Memaw, I'm fine... I promise," I said as I looked down. I wasn't fine. I knew that. She knew that. Within a short time frame, I went from a devoted mother to a drug addict. I hated myself for it.
"Okay, I'll take your word for it. Oh, I laid some clothes out in your room for you if you go to looking for anything you might need."
"Oh, uh, thank you!"
"You're welcome. I can tell you're stressed out, so I just tried to help. You know you can always talk to me. About anything. I may not understand, but I will always be here for you."
Fuck, she knows. She has to know. What do I say? I was screaming on the inside. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to escape... but there was still a part of me that wasn't ready to let it go.
"Thank you, Memaw. That means a lot to me. I think I'm going to take a shower real quick if that's okay."
"Of course!"
I walked back to my room and grabbed some clothes, then headed into the bathroom down the hall. I sat my clothes on the counter and looked in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize myself. I leaned closer and noticed the dark circles under my eyes, the scabs on my face where I've been picking, and how my face was starting to look sunken in. I turned away. I couldn't even look at myself anymore. How was I allowing myself to become this person?
As I undressed, I noticed all of the freckles on my arms. I started to pinch and pick at them. I knew they were just freckles, but something compelled me to pick at them. Every single one, until they bled.
"What the hell am I doing?" I thought to myself. I grabbed the tweezers from the medicine cabinet and started to use those too. "I've got to stop. I've got to get a shower," I thought. I tried to stop, but I just couldn't. I thought I would see something under my skin, and I started digging until I had tiny holes in my arms. I couldn't feel the pain. It was like my body belonged to someone else. No matter how hard I tried to pull my hands away, I couldn't stop.
"No, no, please" I whispered. "Please, I have got to stop". I closed my eyes and without a second thought, I threw the tweezers across the bathroom and jumped right into the shower. I turned the water on and started to wash my hair. I put all of my focus into what I needed to do in hopes that I wouldn't get distracted again. I washed my body with my eyes closed, trying to avoid looking at the fresh marks on my arms.
As I was ready to get out, I started picking my legs without any thought about it. It was like I was being forced. I started to get angry, I tried to pull my hands away, but I just couldn't do it. I started to cry as the water was turning cold. I was shivering, pleading with myself to stop, but I just couldn't.
After about ten minutes, I forced myself out of the shower. I looked up, to the side, or focused on something else to avoid looking at myself while I got dressed. This was a new kind of hell for me. I had not not been able to stop myself from doing something like that before, and it was scary.
After I finally got dressed, I quickly ran to my room to grab my old hoodie to cover up my arms. I didn't want my grandma or the kids to see, and most of all, I didn't want me to see.
The afternoon seemed to pass quickly. My grandma never brought up anything about what she might have seen in my bedroom, which was a huge relief. I was able to play with the kids for a while, which always brought back a sense of normalcy.
As their bedtime rolled around, I put them in bed and kissed them good night. I told my grandma that I was going to Michael's house to watch some movies and unwind. I feel like she knew better by now, but she was okay with the thought of me being there because she thought I would be safe.
I grabbed my bag, filled it up with a knife, drugs, my pipe, phone, and wallet and headed to Gio's house. I sent him a text earlier in the day asking if it was okay to come by but never got a response. I assumed he would be there anyway. Part of me wished he wouldn't so I could just go home unless I got a message from Ty, Matt, or Ethan.
I drove in silence to Gio's house. When I pulled up, there were lights on inside. For a moment, I thought I was at the wrong house. I knew he didn't have electricity, so what happened for him to suddenly have lights? Even the porch light was on.
I slowly walked up the stairs, still second-guessing myself. I knocked on the door and heard him yell something. I saw him peek out of the window, then I heard laughing.
"Hang on a minute! Don't come in!"
I stood there puzzled but waited anyway. A few moments later, Gio opened the door. His pants weren't even buttoned and he was shirtless.
"Did I come at a bad time?" I asked.
"Nah, you're good. Just wait in the living room for a minute."
I walked in and looked around the barren room, still confused as to how he had electricity.
"Okay, you can come in now!" he yelled from across the house.
I walked over to his bedroom to see Brittany sitting on the air mattress brushing her hair. Of course. Of course I had to come over when he was fucking this dope hoe. I rolled my eyes and sat my stuff down, trying to avoid looking at her and making myself angry all over again.
"What's up, girl? Get any sleep?"
"Uh, kind of. I was getting high and passed out on my bed, so yeah I guess I got some sleep."
"How long were you up?"
"I have no idea, dude. Maybe 3 days? Close to 4? No idea, but apparently I was tired as shit."
"Well at least you got some rest because I have a plan for tonight."
"What's that?"
"We're getting copper."
"Oh...okay, but why?"
"Because copper has the highest payback when you take it to a scrapyard. Easy drug money."
"Where the hell are you going to find copper this late at night?"
"I know places. I do this shit all the time. I got a few people heading over here and I'm going to need you to drop us off and pick us up. It's not too far from here, but I can't carry it all down the road by myself."
"Okay, whatever works."
I looked over at Brittany who was staring at me. She squinted her eyes and had a look of disgust on her face. No clue why she hated me from the get-go. I wasn't after her man if that's what she thought.
"Oh, so... how do you have electricity?"
"Troy gave me a purple Entergy tag."
"A what?"
"If you have a purple tag on your meter, it means you pay for it. They can't do shit if it's on there. It's like a master tag or something. He knows people so he has a bunch of them. Just flip the switch, hang the tag and you're golden."
"So you are stealing electricity? Won't they find out?"
"He's been doing it for years, so I guess not."
"Well damn, alright then!"
"How long you been doing this shit because I haven't seen you before," Brittany said as she got up and walked towards me.
"What shit?"
"Dope, dumbass."
"Maybe a month? Month and a half?"
She let out a loud laugh, "Oh shit, so you new new. Okay, okay."
"I guess so. Why does it matter?"
"It don't, but I know a lot of people and I thought you might be the police or something."
"Do I look like a fucking cop to you?"
"You look like a bitch is what you look like."
I felt my face get red. I walked out of the room before I said anything. I wasn't going to start something in Gio's house with a girl I just met.
"Hey that wasn't cool, she's good people," Gio said.
"I don't like her."
"I don't give a fuck who you like, you'll show respect in my house."
Gio came out and looked at me and shrugged. "She's just salty because we just started when you got here."
"I didn't need to know that, but I'm glad I could ruin her good time."
"I'm kind of glad you did too."
We laughed a bit and walked back to his room. Brittany was nowhere to be seen, so I took a seat on the floor next to the bedroom door.
As I sat there looking at my phone, scrolling through Facebook, there was a loud knock at the door. Gio got up to check, and a tall white guy with a shaved head came in, followed by a larger black guy who had to at least be six feet tall.
"Em, this is Tyler and Andre. You'll be taking us three out copper hunting."
"Sounds good, nice to meet ya'll"
They nodded and stood next to me. Gio sat down and they started going over a game plan. Brittany walked in and noticed the two guys. She immediately took off her shirt and went to grab another, very tight and revealing shirt to put on. I assumed it was to get their attention, but neither man noticed her so she sat back down on the bed and pouted.
"Okay," said Gio. "So you will drop us off on Oak street, and come pick us back up at 9th an hour later. That gives us time to hit three places that I know of."
"I have an idea that might help," I chimed in.
They all looked interested, to my surprise. "So what if I take you to 9th, then pick you up at Oak. 9th is close to downtown and by some local bars, so dropping you off there empty-handed will look normal, and Oak is a pretty deserted road, so if I pick you up there, there's no one to question why ya'll are carrying all this copper."
"That's a good idea," said Andre.
"Yeah, that actually works better," Gio said as he nodded.
"Look here, bitch, you are a WOMAN and YOU need to know a WOMANS place! Shut your ass up, you don't know shit. Know your fucking place, cause it ain't here."
I looked over at Brittany, who was standing with her arms crossed, slowly walking my direction. I stood up fast and grabbed the knife from my boot. I was done with her shit and I was about to end it. Tyler stood up and got in between us, Gio started yelling at her, and Andre was sitting there with a "what the fuck" look on his face.
I was ready to stab her in the neck, but instead, I stormed off outside on the front porch to light a cigarette. I slammed the door behind me. I was shaking with rage. Who the fuck was she to tell me to know a woman's place? My ideas were just as valid as theirs. My ideas were better! I put my knife back and grabbed a cigarette from the pack in my back pocket. As I was taking a drag, Gio came outside.
"Em, I'm sorry, I don't know what her problem is. That was uncalled for, but it won't happen again or she's gone."
"What the fuck does she mean 'know a woman's place' like what the fuck kind of shit was that!"
"I mean, the dope game is pretty male-dominated and most of the women are dope hoes. I guess she's not used to seeing another female trying to take the lead. Still, that wasn't okay and I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for her actions. Thank you, but it better not happen again. I swear I will cut her just like I did Trevor."
"She doesn't know that you're not the one to take shit, but she will learn. Come back in, Tyler has some dope he's sharing before we go out."
"Alright, but I don't want to hear another word from her. Not towards me anyways."
"It won't happen. I got you."
I followed Gio inside to see Tyler making lines on an old CD case.
"You smoke, bump, or what?"
"Me? I mean I'll do whatever but I'm not shooting up anything."
"That's cool, you want a line of kibble 'n bits?"
"Um.. of what?"
"I don't make it into a fine powder, that's some pussy shit, it's just kind of chunky so I call it kibble 'n bits."
"I mean, I'll take whatever you offer me."
"Hell yeah, my kind of girl!"
"I'll take it too!" Brittany said from across the room.
"I know you will," he said very unamusedly. I laughed a bit because I knew she couldn't handle that kind of rejection from attention. "Well, you first since you came up with the master plan!"
He handed me a straw and sat the CD case on the dresser. I bent over the biggest line there was and snorted it in an instant. My nose burned, but I felt almost an instant high like I haven't felt in weeks. I could taste the chemicals dripping down my throat. It made me realize how much I enjoyed snorting over smoking.
He did a line, then handed what was left over to Brittany. He, Tyler and Gio started getting ready. They put on gloves, hats, overalls, and each grabbed a huge duffle bag.
"You ready?" Gio asked me.
"Ready when you are."
We all headed outside and got in the car when I realized that Brittany was following. I glanced over at Gio who didn't seem to notice. I didn't say anything because I didn't feel like arguing again. Everyone got in and I headed off into town.
"Pick us up in an hour. Park next to the only red mailbox on the street. We'll be waiting in the woods but we'll come out when we see you."
The three men shuffled out of the car, leaving Brittany in the back. As I started to drive away she got up and made her way to the front seat, climbing over the other seats. I tried to ignore her the best I could and just acted like I didn't notice.
"I need you to take me somewhere," she said.
"I'm not going too far because I don't want to not be back in time. I'm going to Walmart and I'm waiting in the parking lot."
"Look, you take me here and I'll give you some dope, okay?"
I took a deep sigh and thought for a second. What could it hurt?
"Fine. Where are you wanting to go?"
"Broken Bow Street apartments."
I was familiar with the place. I used to date a guy who lived there, but why she would want to go was a mystery to me. There were only 3 apartments there.
"Whatever. I'll take you."
I drove down the road a ways and got to her destination. As I pulled up to the apartments, it was nothing like I remembered. There were eleven cars out front. The stairs going to the top apartment were filled with people. There was a huge plywood sign out front that said "NO VISITORS AFTER 3 AM" written in black spray paint. I found a place to park against the fence and turned the car off.
"I'll wait here, but I'm locking the doors."
"No you fucking aren't. You are coming in with me."
"The fuck I am! This is my car and I am staying in it."
"I said that you are coming in with me," she said again as she pulled a small gun out of the back of her pants.
I looked at her with a desire to rip her head off right then and there. I reluctantly got out, grabbed my keys, and locked the car. I followed behind her. Maybe she wanted protection because this place seemed sketchy as fuck. We walked up the stairs, passing people who were passed out, people smoking pot, smoking meth, and people tripping out on the bricks on the wall.
We came to the door where a tall, bald-headed man opened it and asked our names. She told him that I was with her and let us come in. We walked into a dimly lit living room. There was an old mattress up against the wall and one table full of dope, pipes, syringes, pills, weed, and other things I couldn't make out. As I followed her through the crowd of people, I saw someone shooting up and a few people passed out on the floor, but mostly everyone was in small groups talking like some sort of tweaker night club.
I followed her down a hallway when she came to a stop and turned around to look at me.
"You are going to stand over there in the corner and face the wall until I'm done, do you understand?"
"Who the fuck do you think I am? I'm not a dog!"
"I said stand in the god damn corner or I will shoot you right here and now, I am not playing with you!"
Without skipping a beat, I walked a few steps over to the corner and faced the wall. My anger was turning into sadness. How did I let myself end up here? I felt tears coming on, but I'd be damned if I started to cry in a trap house. I shut my eyes as tight as I could and took deep breaths.
Brittany disappeared into a room next to me. I wanted to turn around to at least try and look normal, but I just couldn't do it. As hard as I tried, I felt the tears run down my face. I didn't really feel sad. I knew I was, but my emotions were suppressed by the drugs. Had I been sober, I know I'd be a wreck right now.
After a minute, she came back out. "Come in here," she demanded.
I walked into the room, looking as far down as I could so she couldn't see me crying. She told me to sit on the edge of the bed and face the wall. I heard the voice of a man for a second, then silence. After a few minutes, I heard her thank him, then she grabbed me by my shirt and led me out.
As we walked through the living room and back down the steps, I was praying no one looked at me. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I had to pull myself together. I had to.
"Thank you for taking me," she said in a quiet and kind voice. "I really appreciate it".
She didn't sound like herself. It was strange. I just nodded and backed out of the driveway and drove across the street to Walmart. As I was driving, I felt my chest heave, like I had been crying really hard for a while. The tears started to come faster. I couldn't hold it back any longer. Within a minute I was full-on sobbing and I didn't understand why. I couldn't feel any emotion, but my body knew. I parked under a street light and looked away from her as I continued to cry.
"It's a lot isn't it?" she asked quietly.
I didn't know what to say. I just nodded, still looking away.
"The game will chew you up and spit you out. If you want to do this, you're going to have to be tough. Don't let anyone see you cry, okay?"
"Yeah, " I whispered.
"I know you got kids. Gio told me. I have a son too. I just lost custody of him yesterday. I'll never get him back because I couldn't get my shit together. It's just easier to run away."
"I'm so sorry to hear that."
"It's my fault. I could have changed, but I didn't. I wanted to. I want to. But the drugs just won't let go. Save yourself while you can. Be there for your babies. Oh, I grabbed a few tissues for you. Here."
"Thanks," I said as I grabbed them and tried to clean up my face.
"I'm sorry I was such a bitch. I'm going through a lot right now. Honestly, I'm just jealous because you can still go home and see your kids."
"I want to go home. I want to go home so bad. I want to see them."
"We've got some stuff to finish first. Then go home. Please. Go home."
To be continued...
That ends part two of know your place. This was a really tough chapter to write. It was a really bad experience and to put myself in that headspace again actually made me cry, not going to lie.
I learned later on that she had someone give her a bump, which is why her attitude changed the way it did.
I will never forget that place though. The people. The way it looked. I can still see it all so clearly. Being put into a corner like I was a dog was probably the most humiliating thing that happened in the dope game.
I ended up being so overwhelmed that I sobbed for almost a half-hour. Full-on ugly crying, uncontrollably.
The next chapter will pick up where I left off. There is a lot that happened in the next 24 hours, but that will have to wait until next week.
I'm so sorry it took me so long to finish part two, but thank you all for your patience!