TRAPPED

🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴

Chapter 7

TRAPPED

It was Monday morning. The sun was rising. The soft light was coming through my bedroom curtains, spilling onto the floor. Today was the day I started school. I was going to the community college for Photography. My family didn't think of it as something worth going to, but I thought it was something I could do with my life that wasn't being stuck behind a desk and working for someone else. I had always longed to work for myself and have a business of my own.

I had just gotten home a few hours ago. I was able to sneak in without anyone knowing I was out all night. I had changed into my pajamas and ruffled up my hair to look as if I'd been sleeping. I couldn't let my grandparents know what I did or how long I was gone. 

The little bag Ethan gave me sat on my vanity, looking unassuming in between stacks of eye shadow pallets and lipstick. I sat on the edge of my bed looking at it. It was intimidating. I have never used by myself before and I didn't know how it would feel to be high alone. I grabbed the bag and put it in my wallet.

I walked out of my room and down the hallway. My grandma was already in the living room with the kids, getting ready to make them breakfast.

"Mommy!" The boys yelled in excitement. They ran and hugged me and gave me good morning kisses.

"So today is the big day?" My grandma asked.

"Yeah, kind of nervous!" I replied.

"Hope you got enough rest last night," She said as she walked into the kitchen. Did she know that I was out all night? I was praying she didn't. She would be so disappointed, and to disappoint her would crush me. 

She had taken care of me for the past 10 years. I never wanted her to see that I did wrong. I had smoked cigarettes since I was 12 and never once have I mentioned it to her or have done it in her presence. I hid everything bad from her hoping she would never know.

"Alright guys, mommy has to go get ready for school," I said to Aiden and Gavin as they watched Spongebob.

"School?" Aiden said confused.

"Yes baby, mommy goes to big people school!"

"Oh, school." He said and went back to watching TV. Aiden had speech delays and couldn't quite talk in complete sentences yet, but I was sure if he could, I would be answering 50 questions right about now.

I walked back into the bedroom and threw on my nice clothes.

"Would it be appropriate to wear my mohawk up at school?" I thought to myself as I grabbed a fistful of purple hair and held it up. "Eh, maybe not."

I grabbed my black wig and threw it on. Today was the day that I was going to change. I had to do this for my kids. I grabbed my notebooks, purse, and phone and headed out.

The boys waved out of the window as I backed out of the driveway. There was still an hour before class started, but I wanted to get there early. I rolled the windows down and put in a mix CD I made of The Used and A Day to Remember. 

No matter how hard I focused on the music, I couldn't stop thinking about the meth I had in my wallet. I  was still high. I didn't need to smoke more, but I really wanted to. 

I drove into town and parked in a McDonald's parking lot, feeling torn. Was I really trying to decide between getting high and actually doing something with my life? "This is pathetic," I said out loud as I laid my head on my steering wheel.

My phone started to ring. I looked over at it laying in the passenger seat. It was Matt. I knew if I answered it would seal the deal. If I let it ring, I may be free. No one is forcing me to answer the call, but I started getting anxiety over it. What if I miss out on getting high? 

I was overcome by panic. I answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Dude, come get me. Please."

I sighed and felt my heart sink. "Yeah, sure. Where are you at?"

"Just come get me where you left me last night. You know how to get here?"

"Yeah, I'll figure it out."

"Bet. See you soon."

He hung up the phone and I stared into the sky through the windshield.

"God, why are you doing this to me?" I whispered. I started to cry but wiped away my tears as quickly as they came. 

I backed up and left the parking lot. He was right down the road from where I was. My mind and my body felt like two separate beings. My mind was telling me to just go home or go to school. I had no obligation to go get him. I had every chance to leave. My body, dehydrated, hungry, tired and weak, felt like it was controlling every movement against my will. I was picking him up, whether I wanted to or not.

I pulled down the road he took me to last night. It was already so lively with older people walking their dogs, or out on their balconies sipping coffee. It looked so beautiful out here. It still amazed me that drugs could make it to this part of town.

Matt was walking down the road, looking very out of place in his ripped polo, dirty jeans and sunglasses. I pulled up next to him and let him in.

"Hey, hey! How was last night?"

"It was fucking shit, dude. I thought I was going to die!"

"Whoa, what happened?" He asked. I explained last night as we drove out of the neighborhood and into town.

"Damn, that's fucked up. I'm sorry. Did he hook you up though?"

"Yeah, shit I'm still high," I said laughing.

"He got some fire shit. You still have any?"

"Yeah, I... I don't know how to do it by myself though." I felt small and ashamed. Not knowing how to do the drug I was using was humiliating.

"Oh fuck, that's my bad. I'll show you how on your own. You down to smoke right now?"

"I guess. I'm supposed to be starting school today."

Matt looked at me like I was crazy, and started laughing. "School? Tweakers don't go to school."

I felt more ashamed than before. Tears started falling down my cheek but I was too scared to wipe them away. I didn't want him to see.

"Oh you were for real. What are you going for?"

"Photography. I love to take pictures. I know, it's stupid."

"No, that's cool. Following your dreams. I like it. Uh, do you want to go?"

We were sitting at a stop light now. My hands and head felt heavy. Still, I had one more chance to go to school. I could leave the drugs with him and leave. Never look back.

"No. I'll be late anyway. It's fine." I felt like the last bit of hope I had left was gone. I completely let go of my goals, my "normal" life. I was free falling into a dark and scary place, but part of me wanted to do it. I wanted to see what this life was like.

"Damn, alright. You know where Red Oak park is? It's just down from Michael's house."

"Yeah, why?"

"Because that's where we're going."

We drove through downtown. I glanced at all the people on the sidewalks. The early morning runners. The homeless. The hippies. The old guy who played guitar all the time and couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. It was like watching people living in a whole different world. They were living their lives without having to worry about getting high.

After driving through what seemed like an endless stretch of trees, we reached the park. It was completely empty. Although, it was a little after 8:00 on a Monday morning, can't expect much more than that.

We got out and walked into the park. The dew on the grass and leaves glistened in the sun. We walked across a bridge and up to what looked like a makeshift tree house. We climbed up the ladders until we got the top. Overlooking the woods before us was peaceful, but the feeling was fleeting.

Matt pulled out the pipe from his pocket, and I pulled the little bag out of my wallet and handed it over to him. He prepared everything while I looked out into the distance. Birds were circling in the sky nearby. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, and out. My world was changing. It was out of my hands. It was equally terrifying as it was exciting.

"You ready? I'm going to help you this time, I'll show you how later," Matt said as he leaned closer to help me out.

I nodded and took the smoke into my lungs. We sat there for an hour passing it between both of us. The more I smoked, the more energetic I got. My thoughts were racing and my hands couldn't stop moving but I felt nothing but happiness.

When I was high, I felt nothing but incredible feelings. I felt strong, happy, and invincible. It was like a whole new person took over. The shy, nerdy goth girl that everyone knew was pushed aside, and a new woman took her place. The more I used, the more I liked who I was. When I wasn't high, I felt nothing but shame and regret. I was getting addicted to the person it made me become.

We finished up what we had and climbed down from the spot we were in. We were walking across a bridge when we saw a family and kids across the park, headed to where we just left. For a moment, I felt guilty for using in such a place, then paranoia set in. Did they see us?

Matt noticed them too, so we ran to my car and left as quickly as we could.

"Go to Michael's house," said Matt.

"Does he know we're coming?"

"Probably not, but who cares?"

"Yeah, I bust in his house all the time, so he probably won't care," I said.

We drove through downtown again. More people were out now. As I passed them, I was worried they were looking at us. Like they knew what we did. Maybe someone would get my license plate numbers and call the cops. Although my windows were tinted and no one could see us any more than anyone else driving, the paranoia was overwhelming. 

We finally ended up at Michael's apartment where I finally felt a little safer. We stormed up the steps and flung open the door.

"Good Morning Sunshine!" I yelled at a startled Michael. He was wrapped up in his blanket, shirtless and his hair a mess.

"What the hell Toast, can't you knock?"

"Never!" I said with a smile as I jumped on the bed with him. I bounced up and down on the mattress like an excited child on Christmas. "Whatcha doin'?!"

"Still waking up. Jesus Christ, are you high?"

"Are you not high?" I retorted.

"If I were high, I wouldn't have been asleep." Michael looked at Matt who was sitting on his couch. "Did you do this to her?"

Matt looked at Michael "She can do whatever she wants dude. She did it to herself. She had the dope to begin with."

"How the fuck did you get dope?" Michael asked.

"People. Places. Doing things. Why does it matter?"

"Because you are smarter than that! You are supposed to be in school! God damnit. You are not a fucking tweaker, Emily! What the hell is wrong with you. I told you not to do this anymore." He shook his head and got up to get dressed.

I stood up and walked over to Matt. He pulled out another small bag from his pocket. This one was ragged looking. "Look, let's just get him high. He'll be fine," he said as he flicked the bag he was holding up. Michael walked in to see us looking at what he had left.

"Seriously? I told her she shouldn't be using anymore. She's not used to this like we are." He said to Matt. 

Michael had messaged me a few days after I first used. He was upset because he thought I took advantage of his lack of judgment when he was drunk. That wasn't the case though, I was just stubborn.

"She's a grown ass woman, she can do whatever she wants dude. You want to smoke some? Maybe calm the fuck down a bit?"

"God... fine. Let me get the room ready." Michael said as he threw his hands up in the air like a flag of surrender and walked back into the bedroom.

I was only 23. I didn't feel anywhere close to a grown woman, but it made me feel good to have someone stick up for my choices.

"Look," whispered Matt, "This isn't the good shit like you had, but it'll get him to ease up at least."

"I don't care what it is, if it gets you high, then I'm down."

He laughed, "Hell yeah, that's what's up."

We walked into the bedroom where it all began. Michael, Matt and I all took our place along the edge of the bed. Matt helped me while Michael helped himself. After his second hit, he lightened up. He started talking about the history of Germany or something. When he used it was like he was some kind of history or science teacher. It's all he talked about and he would go on for hours, regardless if anyone else was listening.

Once it was gone, we went back into the living room where Michael paced the floor. He walked back and forth and couldn't stop talking. Matt looked annoyed.

It was close to 1:00 now. I was doing all I could to keep an eye on the clock so I could get home in time. As Michael continued to pace the floor, Matt got up and started grabbing his things.

"Hey, I've got to go meet someone, I'll be back in a while."

"You need a ride? I asked.

"I'll just walk." He said as he rushed out of the apartment.

Once Matt left, Michael went to the bedroom and shut his door. I sat there on the couch in silence. The TV and A/C were off, so there was no sound but the passing of cars. I felt like going ahead and heading home, but I couldn't get up. It was as if my body was being weighed down.

My high started to change. The excitement left me and dread took over. I was overcome with a feeling of disgust and despair. Suddenly, I was freezing. I was so cold my teeth were chattering, but I knew it had to be over 80 degrees in his apartment, it was the middle of August.

There was a blanket at my feet. I wanted to grab it, but I couldn't get myself to move. I was trapped in my own body. All I had was the phone in my hands. I started scrolling through Facebook, but nothing was loading. I tried Instagram, but nothing came up on there either.

I went back and forth through the apps, over and over. I saw nothing but a white screen, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't do anything. I was starting to get so cold that I felt it in my bones. Everything was in pain. I forced my arm over enough to finally grab the edge of the blanket.

I pulled the blanket over me and laid my head onto the wooden arm of the couch. It wasn't comfortable, but I couldn't get my body to move anywhere else. I was getting so thirsty. I hadn't had anything to drink since last night with Ethan.

My throat was burning, my body was shivering, my head was throbbing. In my mind, I was screaming to get up and move, get water, go home, something! All I could do was continue to scroll through the apps that weren't loading.

As I laid there staring at the screen, I watched as my hands touch the screen and moved like jello. I knew that it wasn't really happening, but I saw my hands move through the phone like it was water. It was like a bad acid trip. I stared at the screen and watched it melt into my hand and reappear as quickly as it happened.

"I'm in hell. This has got to be hell." I thought to myself. I noticed the clock on my phone said 3:05. I had been stuck here for three hours.

Suddenly Matt appeared before me, smoking a cigarette.

"You okay?" He asked.

I was finally able to move. I sat up and threw the blanket aside. "When did you get here?" I asked.

"Just now. You look like shit, are you good?"

"No, I'm really not. I need to go home. I've been scrolling through my phone since you left. Nothing was on the screen, but I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop..."

"What the fuck?" He gave me a look as if I were lying to him. I didn't know what else to say. All I knew was that I was in pain, I was too high and I wanted to leave."Where's Michael?"

"Bedroom. He locked himself in there after you left. He didn't say anything."

"Dude is fucking weird. Okay, well I'll be here when you come back."

I got up and slowly grabbed my purse and phone. The only way I could explain how I feel is dead. I feel like I died and my soul kept living in a decaying body. I was able to make it to the door and down the stairs.

As I got into my car, I looked in the rear view mirror. The person looking back wasn't me. She was just a shadow of who I used to be. Tired and empty. 

I drove home in silence, every inch of my body aching along the way. I made it into the driveway and walked slowly up the stairs and into the house.

"How was your day?" asked my grandma.

"It was good, but I don't feel good. Can I go lay down please?"

"Of course, you know I got the boys. I'll tell them not to bother you."

"Thank you so much, I love you memaw."

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked into my room. It threw down my bag and took my shoes off. I grabbed the bottle of water and drank the whole thing in seconds. It felt incredible. My mouth was still dry and my body was still in pain, but I was thankful to at least have water.

I climbed in bed and laid down. Sleep was coming on fast, but before I finally passed out I couldn't help but wonder if what Matt had given us was laced with something.

My mind kept going, but my body finally gave in. Wrapped up in a blanket, in my own bed, with no drugs left and my phone shut off, I finally fell asleep. After a total of 48 hours of being awake, I was finally able to give up.

To be continued...

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N O T E S

Journal entry from a few days later:

"Within the past 4 days I've had 5 hours of sleep. Only ate a few times. I've been out of the house a lot. Taking money. I need to control myself.. Right now... I really miss sleep. I want to sleep so bad... But I'm terrified of losing my high :/ I had some withdrawal symptoms earlier and it wasn't good... I'm better on this that I ever will be without it...

That's when addiction starts."

I like to add the pictures of what I wrote. For me, it makes it more real. It's one thing to write about your story. It's another to see what you write while you were going through everything. I'm glad that, for the most part, I kept writing in my journal. Reading it, I remember how I felt. The dark place I was in when writing it. It's a reminder of how far I've come.

Here are some screenshots from my Facebook during that time. Here's a better way to explain what your brain is like on meth. Super hyper, excited and nothing makes sense. Feel free to laugh! I do when I look back on it. Michael and I would literally have full-blown conversations on nonsense like this for a good hour at a time.

Another to explain the power of no sleep, plus still being stoked about literally everything, because drugs.

My community college ID. I was so close, but so far away.