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🔴 TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE 🔴
A day went by with no messages or calls from anyone. No one asking favors, or for rides anywhere. Maybe Gio got the word out that I was done with being everyone's welcome mat; just someone to be stepped on and used. It took a lot to not reach out to anyone myself. I had no dope, but I had money and I wanted more. I craved more. Even while playing with my kids and enjoying the moment, the thought always lingered in the back of my mind.
As hard as it was, I kept replaying the scenes from the other night in my head over and over, just to remind myself that I didn't want to go back to that. No matter how hard I tried, part of me still wanted to go back. Maybe not with Brittany or Gio. Ty or even Matt would do for now. I just needed to get high. I needed the thrill of doing things I knew I shouldn't be doing. Those two combined were a deadly, but exhilarating combination.
As I sat in my room playing music videos on the computer, I looked outside at the moon shining brightly through my window. I should be out doing something right now. This is my time, but I'm here not doing anything. I was scared to seem desperate if I text anyone. I was desperate though. I was losing my mind just sitting here.
Hours passed and it was already 1:00 in the morning. I felt my mind catching up with my body as my eyes were getting heavy. Reluctantly, I closed the laptop and laid down in bed. I checked my phone one last time to see if anyone wanted anything to do with me.
"1 unread message" popped up at the top of the screen. I quickly opened it to see that it was a text from Danielle.
"Can you take us to the food pantry tomorrow morning? We are really needing some food but don't have a ride."
They always have dope! I could help them, then maybe they would repay me in drugs.
"Absolutely, what time should I be there?" I replied.
"7:00 if you can."
"I'll be there."
I sent the text and sat my phone on the nightstand. I was nervous to go to their house by myself, but it couldn't be any worse than going with Ty or Gio. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with a smile, knowing I was just hours away from getting what I wanted.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
I rolled over to shut off my alarm. It was only 5:30 in the morning and I was still tired. My body hurt all over, but I managed to sit up in bed and slowly wake myself up. I grabbed my clothes and my wig and hobbled down the hall into the bathroom to get ready.
As I was putting my makeup on, there was a soft knock at the door.
"Em? Is that you?" I heard my grandma say.
"Yeah, it's me. I just woke up." I opened the door to see her standing in her pajamas with a worried look on her face.
"Oh, I'm glad to see you here. You weren't out last night were you?"
"No, I was in bed asleep. But, uh, I was going to go get some food. I'm taking some friends to the food pantry at 7:00. They are good people though, I promise. I'll be there and back."
"That's fine. Are you sure they are good people? Who are they? How do you know them?"
"Yeah, yeah. It's a husband and wife. They are an older couple. Friends of a friend. They just don't have a car that runs right now."
"Okay. We do need some food. Just come right back, okay?"
"I will. I promise!"
"Alright. I'll leave you alone to get ready then. I love you. Please be safe."
"I love you too, Memaw. I'll be safe. I promise."
She leaned in to give me a hug, then walked back into the living room. I finished getting dressed and headed into the kitchen to try and find something to eat. I was starving, but the thought of eating made my stomach turn. Instead, I went back to my room since the boys weren't up yet.
As I sat on my bed, I got a text from Danielle asking if I was awake yet. I told her I was up, then for a minute wondered why she was up so early but realized she probably never went to sleep. It wasn't even quite 6:00 yet and although I was used to being up at this time any other given day, it still felt too early. My phone beeped again with another text.
"You can go ahead and come over if you want and just hang out for a bit."
I stared at the message for a moment. Troy and Danielle were still mysterious people to me. They were some drug lords and pretty powerful people and I was a nobody. I mean, I was just a few months ago. Now I was going to hang out with drug dealers who had connections all over the place. It made me uneasy, but it was kind of nice to be invited over.
"That would be great," I replied. "I'll be there shortly."
I grabbed my things and headed out of the room.
"Hey Memaw, I'm going to head over that way so we can be the first ones there. Hopefully it won't take too long. I'll call you on my way home."
"Okay, well please be careful and call me as soon as you're headed back. I love you. Please be safe."
"I love you too. I promise I'll be safe. I'm with good people."
She nodded and I walked out of the door and towards the car. Were they good people? No, not really. I mean, they were drug dealers and thieves. What's good about that? I shrugged my shoulders and got in the car. As I backed up, I looked back at the house to see Aiden looking out of his bedroom window waving at me. I rolled down my window and waved back. I stopped for a minute, contemplating just staying home. I didn't want to let Danielle down though. They needed food. I would be right back anyways. I blew him a kiss and started driving towards their house.
I pulled in the driveway and parked in front of their house. It seemed like every time I came by there was something new. An old TV, another car, or mopeds. All of which had to have been stolen and dropped off by someone somewhere.
I got out and headed to the door. I stopped at the top of the stairs and knocked on the door. I looked up at the camera pointed right on me and waved. I waited a minute, then Danielle opened the door.
"Good morning! I saw you drive up on the camera. Did you knock?"
"Yeah, but not very loud."
"Don't worry about that, next time just come on in."
"Oh, uh, are you sure? Just come into your house?"
"Yeah of course! We're usually watching the cameras anyways so we would know it was you. If not, I know you wouldn't cause any harm. If you ever come in and don't see us, just knock on the bedroom door!"
"Okay, sure. Thanks."
It was strange to be so openly invited here when they still barely knew me, but I appreciated it. I carefully stepped around the piles of clothes, some chainsaws and a half taken apart leaf blower and followed her back to her bedroom.
I stood in the doorway as she walked in. I was never one to just make myself at home anywhere. I always had strict manners when in someone else's house, so I just stood with my hands behind my back, just barely looking in to see what was going on. Danielle turned around to see me awkwardly standing in her doorway.
"You can come in! Troy is in the shower, but you can sit on the bed if you'd like!"
"Sure, thank you."
I walked in and sat on their king-size bed, which had all of the dogs piled in the middle, sleeping soundly. I looked around at more piles of clothes, so much that you couldn't see the floor. Dressers full of tools, glass tubes, beakers, syringes, cigarette butts, and God knows what else. I felt awkward sitting there, but I tried to not make it seem that way.
I looked up to see Troy walking out of their bathroom. Thankfully he was already dressed but was drying off his hair when he stopped to look at me. He paused for a second and looked like he was thinking, then continued on his way without saying anything.
"You wanna smoke before we go?" Danielle asked. She turned around with an old pipe and a lighter in her hand.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course!" she walked over and handed it to me.
"Do you want me to go into the living room or somewhere else?"
"No, of course not, you're fine where you are."
I looked down at the pipe. There was a shard sitting in the bottom unmelted. I looked over at Troy, then back at the pipe. I lifted it up and lit it, watching it melt and glide across the bottom as I slowly turned it side to side. I took a small hit, still worried Troy would say something. I had the feeling he didn't want me there. I quietly took a few hits and started to feel more awake and a lot better.
"Thanks for taking us," said Troy as he came and sat down beside me to put his boots on.
"Of course, anytime."
"Danni got that set up for you last night and set it aside. She wouldn't let anyone else touch it."
I glanced back but didn't see her anywhere.
"Oh, that was really nice. Thanks."
"She likes you. She don't like many people. Well, woman."
"Oh..."
I wasn't sure what else to say. Why was I an exception? I took another hit while he got up to finish getting dressed. Danielle walked back in all dressed up.
"You ready?" asked Troy.
"Yeah, whenever ya'll are."
"Cool. So we need to pick up someone first. She knows where we're going."
"Okay, sure."
"I'll drive. She won't get in unless I'm driving because she doesn't know you."
"Oh... okay. As long as I can go home in a few hours. I got to get back to the kids."
"Yeah sure. I'm not going to go for a joy ride or anything. She's an older lady, she's really nice, just doesn't like to meet new people. But if you're with us she'll know you're okay."
"Sure, whatever works."
"Alright. Let me see your keys then."
I handed over my keys and followed him outside. I looked back to see Danielle standing on the stairs looking like she just saw a ghost.
"You can sit upfront with me until we get there. Danni, come on. It's fine. She's got tinted windows, no one is going to see you."
"I can't go back. I'm scared," she said panicking.
"You were fine just a minute ago, just get in the damn car."
She got in the car and climbed to the back and laid down. I looked over at Troy.
"Oh, she's absconded. If the police find her she's going back to jail."
"Oh! Oh no. Does she have to come with us?"
"If she wants to get high when we come home she does."
I looked back at her. She had covered herself with a blanket I had thrown in the back a few days ago. I was scared for her. I was scared for all of us. Would I go to jail too? Did they have any drugs on them? I shook my head and tried to not think about it.
On the way across town, Danielle stayed curled up under the blanket and Troy drove in silence. I watched from the window as the scenery changed from nice houses and department stores to trailers and run-down buildings. He pulled down a side road and into the driveway of this small, brown mobile home.
"Alright Danni, you're good. Emily, you can get out too if you want."
"Sure, it's kind of cold anyways."
We got out and walked up onto this small porch. It didn't seem any different than any other house, except for the cats. There were six on the porch and several more in the small yard. Troy opened the door, and two more cats ran outside. I followed him into this cozy little house. It looked like someone's grandma's house. Pictures of her family on the walls, old floral furniture, and... bags and bags of meth. Huge bags. Like, gallon-size bags.
I had to do a double-take. Everything seemed normal, but there was a desk with several scales, pipes, a jar of syringes, tourniquets, some kind of bong and there in the middle of it all was an old elderly woman in a yellow dress with an apron. She had a cat in her lap, and four more surrounding her.
Danni sat down on the couch and I sat next to her, not really knowing what to do or how to take it all in. It was a lot. I looked around and all I kept seeing were cats. There had to be over twenty adult cats in the living room alone. All I could think was "What in the hell did I walk in to?"
Troy sat down and spoke with the woman while I happily petted all the cats that came towards me. I loved cats, and as weird as this whole situation was, I was really happy about it!
"Emily!"
I looked up to see Troy motioning me his way. I got up and walked over to his side.
"This is Miss Kim. She's a good friend of ours. I wanted to introduce you to her."
"Nice to meet you," I said with a smile.
"Nice to meet you too, sweetie. Any friend of Troy's is a friend of mine. Sorry about the cats. I have over forty of them."
"I love cats! It's no problem at all."
"Oh, well good. I know some visitors don't really care for them, but they keep me company. Well, let me go get my slippers on and we can go to the church."
She got up slowly and got her slippers on. It was really bizarre because she looked like she should be baking pies and tending to a garden, but here she was with over forty cats and ten pounds of meth.
Danielle got up and walked over to me and tapped my shoulder.
"She has stage four cancer and can't afford treatment, so she deals drugs to pay for it," she whispered.
I looked at her all crazy. "What?!" I mouthed.
She nodded her head.
"That's some Breaking Bad shit. Seriously?!" I whispered back.
She nodded her head again and pointed at a shelf above her desk. There were prescription bottles and medical equipment galore. She wasn't lying. My heart broke. This woman, who clearly had to be in her seventies at least, resorted to slinging dope just to make it by. "What the fuck is wrong with this world", I thought to myself.
After a few minutes, we all made it out to the car. I sat in the back with Danielle and Miss Kim sat upfront with Troy. We drove just a few blocks down the road to a little church. As we pulled in, we noticed there were no other cars around. I looked over and saw a sign that read "No food pantry today due to inclement weather."
It was about to rain, but other than that, what did they expect? Snow?
"Damnit!" Said Troy.
"Oh, it'll be okay. We can try the one that's open in a few days."
"Why would they not do it today?" I asked.
"They do it outside. They have bags ready to go, sitting on a table usually. I guess they didn't want the food to get rained on," Miss Kim said. "That's okay, let's go back and I will take care of ya'll."
We drove back to her house and I sat back on her couch, trying my best to pet all the cats that came up to me. I looked up to see her taking a hit from a pipe, then weighing some dope on a scale. I just couldn't get over what I was seeing.
She handed Troy a good-sized bag full of crystals and he put it safely in his coat pocket.
"We will be back in a few days with your money."
"Okay, I know you have always kept your end of the front, I trust you. Emily, it was nice to meet you!"
"Yes ma'am, it was nice to meet you as well. You have a good day!"
I waved to her and told the cats goodbye as we headed out yet again. Danielle was in the back seat again having a panic attack because now not only was she in the car and out in public, but we had drugs. Troy seemed to be a great driver, so I didn't have a worry in my mind about being pulled over.
Thankfully, we made it back to their house without ever seeing any cops. They both got out and I walked around to get my keys from Troy so I could head back home.
"You don't want to come in?" Troy asked as he handed over the keys.
"I... I mean, I guess I can. I figured you'd want me to leave."
"No, no! come in. We got dope now, we're going to have a good time."
"I won't say no to a good time."
"That's what I like to hear!"
Danielle ran inside and I followed behind. I sat back down on their bed while she hurriedly grabbed syringes and a shot glass. I felt uneasy at the sight of it, but I watched her carefully. I was curious. I watched her fill up the glass with warm water and set it on the dresser. Troy grabbed a few shards and dropped some in each syringe. He slowly filled them with water and shook them until it was all dissolved.
"Watch this," he said.
I got up as Danielle laid down on the bed and Troy stood over her. She moved her hair back to expose her neck. I wanted to look away, but instead, I watched as Troy took the syringe and stuck it into the vein in her neck. I watched as blood filled the syringe, then he pushed it all down and jumped back.
For a second she laid there still, then she started coughing really hard. She arched her back and rolled from side to side. I thought she was having a seizure. I looked over at Troy who had a huge grin on his face. Danielle started waving her hands at the lights and Troy turned them all off.
"Your eyes get really sensitive to light when you bump it."
"Oh... I didn't know."
He laughed as he watched her. "Oh, she's going to be having a great time here in a minute."
He then sat down and took a syringe to his arm. He did it swiftly and seemingly in just a matter of seconds. He leaned back against the bed and coughed a few times.
"Shit. That's good. I haven't had shit like that in months. I didn't forget about you. Give me a minute."
I stood there leaning against the wall, watching Danielle calm down. She eventually got up and almost fell over. She started laughing and smiling. I was happy to see her doing so well because that really freaked me out. She walked over towards me and gave me a hug. I looked at her and noticed you couldn't even see the blue in her eyes anymore. Her pupils were enormous.
She went on into her walk-in closet and started putting on all kinds of clothes. It was kind of strange, but then again this whole morning was strange.
"Here, this is yours."
I looked over at Troy who held his hand out with a baggie full of shards.
"What do I owe you?"
"Nothing, just take it!"
"Thank you!"
I took the bag and put it in my pocket. Danielle was still flinging clothes around her closet while Troy walked into the kitchen to work on his half taken apart leaf blower.
"I've got to head back home, but I'll be back later. Is that cool?"
"Yeah, of course. I'll see you later."
I walked out and back to the car. I was thinking about smoking before I went home, but I decided against it. I was already high anyways. I called my grandma and drove back home, this time making it back around 10:00 in the morning instead of being gone all day. No matter what, I was going to stay home and spend the day with my kids. Once they went to bed, I'd head back to their house to smoke what I have.
As I got into the driveway, I grabbed my phone and saw a text from Michael. I haven't heard from him in a while, so it seemed strange to see it. I ignored it and went inside. Surely it wasn't anything important.
To be continued...
I had to cut this chapter a little short because my little man has been up all night with a cold, but it'll pick up again next week!
Yes, the cat lady was real. I always called her the cat lady. She was an old lady, just as I described her. I forgot what type of cancer she had, but she was a real-life breaking bad story. It's terrible to think that for some people, it comes down to that just to live and afford medical care.
Also, Danielle was absconded for fraudulent checks if I remember right. Something along those lines, She went AWOL on her parole. She rarely went anywhere or even walked close to the street. She was terrified of going back to jail. Honestly, I don't blame her.
Anyways, I found a picture I took when I was getting ready that morning. What's crazy is that you can't tell I was a tweaker. You can't tell that I had been up for days prior on just a few hours of sleep. You can't tell all the shit I went through and wouldn't have even guessed that I was capable of such things. I hid it pretty well for a while...
