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Hey everyone,
As I was writing the next chapter, I started having flashbacks. The urge to use was high. Higher than it had been in years.
My mind started racing, my chest started to hurt. I just want to crawl in a hole.
I thought I would write about what I'm going through right now. Maybe to help me, but to also show you all that recovery is a DAILY choice. Once your clean, it doesn't just go away. The thoughts, the urges. The memories, especially the good ones.
What I used to do was get onto Tumblr and search the tag "Tweeker nation". Looks like they have taken it down, but it's not hard to find what you're looking for. If you're curious, I suggest you go to Tumblr and search the tags "slamming meth", "Spun", "Shooting meth" and you will see so many people, young and old, who are proud of their addiction. It's so sad, but it was therapy for me. To see others using. Like I was using through them...
Crazy, right? Why would I want to see that? It just floods my mind with more memories. Memories of staying up for days, having fun, being reckless. No cares. No bills to pay. No kids to watch. Just drugs and money. Taking shot after shot. Seeing other people live the life I lived was/is a weird therapy for me. I have learned to ride the wave instead of fight it.
I mean, why not? I cut ties with all of my dealers years ago. I couldn't find anyone to give me dope, could I?
But I can. And it's so scarily easy. There is post after post of people posting their area codes & zip codes of users close to them so they can get together and get high. I just saw it. It made my heart sink. Is it that easy? Just message a stranger and go get high?
But of course, I'm not in the business of doing that. No matter how much I want it right now. So I watch video after video of people taking needles to their arms. Watching intently while it all disappears into their veins. Watching their rush. The feeling I miss so damn much.
Right now, all I can think about is using. It's crippling almost. I can't focus my thoughts on anything else. In the beginning, I lived every single day like this. When I was first getting clean, I went back to Ritalin for a short time. Anything to feel some sort of high again. The comedown was terrible... but times like these, I consider it to be honest. It sucks to say, but I am being as transparent as possible.
I think I will always vividly remember the high. I'd do anything to forget about it. Just knowing what it feels like makes it so much harder. I have full confidence in myself that I will never relapse, but God I miss the feeling. The rush...
Another thing I miss is feeling like someone. I was a bad ass. I took no shit from anyone and I did some bad things. It made me feel invincible. Incredible. Untouchable. Now, who am I? I work and raise my kids. I feel like a nobody and that in itself kills me. To my kids, I know I am everything and that is what keeps me going. Without them, I would have most certainly relapsed by now.
After 5 years, I still feel like this. Will it ever end?
Please understand that when you see an addict in recovery, every day is a conscious choice to stay clean and it is hard. Yes, the life I lived was bad but to be completely honest, there were more good times than bad. So many "fun" times. Staying up all night talking, listening to music or drawing. Partying. Going from house to house just to meet different people to get high with. From a sober perspective, none of it would be fun now, but being high, it was amazing.
I miss it. I miss everything. The high I got from meth can never be given to me without a drug.
If someone offered it to me right now, like, if I were somehow in a position to be offered meth. Pipe or syringe, I don't know if I could say no and that kills me. I won't go looking for it, but if it found its way to me? It's a scary thought...
5 years would go down the drain. I would lose everything I had worked so hard for. I pray I never find myself in such a position, but I hate that I don't know if I could say no.
These are the thoughts I deal with when things start to go wrong. Well, when I get so stressed out to the point that I can't take it anymore because of life or work, my mind goes straight to using. It's hard to shake these thoughts. I don't know if they will ever go away...
I know this was all over the place, but I needed to write this for you all while I was spiraling down into these thoughts. Get them all down in writing so you can understand what addicts deal with even after years of clean time.
It's hard. Writing this blog is hard to do sometimes. I don't want to give up though. I will keep pushing, no matter what it takes. If I can't always fulfil my promises of having a post up by a certain time, please understand that here lately these thoughts have been coming more frequently. I am doing my best to get through all of this.