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🔴TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE🔴
It was just past 3:00 in the afternoon when Matt asked me if I had any money. I'd been in my room most of the day trying to sleep. I felt guilty for not spending time with my kids. I wanted to leave right then and go on my way and have a great time, but I equally wanted to go into the living room and just spend time with my kids.
I picked up my phone and replied, "I've got to wait until my kids are in bed. I can't leave now."
I felt guilt and shame wash over me. I felt like I had to go, but I know I needed to stay. I sat the phone on my bed and walked into the living room. Aiden and Gavin were on the floor watching Spongebob and eating Doritos. I let them enjoy their show and watched from across the room.
I sat on the couch and looked at them. The perfect, beautiful, little boys I brought into this world. They were my whole life, and although I was still struggling to understand what it really meant to be a mother, they were always my number one priority. I'd still go hang out with friends and party, but I would never leave unless I knew they were safe, fed, clean and happy.
Gavin finally turned around noticed me and ran into my arms. Aiden, though a little distracted by Spongebob's adventures, came over too. They gave me a big hug and cuddled up next to me.
This felt like home. This was my heaven on earth. We sat there for half an hour before they decided they needed more snacks. The boys jumped down and headed into the kitchen. As I got up to follow, I heard my phone ringing in my bedroom. Fear and panic ran through me. The boys looked like they were occupied, so I ran to my room to see what was going on.
I picked up my phone to 4 missed calls and a slew of messages.
"I need it ASAP."
"He's going to be gone soon."
"If you don't answer, I won't be able to get any more."
"I need you to do this now. I'm at Michael's house. Tell me when you're on your way."
I just met this guy. Who was he to talk to me this way? I didn't owe him anything. He had no say over what I did with my money. I felt angry, but I also felt the pull of fear. Fear of missing out on another night like last night. Anxiety was settling in. It felt like someone had wrapped a rope around my chest.
I have always been the kind of person to help people. To break my back so someone else can have it easier. I would always lend my time to other people. It was what I felt was right. I felt obligated to do it, but this was different. I felt like something bad may happen if I didn't go. It was pure dread.
The screen lit up again. A new message.
"You coming?"
Never had I felt such a split feeling over something so small. So he needed some money. Why was I reacting this way?Â
My hands trembled as I picked up the phone. My heart sank as I typed out the message, "Hey man, I'm sorry, I fell asleep. I'm on my way now."
It was like I just signed an agreement in stone. I had to go. I had no choice.
I walked to my grandma who was sitting in her recliner with Aiden. "Memaw, I've got to go back to Michael's house. He needs some help moving stuff around. I'll be back tonight, but if I'm too tired, I'll just stay over again."
"Oh, well, okay. You be safe. Call me if you need anything."
I hugged Aiden and Gavin goodbye. They ran to the window to wave me off as they always did. As I pulled out of the driveway, the guilt was fading away, and excitement was taking over.
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The thrill of it all was unexplainable. I still had no idea what I was doing, but it was great. I loved it. I didn't mind spending all of my money on it. I had a job anyways and got paid next week. What're a few bucks on a good time going to hurt?
I pulled up to the old brick building and ran up the stairs, flinging Michael's door open. As soon as I walked in, I noticed the coffee maker going yet again. Michael didn't look like he's had any rest. His hair was a mess, his shirt was stained and wrinkled and he had just one sock on.
"Looks like you've had a great time!" I said as I walked through the kitchen.
He mumbled something incoherent and went back to the bubbling pot of coffee.
"Hey," said Matt, "you got the money? He's still in pocket so we need to go now."
"Yeah, where are we going?"
"Don't worry about it, it's just down the road."
We left Michael mumbling nonsense in his kitchen and headed downstairs. Matt jumped in my old Buick Rendezvous and we drove down the road. A few turns later and we were down a poor looking part of town I've never seen before. Houses were boarded up, and broken cars and furniture littered the lawns of the houses we passed.
"Here. Pull up next to that car. Don't get out, I'll be right back."
I parked in a long dirt driveway. It was a small, white wooden house with several other cars parked around me. He ran inside without knocking and slammed the door behind him. It was starting to get dark. I was nervous just sitting here, not knowing where I was. I stared off into the distance, but then I saw headlights come up right behind me. I looked down and tried to be unseen.
There was a knock at my window. I looked up to see a young man. He had white bandannas on his head and neck. I rolled my window down.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"Oh, I'm just waiting on someone, I'm sorry. Do I need to move?"
"Oh, nah you're good. Who are you waiting on?"
"Matt" I said. "He asked me to bring him here, I'm not sure why though."
"Matt!" shouted a woman who appeared behind the guy who was talking to me. "Why the fuck is he here! He knows he's not supposed to be around here!"
I looked at the guy in my window. "I'm sorry man, I'm just the driver."
"You're good, you're good," he said, then they both ran into the house. I rolled up my window and stared at the door. I didn't know if I should expect gunshots or screaming. Would he even come back out?
I waited for what felt like an eternity and he finally came skipping out with a grin on his face.
"Everything okay?" I asked as he got back in.
"Yeah," he said puzzled. "Why what happened?"
"Some people were pissed off that you were here."
"Who?"
"I don't know, they didn't say their names. Some guy who looked like a wigger and a tiny girl with red hair."
"Oh, fuck. Hurry up and go. That's my ex and her boyfriend. They don't like me too much," he said with a laugh.
"I can tell!" I said, backing up as quickly as I could.
We drove down the streets, dimly lit by the streetlights. He pulled out a small bag with spades on it, just like the one he had before. I glanced over and saw what looked like a bunch of crystals.
"This is some fire dope. It's better than what you had before."
"Dope?" I thought. Dope could be anything. Crack? Was I smoking crack? No, there's no way. That makes people crazy. What else could it be?
We drove back to Michael's house and went back upstairs. He had cleaned himself up a bit and was staring intently at his phone.
"What the fuck, Toast?" he said angrily. "Did you spend the rest of your money on that shit?"
"Well, yeah," I said with a smile. "Why not?"
"Why waste your money on that shit?"
"Because it's mine and I can do what the fuck I want with it!" I snapped.
Matt and I went into the bedroom, leaving Michael to be pissed off alone. He pulled out his pipe and slid the crystals down the tube until they clanked into the bottom. I watched intently as he got his lighter and melted it down into a liquid, rolling it into the end of the glass. Smoke was circling the inside.
"Never take the first hit when you add more. It's bad. Like, real bad," he said as he watched it intently. He took his lighter down and blew the smoke out of the pipe. He held it up and I watched as it turned into a beautiful pattern. It slowly hardened up into what looked like a snowflake pattern.
"You bought it, so you get the first hit. Let me help you, I don't know if you're ready to do it on your own yet."
I nodded in agreement. He guided me into taking a huge hit I could barely keep in my lungs. I could feel it this time. I felt lighter. I felt excitement. I felt pure ecstasy. I looked up at Matt, who was smiling at me.
"You feel it?" he asked.
"Yeah! I can definitely feel it this time." I felt incredible. The feeling of bliss was truly indescribable. We went back and forth taking hits until it was gone.
"You like A Day to Remember?"
"Yes, dude, they are my favorite band!"
"Seriously? Mine too!" He pulled out his phone and started playing The Plot to Bomb the Panhandle.
We sat there for hours listening to music, talking about our favorite bands and singing songs. Michael finally walked in to see me playing air guitar.
"What are ya'll doing?" he asked.
"Having a good fucking time! Where have you been??" I yelled.
"I don't even know, Toast," he said as he stared off into the distance. I felt like he really meant that. Although he had been in the living room the whole time, the look on his face was pure confusion. "You have any more?"
"Yeah, man. You have another straw? I'll make some lines," said Matt, getting the bag out of his pocket.
"Hang on." Michael left the room, and came back in with 3 short straws.
"Man, I need something to crush this with. You got anything?" he asked me.
"Um, I have my school ID. Will that work?"
"Perfect."
I handed him my card and watched him make up six lines on the dresser. I just signed up for college a week ago and had my ID made. I was supposed to start next week for Photography. I didn't feel that I was smart enough for something like business management or nursing school, but I could take pictures. It seemed like an easy way to make something of myself.
Matt finished up the lines and handed my card back to me. "Here, lick it."
"What?" I asked, extremely confused.
"Yeah, lick it. It's got dope on it. Don't waste it."
I looked at my now scratched up card. The words "Community College" were now covered in white dust. I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow as he laughed. I felt awkward, but I licked the card. It tasted terrible. It reminded me of the smell of nail polish remover and lighter fluid.
"Oh my god, that's fucking awful!"
"Well yeah, it's meth." said Matt as he went down to do a line.
I stood there in complete shock. Meth. I have been doing meth. I spent my money on meth. I have been smoking meth. My knees felt weak. My chest started to hurt. I felt like I should feel bad. I felt like I should feel guilty, but I also felt nothing.
"Holy shit" I whispered to myself. "Oh my god, what have I done?" Was there any coming back from this? I mean, I could totally quit. I could leave right now. I could go home because I know where this takes me. I know what this does to people. It was literal fucking crystals. How did I not know? How was I so stupid? I stared at the ground as the music blared in the background. The words becoming as blurred as my thoughts.
"Here, these 3 are yours," Michael said as he handed me a straw.
I looked at the lines on the dresser, then the straw in my hand. I started to feel sick. My heart was telling me to go home and to never come back. It was like having the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. What do I do? "There's no turning back now," I whispered.
I bent down over the dresser and in a matter of seconds, the lines were gone. I looked up into the mirror in front of me. My nose was red. My eyes were black. I was screaming inside, "What have I done!" but I silenced the thought quickly.
I looked at Matt and Michael. They had already started another bowl. I could leave right now. I had my keys in my pocket. My phone in my car. I could run away. I could go, but instead, I went to sit down beside them and join in.
Tonight, I killed myself.
I knew I would never be the same, and sadly, I was okay with that.
To be continued...
In this story, I left out a week after I first used. I went to work and stayed home with my kids, so there wasn't much to write. I did go back to Michael's house to smoke a few more times, but nothing worth writing about happened. After the first night, I went home and couldn't sleep until almost 2 days later. The messages Matt sent me were about 5 or 6 days after the first time I used, and the scenario following is true to life after that.
This is where it all started. Michael lived in a small one bedroom apartment in an old abandoned liquor store. I have to pass it every day. I have for years, as it's going right into downtown. It used to bring back the worst memories when I'd see it. All I would see is everything bad that happened here. After 4 years, I've been able to let go of the negativity surrounding this, but I will never forget everything that took place here.
And yes, even though I noticed that he had crystals, I was still oblivious to what it was, because I had never seen it before.
I've said it before, and I will say it again, please, please, please educate your children on what drugs are and what they look like, and how you can use them. Had I known, maybe I never would have started. I don't blame anyone for my lack of knowledge on it, but I will prevent my kids from ending up where I did. I mean, schools will spend 12 years telling you to not smoke pot, but they never tell you (or they never told me) to avoid pills, meth, heroin, crack or anything else that's considered a hard drug. Please, educate your children. It may be a hard or awkward situation, but you can avoid so much in spending 15 to 20 minutes with them when the time is right.