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"Don't you ever tame your demons... Always keep them on a leash."
-Arsonist lullaby, Hozier
🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE & RAPE 🔴
I was in my room gathering things I thought I would need for what I called my "tweaker first aid kit". I had a tiny hard wallet where I had two small empty baggies, an old credit card, a small Bic lighter, the little bit of dope I got from Ty, and a few cut straws. I threw it in my purse, wrapped up my pipe in an old bandana, and I slowly crept out of the house. Everyone was asleep, but I had learned every squeaky floorboard and avoided them at all costs to get out safely. I got to the car and quietly left the driveway.
I was heading into town to pick up Gio from Troy & Danielle's house. He had messaged me earlier in the day saying he wanted to introduce me to some people tonight. The "good" tweakers, as he called them. He had told me that there are good people in the game, you just got to find them.
I pulled into their driveway where I passed Troy burning nearly half of his yard. He was standing there in a dirty cut off shirt, the same pair of jeans from yesterday and his dirty work boots. I saw Danielle running down the hill towards him with a flashlight in each hand, and a bundle of orange extension cords. Surely there was some method to their madness because it wasn't making any sense to me.
As I got to the front of the house, Gio was waiting on the steps, petting the dogs. He looked up and smiled as he started walking towards the car. Meeting with him was so much different than meeting with Ty. Ty always had a plan and I had to follow. He was stern, strict, and had a zero-tolerance for bull shit. Gio was just really down to earth and incredibly kind. So far anyways.
"What's up?" he asked as he buckled in.
"Not much. What the hell are they doing down there?"
"They are cutting down trees and burning them so they can clear out the yard. They've got a lot done actually."
"Hm, okay... Doesn't it seem weird to set the yard ablaze in the middle of the night?"
"Nah," he said with a laugh. "You'll learn real quick that a lot of weird shit is pretty normal around here. Anyways, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine. His name is Oliver Cook, but we just call him Cook. He has, like, a tweaker safe house. Anytime you need anything or just a place to stay, he's the one to go to. He's real good people. I promise. I wouldn't introduce you to anyone who wasn't."
"I'll take your word for it. He doesn't sound any worse than Ty, so I'm sure he's fine."
"There's not many people worse than Ty. I mean there is. Danielle's brother actually, but we're not talking about him. He never comes around anyways."
"Oh, well okay. So, where am I going exactly? Is he in town?"
"Yeah, yeah, he's just right across town actually. Down Helena st, off of 16th."
"Gotcha."
"Play some music, just anything but rap!"
"Of course," I said with a laugh.
I grabbed my phone and opened it up to the Southern Gothic Spotify channel I had been engrossed in for the past few weeks. We listened to some dark bluegrass and electric banjos on the way to Cook's house. As we pulled in front of his house, which had a huge rock wall upfront, my favorite song had come on. I gasped and frowned as I heard the opening of Arsonist Lullaby play from the speakers.
"We can listen when we get back, we won't be too long."
I nodded and unplugged my phone. I walked with Gio up a steep, newly paved driveway. As I looked around at the beautifully landscaped yard and Cadillac in the driveway, I really questioned who this person was. Maybe it was just another Ethan, living in their parent's house.
As we made it up to the door, I noticed the little window up top was taped shut and there were several locks on the door. Gio knocked and waited. I saw someone look out of the curtain of the window next to us and heard what sounded like someone unlocking at least six different locks.
"Who is it?" said an older man who was hiding behind the door still.
"It's Gio. I got company, but she's good people. She needs help."
"Oh, Gio, come in!"
As another lock was undone, the door swung open and we both walked in. The house was set up like someone's grandmother lived there. All of the furniture and knick-knacks were old. The floral curtains hung sadly from the curtain rod, dingy looking from years of cigarette smoke. The carpet was worn, and wood paneling covered the entire house, but it felt cozy. It definitely didn't look anything like the outside did, but it was oddly comforting.
"So what's going on?" the older man said as he walked over to the couch. He was a short, balding man. He looked to be in his late 40's or so.
"Cook, this is Emily. Emily, meet cook."
I smiled and nodded as he did to me. Then his attention went back to Gio.
"Again, so what's going on?"
Gio adjusted his stance and leaned close to Cook.
"She's been hanging around some bad people," he said in a low voice. "I'm trying to introduce her to better people and get her away from it all. We... we also had a problem with Trevor."
He looked back at me with a questioning look. I nodded. I knew he was going to tell him what happened, but Gio treated him like a trustworthy person, so I trusted him as well.
"He tried to rape her. She had to stab him to get him to stop. She's been hanging out with Ty and apparently he came around at the same time."
"Mhm," grunted Cook. "Do either of them know you are here, or that she's with you?"
"No, no one knows but Troy and Danielle."
I nodded my head so that Cook could see that I was in agreement with him. Ty didn't know where I was as far as I knew.
"Man, how the fuck is he going to pull this shit?" Cook said as he furiously jumped up off the couch. He lit a cigarette and looked over at me with a concerned look on his face. "I'm sorry that happened to you. You want a cigarette or anything?"
"Sure, thank you so much."
I grabbed the cigarette with a shaky hand and borrowed Gio's lighter. I took the smoke into my lungs and closed my eyes for a second. Although I had willingly gotten myself into this lifestyle of crime and drugs, it was nice to have a safe space. Sure, home was a safe space, but I was always afraid someone would follow me there and hurt my family. Home was safe, but this felt safer.
"I'm going to be right back," said Gio as he walked across the living room, through some curtains that made the entryway into another room.
I sat across from Cook in an old recliner while he played some casino game on his phone. He got so into it that he let his cigarette ash out and never even glanced at it. I put my cigarette out in the ashtray and just looked around the room while I waited for Gio to reappear. There was an old western movie on TV, but the sound was turned off. I looked over towards a hallway to see an older woman laying in bed sleeping, and another woman coming out of what I was assuming the bathroom. I quickly looked down, trying to stay unnoticed.
"Hey!"
I looked up to see Gio peeking his head from the curtains, motioning for me to come over. I walked through the curtains, into a small, very cold kitchen. There were multiple shelves lined with spices and food in all of the open cabinets. It too looked outdated, but homey. There was a shirtless, slender man at the kitchen table sharpening a piece of wood with a knife. I looked over at him as he looked at me with a sad face.
"Em, this is Kyle, he's like a brother to me. I told him what happened."
"Trevor is like family to me," Kyle said as he stood up from the table. "I can't believe what he did. Are you sure he tried to rape you?"
I felt my face get red and tears well in my eyes. I took a deep breath while I told him exactly what happened. Gio looked down and Kyle's face turned white. I told them about how he grabbed me, forcing my head down, trying to pull me from the car, to eventually how it ended. I held back my tears, but it wasn't easy.
"I'm sorry," he said as he sat back down. "I will handle it."
"No. I want to handle it. I want to be the one who gets to him first. I mean, thank you, but this is something I need to face myself. I will find him on my own."
Gio and Kyle looked at each other. Gio shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the living room.
"If you ever need anything, let me know. Gio knows how to find me."
"Thank you, I appreciate that."
I stood there for a moment looking at the floor, unsure of what to do, then I heard Gio come back.
"Let's go to my place."
I followed him out of the door. Cook was still holding his cigarette butt, staring into his phone as we walked out the door.
"So, how does he afford all this? Electricity, a nice car, phone. I don't get it. He's a tweaker, right?"
"Yeah... something happened where he inherited this house and a bunch of money a few years ago. He refuses to spend any of it though. He will pay his bills, but that's it. He still goes out to steal copper to pay for his dope."
"Well, that's stupid," I said as I got back into the car.
"Yeah. You know where I live, right?"
"No, I've never been there."
"It's not too far from here, I'll show you. It's not actually my house, but I live there. My mom is trying to sell it, but she's letting me stay until then."
"Oh, nice!"
We drove to his house in near silence. I could tell he was thinking about something. I assumed it was what I had told Kyle about Trevor. He seemed a little unsettled. I almost felt bad since he was such a good friend of his, but there was no excuse for his actions.
We pulled up to an old white house where his broken-down red pick up truck was parked out front. We got out and walked up a few stairs onto this grand wrap-around porch. The house looks like it was built in the 1920s. It was tall with huge windows and an old door. He opened up the door as we walked into a completely dark room.
"I don't have any electricity here. I've got running water though. It's not much, but it's better than being on the street."
"No, it's beautiful. From the outside at least."
He flicked his lighter and found a candle to light. As I looked around the dimly lit room, I saw just a single wooden chair and a cardboard box. He lead me to his bedroom where he had a blow-up mattress, a dresser, and a closet full of clothes.
"You got any dope on you?" he asked as he sat down in the middle of the floor.
"Yeah, I got a gram from Ty. I haven't touched it yet."
I dug around in my purse until I found my kit with the little foil envelope he had given me a few days ago.
"He told you this was a gram?" he asked as he eyed it in the light.
"Yeah. I just assumed it was. He didn't have a scale or anything."
"He ripped you off. This isn't even half a gram. We will handle that later though."
I shrugged it off as I unwrapped my pipe from my bandana. I didn't care. I knew I got dope and that's all that mattered. I watched as he loaded the pipe in the candlelight. He brought the candle, which was sitting in a tin can, in between us and used that to light the bowl. We took a few hits off of it, sitting in dark silence.
"You want to play music on your phone?"
"Oh! Yes! My favorite song was on earlier. You mind if I play that?"
"Not at all."
I got my phone and opened up Spotify. I pressed play as the haunting hums of Hozier filled the room. Gio sat with his arms across his knees, staring into the distance while the song played. As I took a deep hit from the pipe, the chorus played ever so softly.
"All you have is your fire
and the place you need to reach.
Don't you ever tame your demons,
always keep them on a leash..."
The words of the song hit me differently this time. All I had, right here, right now, was my fire and the place I needed to reach, which was my high. I felt emotions fall over me like he was singing this song directly to me.
"Don't you ever tame your demons, always keep them on a leash," said Gio as he stared at the wall. He nodded his head. "That's really deep. Who sings this?"
"Hozier. He's my favorite artist."
"I like it. Do you know what it means?"
"I mean, not really?"
"It's got some hidden meaning behind it. Don't tame your demons."
I thought about it for a second, but I didn't quite get what he was saying. "Okay... yeah?"
"Yeah," he said as he kept staring at the wall.
"Do you want to hit this?"
"Nah, I'm good."
I hit the pipe until there was nothing left. We played music until the sun started to rise. Gio pulled out a Chinese checker game from his closet. We played in the dim sunlight while he beat me at every single game. We laughed and had a good time. I don't know how many hours had passed, but it had to be early in the morning now.
"I wish more people did this. Why can't we all just smoke and have fun? Play games and listen to music?" I asked.
"Because that's not what the dope game is about. It's not about fun. If you want fun, you're in the wrong lifestyle."
My heart sank a little, but I knew he was right. I looked over at my phone, dangling on to the 3% of battery it had left. It was after 7:00 in the morning.
"Shit! I need to call my grandma and let her know I'm okay."
"Your grandma?"
"Yeah, she watches my kids."
"You have kids?!"
"Yeah, I have two boys..."
He looked genuinely shocked, but I ignored it while I grabbed my phone and called my grandma.
"Hello?"
"Memaw! I'm sorry, I fell asleep at Michael's last night. I'll be home in a little while."
"Please let me know next time you leave. I was worried about you!"
"I'm really sorry, memaw. I'm safe. I promise. My phone is about to die though, I'll be home in an hour or so."
"Okay, I love you. Please be safe."
"I will, I promise. Love you too."
As I hung up, my phone shut down. Gio looked a little concerned but didn't say anything else about it.
"So, I'm going to take a shower. I'm assuming you got to go, but can you come back tonight? I'm going to make it right with Ty. He fucked you over on dope and that's not going to fly with me."
"Yeah, I can come back, no problem. It's not that big of a deal though, really."
"Yeah, it is. We can talk about it later though."
"Okay. I'm going to head home though. Take a nap or something. Will I be able to get ahold of you?"
"Just come by, I'll be here."
"Okay. I'll see you later. Thanks for everything. I really appreciate it."
"Anytime."
I walked into the living room and looked around for a second. This really was a beautiful house. I wished that one day I would have my own house like this. I walked out to my car with a heavy heart, knowing that it would probably never happen for me. Not unless I got out of this lifestyle.
On the way home I played Arsonist Lullaby on repeat. I couldn't get it out of my head, or figure out what Gio meant about it. Either way, if it meant something to him, it meant something to me.
Hozier - Arsonist Lullabye (Audio)
So that ends chapter 25. This song is still one of my favorites and every time I hear it, I'm brought back to that room, lighting a pipe on a candle in an empty house. It still gives me goosebumps.
Gio was recently in jail for failure to appear or something along those lines. I wrote to him in jail and on the letter he sent back to me, at the very end, he wrote "Remember, don't you ever tame your demons. Always keep them on a leash". It's our song, but not in a romantic way or anything. More of like a way that we shared our struggles.
The good news is that Gio has recently been released from jail and is in Rehab, just a little over 7 months clean. I'm really proud of him! He's got a good job, he's buying a new truck, and he's making it outside of the dope game. I'll just keep praying he doesn't get sucked back into it.
Also, midway through writing this I had an anxiety attack. I realized that Ty is out too, and has been for a while. Then I thought about how he could see this... then I thought about Gio, Troy, and Danielle seeing this. Then I got scared about what they might do, but then again all of the names are changed, down to the streets and cars. I think it'll be fine, sometimes I just worry... This isn't just a story. This shit is real life. Everything I write is what I went through and that involves some really shitty things sometimes.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! You can still support my work at the link below! It would mean a lot to me and my family, but of course, isn't necessary.
Thanks for all of your support.