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🔴TRIGGER WARNING - DRUG USE🔴
AUGUST 7TH, 2014
"Hey Toast, I want you to meet my friend," Michael said as he opened the door. I was tired and wasn't ready to meet anyone, but I reluctantly got off of the bed and walked over to the door. A young man stood there in a blue polo shirt and dirty jeans. He looked like a rejected singer for New Found Glory. His arms were colorfully tattooed with the logos of bands from my early teen years. He brushed his dark hair to the side and introduced himself.
"Hey, what's up, I'm Matt."
He walked in and brushed right past me, not showing much interest in my presence. He went to Michael and they started talking amongst themselves. Matt made himself at home on the couch while Michael grabbed both of them a beer. I sat back down on the edge of the bed and kept my distance.
"So Toast, Matt just got out of jail! I haven't seen him in over a year!" Michael said drunkenly. "He was locked up for some kind of fraud or something. Man, I'm so glad he's back! He's, like, my best friend!"
I was surprised that Michael had never mentioned Matt before since he was his "best friend" and all. I thought that maybe it was because of his jail time, but he didn't seem too concerned about it now.Â
The fact that I was in the same room as a felon and a drunk man who didn't care about it should have been a red flag. Honestly, there were so many red flags from Michael, I could make a whole wardrobe from them, but I trusted his judgment. No big deal, right? People make mistakes all the time. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on.
They talked about what they've been up to, what's changed, and how Matt ended up at Michael's place. I wasn't paying them any mind until Matt got up and reached into his pocket.
"Man, I got some shit, you down?" he asked Michael, then he froze for a second and looked at me like a deer in headlights. He looked at Michael. "What about her?" he asked.
"She's cool, man. She won't say anything."
"Alright, if you say so."
I watched Matt from the edge of the bed as he pulled out what looked like a big wad of tissue paper. He carefully unwrapped from it a glass tube. It was a pipe, but not one I've ever seen before. I had no idea what it was, but I knew it was some kind of drug.
Weeks prior, I had smoked DMT for the first time with another friend. It was the first time I had ever done anything besides smoke some weed. It was an incredible experience, unlike anything else in the world. Something indescribable, but amazing. It opened me up to other drugs and experiences.
I didn't know what he had, but I knew I wanted some too. I hated missing out on things, regardless of what it was. If it was something I could be a part of, I wanted in.
"You smoke?" Matt asked. Before I could answer, Michael stood up in an instant and started shouting.
" Uh, no man, She is NOT going to smoke this!"
"Look, I'm going to end up doing it somewhere else eventually!" I said. "Might as well do it here!" I was lying. It was my way in to get what I want, and when I wanted something, I was good at getting it. All I knew was that I didn't want to be left out of whatever they were doing.
Matt had a concerned look on his face as I continued to argue with Michael.Â
"What's it going to hurt? I mean, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. Would you rather me do this with you or some weirdo I don't even know? Cause it's going to happen one way or another."
Michael looked at Matt. Matt shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, she has a point, man."
They whispered amongst themselves for a minute. I sat there wondering what he actually had and telling myself that maybe I shouldn't do this. Should I ask what it was? If I did, they'd know that I was lying. I looked up at them. Michael looked defeated.
Matt walked towards me. "Alright, come with us."
I followed them into Michael's bedroom. It was barren except for a single bed and a large chest. I sat next to Matt as he held the small glass pipe in one hand and an orange lighter in the other.
"Okay, you've got to pay attention and do exactly as I say. I'm going to get it ready and while I do that, I want you to breathe out as slowly as you can and don't stop until I say."
I took a deep breath in, nervous and a little scared, and started to breathe out. He lifted the pipe to my face and held a lighter underneath it. He slowly rocked it back and forth. The once solid substance now turned into a clear liquid, rolling inside the end of the glass tube.
"Okay, when I say go, put your lips on it like a cigarette and I want you to breathe in as slowly as you can, then hold it in until I say."
He looked at me with disdain in his eyes. "Go."
He put the pipe to my lips and I took a slow breath in while Michael watched. I saw the white smoke drift up the pipe.
"Slower," he said, still holding and rocking the pipe. He took the lighter down. I kept breathing in until I felt like my lungs couldn't hold anymore. He finally told me to stop and hold it in. My lungs felt like they were going to catch fire. Matt looked at me, almost with admiration, then surprise.
"Okay, let it out." I finally let go of my breath. I was surprised to see that I didn't blow any smoke back out. Was that normal? I didn't feel any different either, or so I thought. I looked over at Matt and Michael. Michael looked disappointed but excited.
"Holy shit," said Matt. "Yo, look at her eyes, she's rolling on dubs, dude!"
"Sick" Said Michael laughing. I wasn't sure what "rolling on dubs" meant but apparently it was funny. I looked at them with a raised eyebrow and a look of confusion.
"Go look in the mirror dude," Matt said. I got up and walked into the bathroom, still not feeling anything. I turned the light on and looked in the mirror. My eyes were huge. They were so dilated I could barely see the color in them anymore. I thought it was really cool actually, and stood there for a minute in disbelief. Was this what it did? Just make your eyes big? Still confused, I walked back to the room.
Michael and Matt were passing the pipe between themselves. I saw that their eyes now looked just like mine.
"How do you feel?" Matt asked me.
"I don't feel any different to be honest."
They both laughed. "Man, you're high as fuck!" Matt said. Michael started laughing and agreed. "Here, I'll help you get another hit. You'll feel it, I promise."
I watched him as he held the glass to my lips. His blue eyes were barely noticeable now. The smoke filled my lungs once again and I exhaled.
I realized I was no longer tired. Actually, I felt energetic. I felt happy. It felt like Ritalin, but stronger. A sense of pure euphoria took over. I watched as Matt and Michael shared what was left.
We walked back into the living room where Michael started talking about how the universe was created, of all things. He was talking so fast and couldn't stop moving. He spoke about theories and aliens. It seemed like he knew what he was talking about, but nothing really made sense. Matt was agreeing and sharing his own theories. Their conversation seemed to last for hours.
I was back on the bed and had my laptop. I went to play music, but quickly became distracted at all the songs I had. I couldn't pick one no matter how hard I tried.
Pop? No. Rock? No. Heavy Metal? No.
I was scrolling and clicking but was unable to focus enough to choose anything. I felt frustrated, but still in such a euphoric state that I didn't care.
"You good?" Matt asked after he finally got away from Michael, who was now making coffee.
"I've never felt better!"
"Hell yeah, that was just bunk shit too. Wait until I get the good shit."
I didn't know the difference and I didn't care. I still didn't even know what it was that I did. It didn't matter though. I was having the time of my life in this tiny downtown apartment. Nothing else mattered but what was happening right now.
Matt had a tiny bag in his pocket. It was full of small white crystals. He cleared a spot on Michael's table and started crushing it up with a card. I watched him as he made it into a fine powder and separated it into three long lines. He grabbed a short straw from his pocket and bent over the table, holding the straw to his nose. He quietly counted "1, 2, 3" and in an instant, the line was gone. He thew his head back and smiled at me. "You want to try?"
"Fuck yeah, dude!" I mean, why not? I had never snorted anything before, but I figured I had gone this far, might as well go all the way.
"Okay, so figure out what side of your nose you want to use. Make sure you blow it really good or you're going to have a bad time. Then breathe out all the way or you'll blow it everywhere. Then you just got to breathe in through your nose really fast and move along the line. Got it?"
"Yeah, sounds good." I prepared myself and grabbed a short red straw Michael got ready for me. I thought to myself "1, 2, 3" then as fast as I could, I snorted the line off of the table. My nose burnt and I tasted chemicals dripping down my throat, but I cleared the whole line.
"Damn! That was amazing. I have never seen anyone do a line that good before!" Matt said.
I thought it was a strange compliment, but it made me feel like a badass. I started to feel an incredible surge of energy and happiness like nothing I've experienced before. My throat burned, but I didn't care. I felt amazing.
We played music and joked around until the sun started to rise. I looked out of the window and a feeling of pure disgust took over. My stomach started to turn just looking at it. How was I able to stay up this long? There was no way it was morning yet. How was I not tired? I was confused but scared to ask either of them questions. I couldn't let them know that I didn't know.
I sat down next to Michael. "You need to eat," he said. He got up and ran into the kitchen and returned with a banana. He was always trying to feed people.
Just like the rising sun, the thought of food made me sick. I couldn't even look at it. I started to feel unwell and my body felt weak. My mind was wide awake, but I felt myself trying to shut down.
It was 9:00 in the morning when I finally decided to go home. The drive was pretty far. It gave me a chance to reflect on the night. What have I done? What if I get addicted? No, I have kids at home. What would I do though? The questions plagued my mind and I felt more and more horrible.
As I was pulling into the driveway, I saw two little faces peeking through the window at me. Aiden and Gavin were excited to see their mom come home. The ill feelings I had washed away and I rushed into the house to my kids and gave them a big hug.
"This was just a one time instance," I told myself. "Nothing as small as that will keep me from my kids."
I went to my bedroom and I tried to sleep, but it didn't come easy. I was restless and awake, but I just wanted to relax. Eventually, I gave up and picked up my phone.
There was a message from Matt.
"You have any money? I know where the good shit is."
I did have the money. I just cleaned Michael's house the day before and had another $60.00 left. I stared at my phone for a moment. I still didn't even know what this was. What was I getting myself into?
I replied, "Yeah, when do you need it?"
To be continued...
From August 2014
Below are some pictures I had posted to Facebook shortly after the first time I used.
High and staying up late, stuck working on my laptop. A screenshot from my old Facebook.
A post about the "tweaker coffee" Michael used to make. His comment is blurred out. More about that in the next story.
From my journal
I used to Journal constantly from 2008 to 2014. I write about my first time using and wrote often while I used. Below you will see what I wrote the morning after I met Matt.
"I don't know what I did last night, but I did it like a fucking champ. I was so high It felt like 2 days. I can't eat anything though, it's weird. I can't stop thinking about [Matt] and how he helped me do all of this crazy shit. I want to relive that night forever. and my eyes were HUGE. I'm not addicted though. I don't want no more, maybe. But that night...omg. I know that's so bad to say about drugs, but..ugh.. It was just the whole experience. It was great. Idk. I just want to get high again..."