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As the new year comes around, I'm always reminded of how I spent my new year's eve night going into 2015. I'm writing this while sitting in the same spot where most of it took place. It's always a sad reminder of where I was, and I wanted to share a short story with you all. I will touch base on it again when I get to this point in my story, but we will just call this a fast forward moment for now.
🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - EXPLICIT DRUG USE 🔴
I was sitting on my bed in the nearly empty room I used to call my own. I set up a desk lamp on my bedside table, making sure the light was as bright as it could be. I pulled a syringe out of my purse, filled up to the 45cc mark with liquified meth. I had carefully tucked it away. Troy filled it for me earlier and sent me home, so he could spend a quiet new years with his wife.
I took off the bright orange cap from the needle and set it aside. I looked at it carefully. It was a little barbed since I had been using it over and over for the past few days, but I was sure I could get it to work. I looked over at the clock. It was 11:55 on New Years Eve. I was determined to go into the new year high, no matter what. I laid the syringe down and held my arm under the light. I couldn't see my veins, but there was the obvious spot on my arm where Troy always shot me up. Surely it couldn't be that hard to hit.
I took a deep breath and picked up the needle. I steadied my hand and angled it down like I saw Troy do. I never did this myself before, but he made it look so easy. I felt a sting as I pierced the skin. I wasn't sure how far to go, so I went ahead and pulled the plunger back, but got nothing. I slowly adjusted it some more and pushed in a little further. I pulled it back and saw a flash of blood. I pulled it back a little more to make sure it was in, but it stopped.
"Goddamnit," I mumbled.
I readjusted the syringe and my arm several more times, but I couldn't get it back to where it was when I got a flash. I looked over at the clock. It was 12:03, New Years Day. I got overwhelmed with anger and frustration. I knew if I didn't shoot it soon, I wouldn't be able to use it and I wasn't going to waste the dope I just bought.
I pulled the needle out and capped it back. I grabbed my phone and text Troy.
"I can't fucking do it! I tried and I got a flash, but then I couldn't get it again."
He answered quickly to my surprise.
"Is there blood in the point?"
"Yeah, a little," I replied.
"Bring it over here quick and I can do it for you."
Troy just lived less than ten minutes away now that I knew the back roads to his house. I grabbed my bag, put the syringe between my teeth and ran out to the car.
I flew down the roads, still holding it in my mouth like a dog with a bone, scared to mess it up even more. I was shaking in anger the entire drive. I was angry at myself. I shoot up, but I can't even shoot myself up. How sad is that?
I drove up his road, flashing my hand at the cameras as I drove by so they would know it was me hauling ass down their driveway. I got out of the car, slammed the door shut, and ran inside. The dogs ran up to me, but I couldn't stop to pet them now.
The bedroom door was open, so I walked in with the syringe now in my hands. Troy looked over at me disapprovingly. Danielle was laying next to him on her phone.
"Alright, get up here and sit down."
I hopped up on the tall bed and sat in my usual spot right next to Troy. I held my arm out and pulled up the sleeve of my jacket as he uncapped the point.
"No wonder you can't bump it, this needle is shit. I can get it to work though. Give me your arm."
I laid my arm in his lap and he bent over and stuck the needle in swiftly. I watched as he pulled the plunger back and the blood started to fill it up. He pushed it all in and I watched as it all seemed to magically disappear. As he pulled the needle back out, I was met with a rush while I was trying to hold my arm up to stop the bleeding. I coughed a bit and enjoyed my disoriented state while he threw my syringe away and grabbed me a new one.
I felt the heat and the cold run through my body. I felt the euphoric wave of the drugs in my veins. The feeling of floating above myself. As soon as I knew I could speak again, I looked over at Troy who seemed like a tired and disappointed dad.
"Thank you for doing that for me. I'm sorry for bothering ya'll on New Years."
"It's fine sweetie, we weren't doing anything anyway," Danielle said, not looking up from her phone.
"It's no problem Em, but if you're going to be in the game like this, you're going to have to learn how. I won't be able to do this for you forever."
The thought of not having Troy to help me and not being able to shoot up myself was terrifying. I knew I'd have to get clean if it came to that, and I wasn't ready.
"Yeah... I know. I'll let ya'll have your night together. I'll be back tomorrow. Happy new year, guys."
"Happy New Year, Emily."
I walked out of the house and drove back home to stay up all night and research how to shoot myself up. The fear of being without help was overwhelming. I didn't know what I'd do...
That's my new year's story. It's not a happy one, but I will never forget how I frantically drove over there just so I could get my high. How dangerously fast I was driving and all the lives I could have put at stake. How angry and upset I was. Most of all, how scared I was to not have someone help me use my drug of choice.
As I said, I will go back over this again once I reach that point in the story, but there's still so much that happened before this did.
I hope you all have a wonderful New Year and thank you all for your support. You will never know how much it means to me.